You have some interesting ideas going on here. I love music which is why I clicked on it, but I don't really feel what you were trying to portray. You have great imagery but your rhyming needs some nurturing. Don't take this as a negative comment. Like I said you have great descriptions and imagery, which is something that is usually incredibly hard for people to come up with.
Don't take this as a negative comment. Like I said you have great descriptions and imagery, which is something that is usually incredibly hard for people to come up with.