The Puppetmaster's Effect - Comments

:arms: :cheese:
If a demonstration of the words "perfect," "beautiful," and "haunting," were to come about, this would be the project.
Honestly, a roll of flawlessness hit me while reading: the incredible combo was right in front of me.
The characters, metaphors, and interpretations in the undertone. It was... it was...


Thank you.

Her long, bony hands reach around golden strings. Up and down, up and down they go. Then side to side, side to side.

A very rapt action description of the motion of puppet strings, and the hand that holds them.

haunting giggle.

Hmm. Not quite sure that worked. There's something about the word combination and narrative flow that was off. Maybe, "haunting little chime of laughter" or something more suiting.

The puppetmaster, she’s got secrets.

This reminded me of two Neil Gaiman stories. 'The Sweeper of Dreams' and 'Don't Ask Jack.' Like some being that should only reside in our imagination, yet they are, and they have secrets of their own. Nice way to materialize her, by giving her a history, a mind, of her own other than just being someone with a job to do.

That is where the dark things dwell. She tries to push them out of her mind, but it’s hard. There are times, when all is quiet, and the ballet is in intermission, and the sky is dark.

There's an eerie fairy-tale quality to this, though I think 'dark' became redundant. I know, I know, I'm nitpicking.

She has her ballet, she has her golden strings. She has her own world. Yet small crystals leak out of her eyes and onto porcelain skin.

It seems all your pretty imagery have a small little flaw to them. I love the small crystals as tears, and enumerating what she has, but porcelain is a bit cliche to describe skin.

A child will always be a child.

Lovely. A repitition to emphasize the line. I use this style myself, nice touch!

She looks around at the shadows. The world looks at her. Something doesn’t feel right in her stomach, the acid is churning. But she has a job to do.

Quite a nice line, with good description, perfect pacing, and great importance.

She makes another sharp movement, the golden strings keep dancing.

If you were going for abrupt, this was perfect. If you wanted smoother flow, maybe, like, "she makes another sharp movement, and the golden strings do not cease their dance" or something.

This reads like an outline for a novel, or a excerpt about a character in a novel.
Good work :cute:

This was, and I'm NOT just saying this, one of the best pieces of writing I've read on Mibba. Although it was short, I really, really liked it. These type of stories are my type - little to no dialogue, beautiful descriptions and just really well written.

Let me just say that the choice of words for the title of this one-shot is really good. It's interesting and well, it pulled me in from the start.

I could feel that there was like almost another side to the puppetmaster and her ballet. It was like...I don't know, maybe a metaphor for something. I think maybe it could really be talking about a girl who's ill and she's in her head too much, not noticing what's going on around her or in the world, just living in her imagination. Or, it could be about an autistic girl. I really love reading a story that has another sort of story behind the words.

Ivory-tipped fingernails dance in the air with such grace that one could lose themselves in the motions for hours.
^ Ah, there's an example of what I mean by beautiful description. I could imagine it so well, and I just want to say the words out loud so it can just smoothly roll off my tongue and taste them. <3

She makes a sharp movement and her blond curls fall into her face as she lets out a haunting giggle. She gazes intently over her work. She is the puppetmaster. She is the controller.
^That is so eerie. =O And that's what I love about it. The end there, ''she is the puppetmaster. She is the controller.'' Gives you a real sense of...I don't know the word...haunted-ness? And shows that she's the master.

But the puppetmaster has a flaw. The puppetmaster with her perfect porcelain skin, big, gray eyes, beautiful, flowing blond hair, and a heart-melting smile. The puppetmaster has a flaw.
^ The way you described her was not too much and not too little. In my mind, she looks beautiful and innocent, but creates a sad, strange atmosphere. Descriptive writing here is yet again amazing.


There is a whole other world. A world that is familiar with the puppetmaster. They may not know her, but they see her. She does in fact exist.
^ This is where I started to wonder if this story was like a metaphor for something, or it's just literal. It could be literal but I started to think that maybe it's a girl who's just STUCK in her own mind, and blocks everything out. It really leaves the reader wondering, and I think you wanted to do that, so it's perfect. :tehe:

She makes another sharp movement, the golden strings keep dancing.
^ The way you ended that was just, I mean, it really leaves the reader sitting there, staring at their computer screen, and thinking. Just...thinking. Of all the possibilities of what those words could mean, and what the whole one-shot could mean as a whole. A short sentence, but that's what makes it effective.

It's strange how I have so much to say about a really short one-shot that's got like 5 paragraphs xD, but I Really liked it. And I was on a roll. xD

It's just really my style, and your descriptive writing is immaculate. A very, very good job on this! :cute:

Story/Review Game;

By the first paragraph I thought of innocence the kind only a child would have. " Ivory-tipped fingernails dance in the air with such grace that one could lose themselves in the motions for hours." - That was beautiful it was constructed so well that I thought of the N*sync's video. I think it was Bye, bye, bye when they were puppets. . . I always find weird connections.

The pride this little girl has is very strong. She's confident when whatever she does with her hands. I like how you compare and contrast her to things of life and death. The way you talk about her complexion or her gestures. Haunting giggle and Her fragile, ghostly hands. On golden strings, this has a fantasy like essences to it in a way.

"The puppetmaster, she’s got secrets. She’s not supposed to have them, but she does." - You couldn't have said it betten. Your word choice and tone was lovely and it made me want to live inside this story. Once reading that line I couldn't wait to see what it meant.

"Yet small crystals leak out of her eyes and onto porcelain skin." - omgno: that line was beautiful. I love the Puppetmaster's thoughts of darkness and light, like she's stuck in between the two and doesn't know which way to follow.

"A world that is familiar with the puppetmaster. They may not know her, but they see her. She does in fact exist." - Funny as I was reading I was wondering what her name was and when you mentioned her flaw I was literally speechless. I didn't know what to type. The last paragraph was by far my favorite I got to understand the Puppetmaster a lot better. She only lives for one reason and she will always feel lost in reality then in fantasy. I think we all got a little Puppetmaster in us.

Beautiful, my dear to be a short one-shot.

That was so beautiful.

I will actually review this later on - and by later on I mean in like a year, literally :shifty - so don't delete, but it really was gorgeous.

The only thing was:
The same ballet is playing over and over, yet it never loses it’s tragic beauty.
The 'it's' doesn't need an apostrophe. :cute:

But I really loved that.