I hate to ask. And I know I'm going to sound like a freak, but this isn't about you is it?!
March 15th, 2009 at 07:31pm
Story/Review game.
I'm reviewing as I read, so the first few things are likely to be little grammar mistakes. I'm also taking this as completely a work of fiction, not as real life events made into fiction, forgive me if I offend.
"or should I say lack of" lack of should be the lack thereof.
"blinds. One door. Total darkness." I'd use semicolons to separate this, as they're not really sentences.
"Things hat made me" hat=that I'm assuming.
"I used to me a normal" me=be?
You might want to give the entire thing a very good once over, looking for grammar and spelling mistakes.
Now that's out of the way... I like it. Your description is interesting. A bit of a cliché storyline, depressed teenager slitting their wrists, but you made it real, alive. There was an occasional tense slip here and there, but I found myself getting caught up in the story regardless, your writing is captivating, it's an excellent quality to have.
I adore how you change from describing her life before to now. the cynicism and self-hatred in four little words is amazing. The cynicism is there when you're describing who she used to be as well, it brings your character to life.
"My once sparkling eyes must have had their switched flipped off" Aside from switched needing to be switch, this line is incredible. It describes the eyes of a depressed person to a tee. Still colorful, still there, but empty and dark, and the contrast to the eyes before is vivid.
I like how you got into the mindset of a depressed person when you wrote this. Forgive me for saying, but when you're that unhappy, everything seems that much worse.
"I kissed the crimson covered pleasure giver" I like this line... the alliteration adds to the imagery. I might have used coated instead of covered. :)
Good images, a few spelling and grammar mistakes, excellent character. I like how her parents either don't care, or have accepted that they can do nothing to make her happier.
Keep at it, and well done. :)
