You need to stick to the structure. First you had a good pattern going on, where you would write three lines, then two lines, then three lines. But in the end, you just lost it all. You should also match up your syllables. You did that very well in the first two little paragraph things. But after that, you just lost it. Let me show you.
"One more fix (3 syllables)
One more hit (3 syllables)
It’s just another way to quit (eight)
Take away my pain (5)
There’s really nothing to gain" (6)
Right there, you could have said theres nothing to gain, so that both lines would have five syllables, like you did here:
"Wipe away my tears
Take away these fears"
but the paragraph before that did not fit the 3, 3, 8 pattern.
All of this would make everything much more beautiful, and it would all flow much better. I mean, you don't have to. Whatever you do to get your message across. But if you're going to create a structure, stick to it. You'd be more likely to get an A this way.
Other than that, it was a great concept. I loved the context. Sorry, this was an unusually in-depth and long review!! tehe. bye!
"One more fix (3 syllables)
One more hit (3 syllables)
It’s just another way to quit (eight)
Take away my pain (5)
There’s really nothing to gain" (6)
Right there, you could have said theres nothing to gain, so that both lines would have five syllables, like you did here:
"Wipe away my tears
Take away these fears"
but the paragraph before that did not fit the 3, 3, 8 pattern.
All of this would make everything much more beautiful, and it would all flow much better. I mean, you don't have to. Whatever you do to get your message across. But if you're going to create a structure, stick to it. You'd be more likely to get an A this way.
Other than that, it was a great concept. I loved the context. Sorry, this was an unusually in-depth and long review!! tehe. bye!