January 11th, 2010 at 05:51pm
Story Review Game
I’m not particularly fond of the layout. While I like the picture you used, it is quite cool looking and very pretty, and I do like the background color I don’t particularly like how the text over laps the picture. I’ve never liked it when layouts do that because it makes the story kind of hard to read. I suggest minimizing the picture so it no longer overlaps the banner or moving the text over to the right so that it doesn’t over lap either. It’ll make the story easier to read.
I like the summary, it’s just enough to get one interested and it doesn’t give away too much about the story. It got me a little interested in the summary. But I don’t think you needed to warn people about the sex in the story. Warnings like that aren’t necessary to a story.
I’m going to be doing this review without having read the other chapters, and I’m not particularly a fan of Taking Back Sunday or Adam Lazzara but I’ll do my best on this review.
Chapter Three
She pulled her keys out from her designated floor.
I don’t think from is the correct word to use. It just doesn’t make sense that she pulled her keys out from the floor. With the way that sentence is now, that’s what it is saying. I think a better way to phrase it would be “She pulled her keys out from her pocket for her designated floor”. I think that would make a lot more sense than the way it is now.
She pulled her keys out from her purse and approached a door with the numbers "158" nailed on.
I honestly don’t get why this sentence is there with “she pulled her keys out”. Didn’t she already get her keys out in the sentence before? Or am I missing something here? It just doesn’t make sense that she already pulled her keys out but she just pulled them out from her purse…
I think you have a little too much description on her actions. It just wasn’t appealing to me how much description you put on her actions and her actions alone. And you didn’t put much description on her emotions towards the movie, I think a little more of that could have been better for the story.
Hey, Reagan, it's London!" The person on the other end greeted.
"And Charlie!" Chimed in a third party.
"And Hayden." - A fourth.
I think it would be better if you separated your dialogue better. Like how you double space your paragraphs, double space your dialogue too. It’ll make it easier on the reader to read your dialogue.
Look, Ray, we're your friends, we can't not do this. We want you to be happy." Hayden replied with a serious and gentle tone.
You should put a comma after the end of your dialogue that ends up a period. What I’m trying to say is, after happy there should be a period. Full stops aren’t the proper way to end dialogue. But with an exclamation and question mark, you don’t need a comma. Just a period.
In all honesty, your story kind of bored me. I was having trouble keeping interest on it. Maybe it was just the “filler chapter” but it still bored me to a certain extent. But that may just be my personal preference on your story. Others may probably really like it. It’s just not my thing. I didn’t like reading your story much. And I’m really not trying to be mean, it’s just my opinion.
Your writing is really good, you just need to improve on those few things I pointed out. Other than those, I didn’t find many mistakes and that was good. You did well on the story.
This story is so amazing
You're a brilliant writer :D