i'm addicted!
September 29th, 2009 at 05:14am
So, I'm totally reviewing as I read, so be prepared for massive emotional -cheese- smilies. :XD
He couldn't locate them, because they were constantly moving.
Just to start off...the tone of this first line. It adds a certain flow to the rest of the chapter, and a sort of eerie feeling. It speeds things up, while slowing them down. Very powerful beginning.
They were taking forever in the room with her. He was tapping his leg incessantly, something he did when he was nervous.
Oooh. :weird
Character development. I love it. It lets me relate more closely to the character, and lets me into the state of mind he's in. Panic, and stress, and just...jitters. :tehe:
"She's okay, right?" he said, standing and figuring the smile was a good thing. But it quickly faded from the doctor's face as he put his hand on Eric's shoulder and looked him in the eye.
I love how you begin the dialogue with a transition sentence, and a very powerful one at that. It shows a simple assumption, followed by the complete opposite. It's sort of a paradox, now that I over-analyze it. Don't hate. :hand:
"She's not okay, young man. We tried to revive her, but our efforts were futile. She's passed on. But it's okay, because now, she's in a better place," he said, smiling and nodding.
ARGNO. :grr:
Stupid doctor. Getting my hopes up. I think it's very odd that you had the doctor be so calm and collective, as well as smiling. I adore how you subtly contrast the feelings of both Eric and the doctor without necessarily meaning to. It's brilliant.
As of now, the doctor was just a blurred vision to Eric, as were his surroundings. After he heard the words 'passed on', he could no longer see clearly. He started walking away from the man in the white coat, towards the door.
Ahh. Actual emotion. I love the way you emphasized his dazed state, and the use of the "man in the white coat." You sort of hint towards insanity in a very subtle way.
The doctor watched him leave then turned to a nurse.
"I suppose he just needs some time to cool off," he said.
Can I hit him? Arrogant asshole. :hand:
Eric blinked his eyes to stop the tears from flowing down his face.
I'd reword that. To me, and this might be entirely personal, but the "blinked his eyes to stop..." sounds awkward and a bit forced. :think:
The saltwater stung his scars from falling in the forest. He shut them tightly and wiped his face. When he got to the steps of Ryan's apartment, he hurried inside. The door was left open, so he let himself in and sat on their couch.
Several things with this paragraph. First, I adore the imagery. It's perfect and well written. Second...it makes me wonder why the door would be left open. It's chilling, and makes me worry for Eric. WHY WOULDN'T HE WONDER THE SAME? :twitch: Stupid male characters. :grr: Although, I suppose he had a bit on his mind. But still!
He had no one now. No one at the foster home cared about him, and he'd always counted on Ryan and her mother to make him happy. They were almost his family. Now Ryan was gone, and her mother was dead. Why was he still here?
Oh god. Erin...:twitch: This..it's fucking beautiful.
The angst, and the poetic flow to this paragraph, it's a bit like stream of consciousness. It's so realistic, and you portrayed this character perfectly. I adore the connection back to his home literally, and then to his home mentally...with Ryan and her mother.
I especially adore the way his question at the end doesn't have an answer. It's left open ended (at least...as far as I've read. xD)..and I think it fits like that. It leaves the reader to question what's going on, and allows them to slip into the character's mind, giving more inadvertent character development.
Ryan felt her heart in her throat as she and Brandon dragged the dead body into the back of the motel. She was choking on sobs and getting sick from the smell of garbage and the bloody motel manager she was moving.
OMG. YOU SWITCHED ON ME AND OMGLDKAGLDH. :cheese:
Right. Now. I've collected my wits after staring at that line for a few minutes, and am now steady enough to continue. xD
I adore the sudden switch after the question. It's like..holyshiztastic. It's not the smoothest transition, but I adoreee how you left it open-ended, and continued on with where the rest of Eric's "family" is, and what their doing.
First...holyshitthisimagery. The trigger imagery is a perfect fit here. I was able to gather so many emotions from this. Fear, disgust, revulsion, confidence, anger, sadness, terror.
It's only a few lines, yet you pulled it off magnificently. :cheese:
I like how you combined the senses for what she was feeling physically, as well as the sense in the combination of the smell of the dead manager and garbage. I can't really explain it, but it works really well.
She let go too, and the man's head hit the asphalt with a thud, causing his neck to snap sideways. Ryan put her hand to her mouth and choked up another sob. She gagged slightly and looked away.
:shock:
I feel as if I can actually hear the crack. -shivers- God, this is good writing. The sounds, and the smells, and the feelings. It's brilliant.
I love how he's so cold and blunt about it...as if he's a trained professional. It's creepy, and vague all at the same time.
"Just…pull yourself together, okay? You're gonna learn that sometimes people have to be eliminated if they get in the way…that guy saw blood on my jacket, and he jumped to conclusions. We couldn't risk it," he said, trying to convince himself also. She shook her head slowly.
Ohmandudewhoa. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ALERT. :crazy: /supercool
Butreally. It's sort of shocking that, no matter how many times he's killed...it still shocks him every time he does it..and that he has to convince himself that it's for the better.
The dialect in this is also good. He sounds sophisticated without losing that sense of young adulthood, not really knowing who he is, or what the fuck he's doing.
"Goddamnit, Ryan just get a fucking grip!" He screamed. Her eyes widened and she stared at him, shaking. Finally she wiped her eyes with her sleeves.
Oh god, it's perfect...him losing his temper like that.
With all of the stress, and her crying...and then her fear of him. He turns into the bad guy, only for you to portray him yet again as the good guy. It's stunning. It's sort of like he's still scared too.
Though her confidence in him was fading.
God..you started this strong, and you ended it stronger.
It's beautiful..this entire chapter is.
The character development, and the way the dialogue flows makes this story. It's got an elegance I can't quite describe. I adore how it's different from all of the other stories I've ever read.
You're a fantastic writer, Erin. Promise.
