April 2nd, 2009 at 01:32am
:cute: Haidere, honig. Gonna go as I go, as per usual.
:cheese: I love the first paragraph. Srsly. It's so...wow. Kind of reminds me of Fight Club, neh? I love how you say the dark circles are carved into his skin, instead of that they're beneath his eyes or something. :think: I'm not too sure about the dialogue though. Something about it doesn't flow quite as nicely as the rest of it.
You have such lovely descriptions.:think: Alright, he's a loony. A nutter. I don't normally like crazy characters. Tend to piss the fuck out of me. The beginning where it's talking calmly about him smoking and stuff doesn't really set you up for this, and I think it distrupts the flow. Maybe a different beginning or something? I dunno. Everything up until the point where he starts laughing seems like he's a normal person, and then he seems very freaking nutty. Something not right there.
There are men who’ve become shells of their former selves, and then there’s him. The boy who never was. :yah
I'm not really understanding his insanity but I get the picture that you want it that way, ja? Still don't understand the root of his mentality or anything though. As I've said, he seemed normal at the start.
A saint and a sinner can’t share the same vessel. *noms on your writing*
“Help me, fix me, kill me,” a pause, “Please.” :cheese: That really sets the mood, the tone at the end, I think. Seems like he went out on a spiel of temporary loss of insanity and then went back to his prior state, but he's coherent this time. Interesting, really.
I'm not understanding the slight first-person inserts here and there, though. :think:
And I get the feeling that the character has schizophrenia, but I could be wrong.
I'm going to write this as I go, so yeah. Just thought I'd point that out.
Right off the bat... within the first paragraph I had a prefect image of the main character in my head. The description was flawless, really. The yellow skin, the cracked lips. Everything was written perfectly in my opinion so I want to applaud you on that.
I also liked the “Help me, fix me, kill me.” and the way you repeated it throughout the story. I'm a sucker for repetition. I absolutely love it, and you placed it in there pretty well, too. It wasn't too much but it was enough to get your point across.
There are men who’ve become shells of their former selves, and then there’s him. The boy who never was. This line really stood out to me. He's a completely different breed, I'm assuming. So what I'm personally taking from this is that he's not detatched. He's beyond that. He's just not there anymore -- or he never even was there. He's been living to die throughout his whole life which is really sad when you think about it hard enough. He's basically thrown his whole life away. It's amazing how you've expressed all of that in just about two lines. Bravo on that.
The last few paragraphs. :shock: That's literally what I've been reduced to. I mean... there is just so much emotion and such. Especially since it's told through another's point of view. I don't necesarily know how that person feels... but I'm getting a good sense of how the other feels. That's really odd because I don't think I've read something like that before. At least not that I can remember. I almost completely forgot about the narrator and kind of believed it was told from the third person because I had such a great insight on that troubled character.
The final paragraph... the way he was sitting there completely reduced to tears and the bit about the wingless angels and the demons (Fantastical stories of wingless angels and demons that visit him in the night.) I have to agree with the person above me and think he has Scizophrenia (I don't know if that is spelled correctly.). I'm also thinking he's a drug addict as well, but he might be using druges to cope with his depression. I don't know. Either way... what is wrong with him isn't my point. I can feel for him. You made it so that I as the reader can get a good look at whats running through his head even though it doesn't make much sense. He wants to die and that's basically his main goal, but towards the end... or at the very end, I'm getting the sense that he may not want to die anymore. He just wants to get better. The "please" at the end of his sentence. He pauses and then says please.
He's hopeless, I think. He's at the end of his road and he has nowhere to go and he just wants some help. I am your sickness and I am your cure. I'm not sure if he's going to get it though. It's funny how in some stories you can grow attatched to the characters and you don't really know how it got that way. Even in a one-shot. You feel so much emotion towards one of the characters and you've only "known" them for a short while. It takes a certain kind of writer or... just a certain kind of story to do that to a person. And I really really just want this guy -- whoever he is -- to get better. I really do even though I know it won't really happen because it's all fiction (more than likely).
I'm just about done here. I really just want you to know that I loved this from begining to end. I have nothing negative to say other than this made me a tad bit sad. But I like to think that is a good thing. Kudos.