April 17th, 2009 at 05:21pm
This line is repeated everywhere. It's effective and it helps the reader to understand why you've picked it as a title. I like the way that both Frank and Gerard say it. Negatively, the punctuation in your first paragraph needs to be checked: some of those full stops need to be commas, colons or semi-colons.
I love how you use metaphors and similies, to be honest I'd like to be able to use them as eloquently as you, but the next two paagraphs should really be just the one.
Iwanted to smile, to laugh, albeit it would have been manic, but I wanted to.
This is my favourite sentance so far: you've included both `albeit` and `manic`, two of my favourite words, but it is spoilt a little by the typo at the front. This needs fixing urgently.
The description of Gerard in between lines of speech is wonderful, especially the bit that says that his breath smells of oranges. I keep telling people to put in castaway details for effect, but no-one ever does. You've made my day.
Slowly, my smile starts to take form, but I don’t want it to.
Because this isn’t real.
This bit confused me. Even if it isn't real, why doesn't he want to smile? I wanted to yell `nooooo...` rather loudly at my computer screen. WHY DOESN'T FRANK WANT TO SMILE? Then before I go off into a angry, anti-Gerard rant, you put this little nugget in.
That was the last time I ever saw him. Actually, no. It was the last time I saw him alive.
Now, I can't say anything about the first sentance, because I've used that recently. It works rather well as a closer, but the second part bugs me. Normally, I would put a paragraph in between them, but I can understand if you want to keep it as it is... Although, I would suggest changing the `It` to a `That`.
Just smile.
Epic closer. I congratulate you on that.
That starting had my attention because the way it’s written is with bitterness – why would this character be so bitter? Maybe that man broke his heart, maybe he loved that man but that man didn’t love him? But as I read on, I realized that they were in love, the kiss that they shared at made him go all funny which made me smile – true love.
“Just smile,” he whispered again. “Babe, just smile.”
I love it how you repete the phrase Just smile – it’s just effective on so many different levels and it works extreamly well in this story. :cute:
“Come on, Frankie, smile,” he whispered again, his breath, smelling distinctly of orange, hitting me in sweet waves.
I don’t know why but I honestly love that line. It just makes us (the readers) smile without even thinking about it – that shows how good of an author you are if you can make your readers react with the story without thinking about it.
His voice was soothing, like a mother’s coo to her upset child.
That lines works really well in this story, well done.
But I can’t now, it’s over. All fucking over. He left me, how could he do that to me? Why would he? He knows how much I fucking need him. I can’t even forgive myself; it’s partly my fault, right? I didn’t stop him. He shouldn’t have left in that damned car.
I don’t like how angry Frank is – it really scares me and makes me want to cower behind my computer chair.
Either way, I want him back. I wish I had smiled for him. If he were here right now, I know what he’d be saying though. I know the line, those two simple words, so well that they’re apart of me. Forever carved into my brain, my heart.
Just smile.
The last paragraph along with the last two words work amazingly together. I don’t usually read Frerard’s because they’re usually poorly written but honest to God, I love this one!
You’re a really good writer; I hope to get the time and chance to review some of your other one shots/stories again. :cute:
I hope you win/did win that competition this was entered into because you deserve to. :cute: