Okay. So this story holds a lot of potential. I think you could put a lot more detail into it, though. And build up to your dialogue. In the first chapter it states a few things and then launches directly into the dialogue. You have a good idea, you just need to expand on it. You need to spend time on it, think things through. Envision it as if you were there actually watching it. Not like you were just making it up. Make it so you are the people! Get what I'm saying? Keep it up though, if you really try you could get this up to amazingness.