April 15th, 2013 at 03:45am
Dear tmolls,
Thank you for writing and posting your work. I would advise you to go back into your poem and correct a couple of mistakes I see. Also when you switch from "I" to "you" it is a bit confusing.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you want the poem to sound more like a conversation, right? If that is the case, you might want to break up the first two lines to show that you are talking to someone, and have it sort of play out like a conversation. I think that would reach the level of depth you wish to impart in this poem.
Please keep writing. :)
-Rosi
God Bless!
**Olivia**