Spine - Comments

Whoooa, tension. :0

Encore!

Aha, poor Vicky, unsuspecting of Ayden's hatred of redheads... (;

It was good. Have faith in your writing!

Restarted? Okay, cool :)

I am confused, but I'm sure as you said it will make sense soon! Good job Dash :D

I can see a lot of potential in this. I'd say, if you have the inspiration, write it.
It's an odd story, I'll give you that. I've never read anything like this before. All the better I guess, it makes it more of an original.
I'm almost half-expecting that dude that helped Vicky the first night to make a re-appearance. I can just see him finding out that she's stolen a stretcher, and coming to find her to help. Or, he sees her attempting to steal it, and buys it and the pain-killers for her.
I was also half-expecting the doctor to send Ayden (I think that's how you spelt him name) to the hospital. Head-trauma seems like a serious thing, but it's your story.
I feel sort of bad for Vicky. The poor thing is pretty much living with a super hot dude and can't to anything for him!
Are they going to fall in love and get married or something? That's one way that I can see this story going. The other is that they just stay friends, or that he walks out of her life when he gets better.
Anyways, good job on the story, it's pretty cool.

They're going to steal a stretcher? :tehe: And it's sorta good that they're able to make a point of not snapping at each other all the time (and Ayden had better stop hating her hair colour, or else), so yay for kindness and forced smiles, I guess.

"The first thing we have to do, Vicky thought, was get this loser some clothes."
It's great that even though she's thinking of him as a loser (negative, of course), she's going and getting him some clothes to wear (positive, yay!). I think it's lovely how you made her determined to help Ayden, even when he was really annoying her.

"They were the clothes she had worn before she decided to change her life around and finally go on a diet."
Vicky really doesn't half have some determination, what with being nice to people and changing her life and everything. I wonder what made her do it, though...

"It was worn and slightly too big, sporting a colour, which rested somewhere between brown and green."
I like how you described the colour instead of just naming it. I might as well just write "I love everything you do when you write" because it would save me a lot of time, but isn't even near to being a good comment. But yeah, the point that I love how you write stands.

“I got you some clothes!” she announced with a cheer as she entered the lounge again."
She sounds so chipper, it's great ^^

"She rummaged through the cupboards, before finally finding a half consumed packet of pills"
I love the idea of the pills being consumed as opposed to swallowed, as if they were sweets. And the use of "packet" just sort of reinforces it.

"These are great, thank you!” he beamed."
Weird, but okay. Yay for manners.

"There was some very audible huffing, puffing and grunting coming from the next room, followed by a low screech."
Jeez, his back must be really hurting him. But it's still funny because it seems like he was making noises similar to the noises animals make >.< Animal Ayden :tehe:

"As she slid the underwear over his feet, then his knees, she refused to look at his face – she knew he wasn’t any happier about this than she was. It was uncomfortable for both of them – the tension was filling up the room."
Oh, jeez. I feel awkward for both of them :/ But I suppose, if he couldn't do it himself, she didn't have much choice.

"You’re a darl.”
I love the abbreviation of darling. That is just so awesome, and it's so nice that Ayden said that. Ahwwwww.

"She could see Ayden smile through the folds of the fabric – forgiving her, as though he, too, felt that it had all been her fault."
That's a shame. :/

"Trying to ignore the fact that here was a beautiful man, lying shirtless and sweaty in front of her, Vicky focussed on more serious matters."
:tehe:

"That night, Vicky placed her mattress next to the couch. She refused to let Ayden wake up in pain, with nobody to help him."
There is no end to the awe I feel for Vicky being the nice person she is.

"She crossed her fingers and reached for the phone, hoping that the man had finally returned from his expensive, hardly deserved trip."
I love the fact that she's crossing her fingers and everything, but it sucks that everything became so costly for her. That must be pretty difficult. Angry Ayden is hilarious >.< But the plan to steal the stretcher is immense! I can't wait to see how it turns out.

“Alright,” she sighed finally. “What do I do?”
And do I sense some trusting going on? :cute:

Ayden wasn't bitching about her red hair? Whoa.

