When the Sun's Away - Comments

wow i really liekd it!

it was amaing and i wish i could write like that :)

I really liked it and would tell you exactly what I thought but Cristina Scabbia already did that for me!
I enjoyed it a lot.
Great job.
:D

I found this whilst searching on the Pimping And Reccing thread for something to read. I'm always a little sceptical about reading vampire stories because normally they've all got the same storyline and they're poorly written. But this wasn't the case with yours. Yours was really different and you make it so believable, rather than some make-believe world where vampires are perfect and they have everything. Your characters have flaws and this is a very good thing.

The opening paragraph was really great, you set the mood very well and the descriptions were spot on. It was like I'd jumped right into the story and I could see it with my own eyes. The imagery of the stars was particularly good, especially how the centaur was aiming his arrow at the scorpion (I'm no good with spelling so I won't refer to their full names. :tehe:)

The introduction of Kara was really great, too. She seems so scary from the initial description - a dark silhouette - and then when you get deeper into the story and describe night as when the monsters come out. That was great. And how she's initially described as a creature rather than a person or vampire.

I liked the human point of view, too. The humans seemed to think that the scariest things out on the streets at night were the drug dealers, hookers, gangs, and local mafia. I like how naiive it is, and how Kara knows that there are more dangerous things on the loose.

The bit with the prostitute was very believable, how she knows that she isn't good enough compared to some of the other hookers but how she continues on with it. She seems like a person who really cares about her son, selling her body to the streets in order to feed him. It's so sad that she has to resort to what she does, in order to survive. I liked her character a lot, though.

I loved how you described Kara's senses. In pretty much every other vampire story in existence, the vampires just suck people's blood and rush off, but not the case with you. The bit with the murder was believable, how Kara could smell the blood and how she had to fight the urges. A lesser author definitely wouldn't have added that into it. It gives the story another dimension.

The way Kara chose her victim was very interesting, how she goes for the man with the two women. And how he just willingly goes off with her without so much as a thought for the other two women. He seems quite materialistic and he seems like quite a user.

I liked how he doesn't really care about much, how all he really wants is Kara.

The introduction of Nathan was done well. How he tells Kara to stop playing with her food. I like how Jason's fear was then subconsciously brought in by describing his heart at going double the normal speed. The way he treats Kara is really sweet, very un-monsterlike which is intriguing.

And the kiss. Wow. Well done on that, you've got a definite skill of writing scenes like that.

I liked the ending too. Sort-of open ended. I like that I can make my mind up about what happens next.

Sorry I went on a bit! :lmfao I hope this feedback was useful.

That was really good. And don't worry it wasn't to long for me:)
The description was really good not many stories can as much without some readers getting bored but you had it help you to move the story along vary smoothly.
And by the way; thank you for being the first entry in my contest:)

That was wonderful. :)

The description was amazing! The length was well worth it.