Jeff - Comments

the small print. (100)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 32
Location:: Ireland

I really really really liked this Bells

Your beautiful writing never ceases to amaze me.

May 4th, 2009 at 08:21pm

Rose Red (400)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 31
Location:: Canada

I really, really liked this. Flash fiction can be really hard to write, but you pulled it off wonderfully. You have to get something across in such a short amount of time, and it takes a special kind of talent to be able to do it, which you definitly have.

At first I couldn't figure out what was going to happen, but in a good way. Jeff sounds like quite the guy, with the knockoff shoes and six foot frame. I didn't know what to make of him right away, but now that I look back on it, he seems like a lonely man that's got at least a few regrets in life.

And then you go into the part about him discovering that his old crush is making it big! I thought that was really unuiqe because of the way you wrote it.

He did, however, remember the way her wide green eyes shone up at him from under a thick fringe of blond and honey-tinted hair, in excited anticipation of his answer.

This was one of my favorite lines in the story, even though I can't fully explain why. I guess maybe because it was like the calm before the storm? The last good moment before everything went to shit kinda. I've had moments like that in my life as well, so maybe that's why.

“No way!” he had objected. “You already have a guitarist. I don’t need another guitarist backing me up. Besides, I’ve heard you play. You’re rubbish.”

Seriously, if I'd have heard that I probably would have kicked him in the nuts or something. I get that he was trying to be all macho and hard to get, but it still seems like such a jerky thing to do. And to read that he's paying for it all these years later is wonderfully ironic.

It’s just like this town, Jeff thought, to brag about anything good to come of it.

That totally sounds like my town XD We milk any talent until it's total overkill.

The only person he could be mad at was himself as he thought of the day ahead of him, when he would be sitting out in the streets of an outside mall, strumming pointlessly at his guitar, while quietly singing along as passers-by dropped silver coins into his hat – not a single of which stopped to listen.

I loved this last part. You write so beautifully and vividly, and this sentence really shows it. Awesome job

March 14th, 2009 at 04:12am

Laces For Hanging. (150)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 31
Location:: Great Britain (UK)

I don't think your writing could ever be lame, and even though it's short, I get the message:

Never ever tell a girl that she's rubbish at anything. Bad move, boy. Bad move.

Well, that's one of them. But the other is probably something like "everything's gonna come back to haunt you" or something like that.

Okay, so the whole start of this comment has so far been pretty lame/a waste of your time. Better comment begins nnnnow:

"Sitting on the old brown couch with wine stains and tears throughout"
This is the sort of thing I'd write, actually (well, I sort of already have, but it's in the form of lyrics for my music composition). You know, with the imagery with the wine and tears and that means someone's probably crying their head off and all. I really like the use of "throughout", though - gives a idea that the couch is completely battle-scarred, as well as just old. Been though a lot of emotional times with them human things. And I like the colour you chose for it - brown is sorta dull, fades into the background, probably just like Jeff now (also, you've done it again with the name thing - I used to deteste the name Jeff, too).

"Not giving a damn, the man kicked off his black leather knock-off shoes, which he had bought at a second hand store for half price to save it from closing down."
That's somewhat awesome. I'd totally do the same if one of my favourite stores were closing down (:

"Small Town Muso Kicks off Big Career"
Okay, I must ask - what does "Muso" mean? Sorry for being lazy and not bothering to go find my dictionary (which is pocket-sized and therefore, pretty shit). And the whole title just reminded me of my band, which was pretty sweet ^^

I always feel that in everything you write, you seem to leave something in there that makes me feel special and lovely and warm. I bet you've never realised that, though. Gahh, it's so weird to explain, but I just feel that everytime I read another chapter of your work, the connection between us is stronger, and that probably sounds stalkerish, but I refuse to take it back! I labuuuuu.

:arms:

"He did, however, remember the way her wide green eyes shone up at him from under a thick fringe of blond and honey-tinted hair, in excited anticipation of his answer."
Allison sounds lovely - how cuold Jeff do that to her? And her liked her, too! -shakes fist at Jeff-

"It’s just like this town, Jeff thought, to brag about anything good to come of it."
God, that place sounds like Coatbridge. I see how it doesn't mention all the bad things. Just like Coatbridge. And now it's just sunk in that you wrote this in third person. Weird. Usually you use a first person narrative, do you not?

"The only person he could be mad at was himself as he thought of the day ahead of him, when he would be sitting out in the streets of an outside mall, strumming pointlessly at his guitar, while quietly singing along as passers-bys dropped silver coins into his hat – not a single of which stopped to listen."
I really love this - it's a complete contrast to Allison being such a success after Jeff saying she was rubbish, and now Jeff being rubbish. 'S'like karma, with an attitude problem.

At least he wasn't getting coppers, though.

March 6th, 2009 at 08:50pm

Bells. (365)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 31
Location:: New Zealand

Thanks :) It's a one shot, sorry.

February 28th, 2009 at 06:55am

Sammy-Poo! (100)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 29
Location:: Canada

That was really good, actually.

Question: Is there anymore chapters, or is it a one-shot type of thing?

February 26th, 2009 at 06:11pm