I think this will be the start of a beautiful friendship. :tehe:

Ahh, you updated!

I'm glad they're finally (sort of) getting along. And Ayden seems genuinely nice now, at last.

I'm really interested to see where this story leads. More soon please :cute:

Chapter 3:

"Vicky walked into the kitchen and softly closed the door behind her."
I love the way she can close the door that quietly when she's in an amazing amount of emotional turmoil. Shows that she has a great amount of self-control. If I'd been her, I would've probably left him, and that wouldn't have made for an interesting story at all.

"Already, Vicky was wishing that Ayden would just get up and leave."
I sorta hope he'll stop being such a bitch to her. She's caring for him, and he's just being ungrateful.

"Perhaps looking after this man would not only earn her a few karma points, but it would also allow Vicky to learn a couple of things about herself. She could improve on the bad points, such as her fear, and learn to flaunt the good ones, such as kindness."
I love how she seems to be sort of spiritual-y ^^ Maybe she'll get over her fear of older men, too?

"As she threw the early morning meal onto a plate, she scrunched her nose. Never had the smell of freshly cooked meat disgusted her more than it had now."
Ewwwwwwwww. I forgot, Vicky had been drinking the previous night as well. I've never known bacon to sound so completely unappetizing before...

"“Since about…” Vicky looked at the clock, “Ten hours ago.”
This line makes me giggle, because of how she's so matter-of-factabout it :tehe:

"His teeth were grinding and his nose was flaring. It was a matter of seconds before he let a scream escape."
I love this description, how he sounds so monstrous. It almost sounds like he's about to morph into an angry bull and go after Vicky.

"“Look, sugar, I’m not happy about it either, but I’m hungry. Serve it up!” Ayden demanded."
Someone needs to go to anger management.

"He was a good looking guy, that’s for sure, but she hadn’t realised a simple smile could have such an effect on her."
-is appauled-
But he's an angry prick! No, Vicky, noooo! :XD

"He had thick dark brown hair, which ended about ten centimeters away from his scalp."
His hair sure sounds pretty, though...

"She ended up knowing herself off by heart so she could tell any slight changes anywhere along her body."
I like this line - sorta like reading a book so many times that you know all the words to it off the top of your head ^^ Though I wish she'd stop worrying about her body. She sounds so pretty.

"“And merry Christmas to you too!” Ayden threw into the empty air."
Best ending line ever!

Chapter 4:

"Still hungry, Ayden reached for a chunk of bacon, which had landed on his chest, and stuffed it into his mouth."
I absolutely love this line - it makes me think that Ayden doesn't have a clue what to do without Vicky there to spoon-feed him, and now he's going purely by instinct >.<

"It was quite chilly for a summer day, he realised, before looking outside to be greeted by a grey sky."
At first I thought it was really strange that it was Christmas day, and it was summer (sorta did a double-take at that point), but when I read farther in, I realised why. I feel like such an idiot :XD That was such a major clue to where this is set, too...

"Although he was the one lying in the middle of Vicky’s lounge, unable to move, he knew he was in complete control of this girl."
That is such an asshole-y thing to think. Stupid Ayden. Gurr.

"And he knew she was a girl."
I like this line, too. I dunno, just something about it is really awesome.

"It didn’t make her look any more dominant than a seal in a shark’s territory."
I like how he compares Vicky to a seal, because seals are so adorable. Ahhh, but if only she didn't have red hair, right?

"She was a redhead, and redheads deserved to burn."
Bitch -slaps Ayden-

“Bloody bastards are on holiday, spending Christmas somewhere expensive, probably. With all that money they hardly deserve, they buy an answering machine and a ticket to paradise.”
I love the whole buying answer machines and a ticket to paradise part - it's actually incredible. I still want your brain. Seriously, it's one of the most amazing lines I've ever read in a story on here!

