May 29th, 2009 at 09:44pm
Okay, there's a couple things I found wrong with that. Firstly, the 'omg' factor. People don't usually say that out loud. I mean, some do. But during an emotional time like this, they probably wouldn't. They'd probably say something that meant a lot more than the usual 'omg leik so kewl' response.
- Quote
- "I LOVE YOU SOPHIE. I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.''
"OMG! TOM I LOVE YOU!" I scream, scaring all the other passengers.
Secondly, just because he holds up a sign, she forgives him? She walked in on him having sex with another girl, and then he has a sign that says 'I didn't mean to hurt you, please forgive me'? If I was her, I'd probably still be majorly pissed off at him. I would find the sign hard to believe. Because just holding up a sign is okay, but he'd have to do something else to make me believe that he's really, truly sorry. I'd have to see him do something really drastic in order for me to believe that he was actually sorry.
You need a beta reader, I think, or spell check.
The storyline was okay. It's just lacking in some areas.[/brutal honesty]
i appreciate it.
i'll probably re-write it. :D thanks though..