Veins of Stars - Comments

Really beautiful!
I love the idea; how you thought it up I'm not quite sure.
And beautiful use of the whole Artemis/ Orion/ Kali etc.

You have such a poetic prose here. It was incredible to read such an amazing stories; besides the fact that I am fascinated with ancient mythology.

A few tips for improving your incredible imagination: Don't throw commas everywhere; it makes the gorgeous story look messy; besides, you don't want to deal with all those run-on sentences! Trust me, those things are a hell of a thing to improve.

Also, watch out for sentences that are lacking of verbs; the rules on mibba are pretty tight on those things, and you need to watch out for those kinds of things.

Besides all that, I congratulate you!

i'm a bit confused too...
but there were lots of pretty words :)

i'm a bit confused too...
but there were lots or pretty words :)

AHHHHHH DANIIII

I'm confused.

Wow. This is pretty amazing to read. Your prose is poetic. I love this, it's beautiful. Probably among the best story pieces I've read online, definitely the best I've read lately.

And now, since I'm a critical reader and grammar freak?, here are three things you might want to look at:

"Her skin dark, almost sheer in tone, it signified her as a Goddess." is slightly awkward; also the word "it" is grammatically incorrect there. Maybe "Her skin, dark and almost sheer in tone, was typical of a Goddess." or something to that effect. This is just a suggestion (besides the part about the word "it.")

"Her voice smooth and light, yet dark like a room in preparation of sleep." This sentence needs a verb. "Her voice -was- smooth and light," probably would work best.

"Leaving the book, and canteen, the man started across." Here you just have one too many commas. "Leaving the book and canteen, the man started to cross."