I really like the first couple lines. I think they could probably be read in more than one way, and the tangible imagery drew me in.
I'm not a huge fan of rhyme, for the reason that a lot of times, phrasing is awkward and syllables are overflowing in order to make the rhyme fit, and I did notice that quite a bit here: "All those epople that I 'loved,'/Were just the characters into the story I shoved." is an example of this; the phrasing gets a little awkward and the rhythm doesn't flow, all in effort to make the words rhyme. It's a hard thing to do.
But the imagery is really good. Throughout the piece there are lines like the first that have fantastic subtext, and that's hard to do for most people. The lines that really stood out to me were, "The house changed every time," "I would ad myself in and take myself out," and "My words were the blood, my pen was the knife." They had interesting imagery and concepts, and especially the second and third of the lines I just quoted had perfect rhythm that flowed really well.
I'm not a huge fan of rhyme, for the reason that a lot of times, phrasing is awkward and syllables are overflowing in order to make the rhyme fit, and I did notice that quite a bit here: "All those epople that I 'loved,'/Were just the characters into the story I shoved." is an example of this; the phrasing gets a little awkward and the rhythm doesn't flow, all in effort to make the words rhyme. It's a hard thing to do.
But the imagery is really good. Throughout the piece there are lines like the first that have fantastic subtext, and that's hard to do for most people. The lines that really stood out to me were, "The house changed every time," "I would ad myself in and take myself out," and "My words were the blood, my pen was the knife." They had interesting imagery and concepts, and especially the second and third of the lines I just quoted had perfect rhythm that flowed really well.