“Twenty-two,” the girl snapped, as though Ayden had asked her about her sexual history."
:lmfao

"What city was he in? What country?"
I love the way he's so confused. I really wanna know what happened on Chistmas Eve for him, because it sounds like it mst have been hilarious (apart from the whole Vicky finding him naked part XD)

“You’re in my lounge, silly!”"
I love how bubbly and stupid she sounds here. Like the colour pink has gone to her brain kinda stupid.

“Don’t you know?”
I love how Vicky says this to wind him up. I bet she's got a real evil streak in her >.<

“New Zealand?” Ayden demanded, not wanting to be screwed over again."
I also love how paranoid Ayden is here. Who's in control now?
And yay for Christchurch being the setting!

"As Vicky headed into the kitchen with a half full plate, she muttered, “Oslo’s in Norway, you noob.”
Yay Vicky!

Is that a NZ plug I sense? :lmfao

Gorgeous update, as ever darling. Ayden's starting to piss me off, though. :grr: Shut the fuck up and eat your fucking bacon, asshole.

Ungrateful twat. :file: But I loved how she totally pwned him at the end. Score one for redheads everywhere! :XD

UPDATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Now.

There, you happy?

Dude, I leave you some really lame comments for this story O_O

Chapter 2:

"Ayden felt an urgent need to silence the noise and eliminate whatever was causing it."
It really sounds like Ayden's got a bit of an anger problem - just by the fact that he feels the need to eliminate the problem permanantly. I've just noticed that I always seem to think negatively of your male characters - just cant help it, I guess :XD

"Not wanting to open his eyes, for the fear of coming face to face with something he wasn’t ready to challenge"
I like the way he admits that he isn't really ready to start a fight/do some silencing, and I like the way how he's scared. Sort of shows a different side of him, even if it's just for a moment.

"The wallpaper was a light, dusty shade of grey."
You know, I never expected Vicky's house to be decorated quite so dully - I expected more vibrant colours, because she sounds like a bubbly sort of girl.

"In fact, she looked a lot more vulnerable than Ayden, who was lying on a couch with a murderous headache, unwilling to move."
I like how you descibe Vicky here, and I like the way how Ayden's pretty quick at assessing his current situation - makes me think that he's been in that situation a few times before.

"Her eyes – wide and curious – shone with a bright green"
She sounds absolutely beautiful. I can imagine her eyes, really cicidly.

"Smiling awkwardly, as though she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing in the room herself"
There seems to be something really graceful about Vicky, in the way she smiles, as if she's trying to get Ayden to relax, 'cause she's probably thinking that's he's freaking out majorly. But I like the way she also doesn't seem to know what she's doing in the room herself, though I get the feeling that she gets that feeling often.

"Ayden sighed with shame as he remembered that this woman, who was taking her rage out on him, had seen him naked the night before."
:lmfao
I love the tone - it's the whole, "shit I made a BIG mistake, and now I'm gonna have to grin and bear it" type of situation >.<

"Whenever he brought up that dreaded number, he always remembered that he had done nothing good with his life so far. More bad than good anyway."
I'm intrigued - most of your male characters seem to have a murky past, too. At least, maybe helping Vicky out with make up for some of the good he could have done?

"Ayden gagged as he lost all his appeal for the woman standing in front of him."
I love the way how you desribed why Ayden hates red-haired woman - it makes a lot of sense, but why should he just hate like that at first impressions? I mean, he and Vicky were getting along okay-ish there, and then he finds out she has red hair and it's instant hate? He really needs to let go of his problems, he does.

"before softly closing his eyes in order to escape this unknown world – at least for a while."
That's a shame he feels he has to escape - I can only imagine he'll be trying that when he's all kitted out and his back doesn't hurt him any more.

(Will comment Chapter 3 later - sorry for procrastinating again.)

You know what, I adore your character descriptions so much

I wish Ayden would be more grateful towards Vicky :grr:
Looking forward to more!

Aww, they're fighting! I'm guessing this is the start of a beautiful relationship! :tehe:

So, anyways...She's still letting him hang out in her house, even though he's being an ass? I dunno, I probably would have kickes/shoved/dragged him out if he was acting so bitchy. That's just me though. :file:

I'm extremely curious as to how this is going to play out....Don't leave us hanging!

