The Boys - Comments

Story Review Game

Title
To be honest, I don't really have an opinion on the title. It doesn't leave for a lot of debate on what the story will be about, but then again depending on what you want the story to be about it could be totally interesting. Just like The Lost Boys. It's simple, which I like. I can't stand titles that are more than three words.

Layout
Well, since it's pre-made I can't really say anything about it. I hate all the pre-made layouts on this website, but that's nothing against you. But I would suggest maybe try and make your own layout. Normally, in my case, seeing someone who can make a story layout normally depicts whether I'll what to read their story or not.

Chapter Four

Okay so my first word of advice for you is to separate your dialogue. You have it all scrunched together breaking only the line instead of the paragraphs. You have to like separate the dialogue.

Like.

“So,” Sean said, making small talk. “You must have left a lot of friends back home, huh?”

“Yup,” Casey said, staring out the window.

--

Make sense? Also, I would recommend maybe drawing out the dialogue. You seem to just put it one after the other with a lot of dialogue tags. Sometimes dialogue tags and break the flow and if you maybe put descriptions around the dialogue, or scenery or emotions, or something so it's not just talking.

Also, it might be because I'm starting from chapter four, but I'm not really getting much from your characters. You're not putting much into them aside from actions and dialogue. So maybe add in some more description on their personality, add in little habits they have like if Casey bites her nails when she's nervous, or something?

. He was wearing a faded black thirt, and loose pyjama pants I think you mean shirt, and pajama.

Overall, the chapter was interesting. I'm not sure if I would continue reading the story, mainly because it's not something that interests me. It seemed like typical gathering and toying around, without the descriptions of what is really going on. I mean, I know what was happening. But not...how it was happening? If that makes sense. The detail was what was missing and that normally makes the story/chapter.

Chapter Five

This next chapter is so much better than the last. Instead of pretty much being all dialogue and action, there's description. I still would like to see more, but however brief it's there and that makes me extremely happy. Still a lot of action going on however, but I can see improvement, whether it be from help you've received or just because you're improving, it's there.

So yay. :)

I like and I don't like the big breakfast scene. I don't see the pertinence in that scene being there, and yet it adds a lot to your characters. She loves breakfast, awesome. That shows a lot about character, even if it doesn't. IT tells that she's a morning person, because honestly, I would never wake up for breakfast if I didn't have to. XD

Later that day, after Casey was showered, she dressed herself in her knee-ripped, light wash jeans and black t-shirt This is something that is a HUGE pet peeve for me. I feel like what the person is wearing, every day isn't important. At all. Okay, she's wearing ripped jeans. I really don't care. Do you get what I mean? Telling the reader what a character is wearing, normally, in my opinion isn't important AT ALL. It's just blabber, and just bugs me.

The ending of the chapter, just kind of ended. I mean, I don't think it was that great a spot to end. Just okay let's go? I was so put out by it. And it didn't really make me want to continue on. There wasn't really a cliffhanger, just you're expecting what's to come. Awkward convo.

I can't really say whether you have a good start or not, seeing as I haven't read the first few chapters. But I can still see room for improvement throughout your chapters. I hope that I helped with my comments, I'm sorry if this review sucked. I keep getting distracted with food...and more food. :yah:

Very good :) Can't wait to see where you go with this :D

Totally rockin story keep it up!!!!!

loving the story
cant wait to read more
update please :)

Yep. Jamie likes her. I'm positive :) Baha Love the update ;) :D:P

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. So I'm thinking Jamie acts like he hates Casey, but he secretly likes her and doesn't know why ;) Like the update :) :D :P

pretty interesting story
i like it (:

have a gander at mine?

That's weird........I thought I had commented on this before. But I like it so far. :) Obviously Sean likes her, and I'm thinking Jamie might too, he's just being....idk really mean :) I like it so far ;) :D: P

Update more :) I had almost forgot about this one! But it's really good. Good ideas :)

loved the new chapter!! Keep Writing :)

the new chapter is great :) keep going, keep going, keep going. !!!

Lisa!!
I LOVE IT
=]
lyx

love it!
can't wait for more :D

I reaalllyy liked the third chapter. Please tell me she hook up with Sean. Lol.
KEEP WRITIIINNGGG :)

Ooohh..! The second was good. I like the way she met Sean. She didn't drool, or fumble for words or whats-not. That's a nice intro on the first boy. *continue bcoz I'm rooting for ya! *wink*

i loooooove the second chapter :)
keep writing.

Hmmm... 'The Boys' seems pretty interesting. I'm opting for you to continue :)