I decided to check out other comment-swappers on HelenaxFantasy's journal, and I'm glad I did.
There were points in this where it didn't quite flow as well as others; where extra syllables in the line threw off the flow of the rhyme scheme. But the imagery was done absolutely perfectly. Morbid, but not needlessly so; it had a message, and that made it worth something, and the morbidness was definitely an attention-getter. I may have interpreted it differently than what you had in mind, but I saw this as essentially more the price of vanity than of beauty.
There were points in this where it didn't quite flow as well as others; where extra syllables in the line threw off the flow of the rhyme scheme. But the imagery was done absolutely perfectly. Morbid, but not needlessly so; it had a message, and that made it worth something, and the morbidness was definitely an attention-getter. I may have interpreted it differently than what you had in mind, but I saw this as essentially more the price of vanity than of beauty.