Okay, so my excuse for not commenting properly this time is that I arived home from the French trip muchhh later than planned, and then I was on msn and people actually wanted to talk to me, and I had to eat fod, but by Saturday (hopefully Friday, but you know what I'm like) for sure, I'll have a proper comment for you.

I have no idea how you can put up with waiting for comments for so long.

Anyway, I love the whole idea of him potentially hating her! It's so interesting and new, and it's like racism, but it's not, so it's fantastic! You and your original ideas ^^
-hugs-

I like how chirpy and happy Vicky seems. I like her quick temper, too, because it reminds me of me. Also reminds me of Dawn in the way that her temper just fizzles out like that (which also sounds like me).

I also love the fact that you put in an explanation of why Ayden hates red-haired women, instead of just playing it out for like, ever, which is what a lot of people would havedone. And I love the way how Vicky corrected herself and told him he had socks on, so he wasn't completely naked ^^

Your writing is just so incredible!

I just loved this. You have a very intricate style of writing, that some how paints this picture in my head of the people you have made up but without seeming overly wordy. It just flows beautifully.

I loved the way you described Vicky. And I loved the way you descibed the man who was describing Vicky. He seems very bitter, and she's bubbly. I like them so much already. :)

I just adore this story.

OMG NUUU STORYYY!
-is fangirl for your creative writing talent-

"His waist was barely wider than her own"
I love this line - it's my favourite out of the whole story so far ^^ It's just so descriptive and awesome and makes me think of twigs. Why's Vicky not eaten a carb since she was sixteen? -shakes fist- And you really have this way of making me like names beginning with "V" - I actually never used to like the name Vicky, because in this cartoon that I still sometimes watch, there's this sixteen-year-old chick called Vicky and she's protrayed as the evil babysitter. So I hope this Vicky's not evil ^^

And I want to know why that guy was lying there, in the alleyway, all on his own, and, well, naked :XD
But mostly I'd prefer to know why he put on matching socks that morning.
And now for some reason I'm thinking that it could have been his stag do or something, but I sorta doubt that - I'm sure you come up with wayyyy more interesting plots than "some guy gets drunk on his stag do and gets lost and he's naked and found by this other drunk chick".

And this is only a crappy review for a new, amazing piece of work because I can't think of anything else to write at the moment and I'm being distracted by this comic that's sitting in front of me and I'm sorta stopping every five minutes to read it. Sorry, but you know I love youuu! :arms:

And I'll write a longer review for when the next chapter is posted.
-suscribesssss-

Only spotted one mistake, though, in the first chapter (which mibba labels the second chapter, just in case I confuse you). Halfway through, you change narative from third person to first person for a few sentences. I got confused, but then again, it doesn't take much to confuse me...
"“Couldn’t you give him some of your clothes?” I begged. I didn’t want a random man in my house. Much less did I want to lose my coat."

Wow. Just....wow. I sort of liked the reluctant man from the window, he made me grin. And I definetly like Vicky. She's very...well, drunk it this chapter, but I like her drunk personality, at least. :)

And Mr. Naked is still as naked and as mysterious as ever. Yay for updates! I want to see what happens!

Hmph, I thought I had clicked subscribe, but obviously not :file:

I love this, you're an amazing writer

I cannot wait to see how this story turns out. It has me hooked already :tehe:

I suck at writing reviews, by the way...
But I'm also most definitely subscribing!

Well, I'm totally stoked for this. Anything Muse in origin is fine by me. Also, I can't help but to admire anyone I come across who has a firm grasp on grammar and how to use it. I'm a bit of a Nazi about such things, I'll admit. It seems like so much of Mibba is ruled by preteens hiding under their bed covers because they're up past their bed time, writing bad Jonas Brothers fanfictions. [/rant]

Even if that first bit was short, it said so much more than what some people fill in three chapters. The descriptions were lovely, and the cell phone made me crack up. Even though it was completely serious, it made me laugh.

I'm subscribing, and two thumbs up, darling. I can't wait!