Risen Manifest - Comments

I'm not going to lie, this took me a while to get into. My favorite chapter would have to be the third one when King and Trista first meet and have to adjust to living and working together. Like most others have commented, the form you chose to write in is very unique, but you executed it well. The characters have a personality that lures you in and makes you stand behind them, which is good. It's not a flat story. Excellent job. :)

The stage directions make it hard to follow at first, but once you get used to that it's very good.

x

Sorry it took me so long to actually finish reading this. This was amazing, though. The plot is great, and the story/script is overall good in my opinion.

Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I've just been swamped with school and work, and I know you don't want to hear more of my excuses so I'll just start DX

Scene One Review

(Makoto is the father of Trista and the husband of Elena. He works as a police detective. He does not get paid a lot, but he tries to keep a positive attitude towards his situation. He also tries to sell vegetables Trista and Elena plant in front of their house.)

~Okay, this is kind of random, but I think it would be better, since this is going to be in play format, to just have all the characters that are going to be in the Act in the beginning so the reader isn't continuously getting inturrupted by you adding characters in. Just a thought to consider, I guess ;)

Trista: Is the food ready daddy?

~Should be a comma after "ready" here.

Trista: (thinks) even though her smile was so empty with so much pain and hurt behind it I had to smile back.

~I'm not sure this thought is needed... I mean, it wasn't like we needed it to continue the story, you know? And the wording is kind of funny here because at first I thought she was talking about her own smile and then I knew she was talking about her mother's smile. Maybe try something like: Trista: (thinking this) even though she looks so sad and that smile was so weak, I couldn't resist giving her a small glimpse of hope that I still had. or something like that. You can play around with it and see what works best for you.

Scene Two Review

Trista: It’s ok daddy.

~Should be a comma after "ok" here. And now I'm starting to wonder... how old is Trista because she keeps saying mommy and daddy like she's five, so I would make that clear in the beginning what her age is.

Makoto’s eyes are shaking and then tears come down them.

~Can eyes shake? :P I would put something like: Makato's eyes began to glimmer with fresh tears before a droplet slid down his cheek.

Scene Three Review

Jude points his gun down and turns around and walks towards the door.

~Why would he just walk out? Why would he leave her alive when she can give the police his name? You really should explain more of what is going on her. You kind of leave the reader hanging...

Scene Four Review

He quickly opens the door and sees Trista on her knees in a puddle of blood with her hands on her face crying while Makoto’s and Elena’s bodies are next to her.

~Wait, I thought Jude ran out of bullets so he couldn't kill Elena...? If that is true, than why is she dead? Explain more here cause I'm super confused XD

Scene Five Review

Trista: I don’t care how long it takes or what I have to do to see him again. I will find him… and kill him.

~Allright, here, in this scene, Trista acts like she's a teenager, or maybe a little younger by being brave enough to want to avenge her parents' murder. I mean, a five year old wouldn't even understand her parents were gone and would be too shocked to speak, I'm sure. Really try to keep consistant with how your characters react to things.

Rinji: (thinks) little did I know the little innocent ten year girl who was fueled by love was gone and the woman engulfed in hate was born.

~Okay, you say she's ten here. This sounds more like a good age. She still is a little young for saying the things she is but if you want her to be mature, make that show from the beginning.

Scene Six Review

~I found nothing wrong in Scene Six but I suggest making it a little longer because it wasn't long enough to be called a 'scene'. More like a flashforward or something. *shrugs*

Scene Seven Review

Then Trista hold the gun with both hand, lays the gun to her heart, tilts her head forward and closes her eyes.

~Should be: Then Trista holds the gun with both hands, lays the trigger to her heart, tilts her head forward, and closes her eyes. You were missing a couple commas and letters, ect.

Scene Eight Review

Trista walks into her room and puts the gun under her pillow. She sits down on the bed and bends over and pulls out a box the size of a shoebox from under her bed. She sets it on her bed. She opens the box slowly and in the box are a shiny silver gun and a silencer. She picks up the gun, and then she picks up the suppresser and lays them on the bed.

~You use 'box' way too often in this paragraph. Cut back on that and use different vocab.

Scene Nine Review

The family of three looks sadly at Trista as she cries on her knees like a child.

~Why would the family just watch her bawl? Wouldn't they call the police? Doesn't Jude's wife know his past? These are things you need to consider when writing.

Scene Ten Review

Trista stands complexly still.

~I think you mean "completely'" here right? Instead of "complexly"?

* * *

Overall, I thought you have a good plot going but I think you move too quickly with it. Just slow it down a bit and you'll be fine =]

The more I read, the more I didn't want to pull away from my screen, I just can't wait to read more ^_^

wow... that was so good! I love this! Please write more!
I can't wait to read it!

awesome!

the play idea is very good........i liked it........good going!!!!
the ending is also good

woah it's very interesting ^^

this is amazing. i really think it could be made into a movie.

hmm. its diffrent.
I like it..
Just not what i usually read, but very good(:

this is good 8)

i read the first chapter, but that's probably all i'm going to read. it's a great story, but it's hard to read when it's in a play form. don't get me wrong, it's a great story, just not one for me to read.

I like ti so far.
I don't have enough time to read it all right now. But I will later. I promise.
I like it how you wrote it like a script. That's a pretty sweet idea.

I am glad you sent me that message. I enjoyed your story. It didn't take me very long to read, I read pretty fast. But I loved it.
You're getting my subscription definitely.

this is amazing I love the way its written :)

This is very nice. It took me to about half way through the first act to get used to the play like structure of it, but after that it was no problem.
-subscribes-

This is good, I've never really read anything in that format before but I like it. :)

This is different, form of a script from a play
Great story line as well...

im suscribed<3
i like it.

I like your writting style =)
and the story too, glad you PMed me^^
It was completely different from anything I've ever read and I like it!
:)