Free Fall - Comments

You haven't updated in a while and I just now got into this :shifty. But I must say that I really do like this m'dear. It's amazing. Very lovely and original in my opinion. I love your style of writing.

I like this. I really like this! :shock: I never read anything like this before and I absolutely love it.

I really want to read more soon! :D

That was an amazing story, I'm sorry it took so long to get around to reading it but you are definately getting a subscription from me, I still think the first bit is awsome. And the whole Mr and Mrs moering thing, I can't wait to see how that turns out, update soon or I will have to attack you at school (joking), love you amy -hug-

u r an amazing author i could never ever right somthing like this! this makes me jealous but happy at the same time. right away i fall in love with the character AJ she is amazing and different, shes natural, normal, but different. she is what everyone should b like. i also love the character jason. he is amazing how much he lovz her but doesnt realize it till the play, till that night they make love. it is an all out amazzin story that u have to wright more too i am so loving it and wanting to read more its like a drug! lol dont worry im a little weird so stuff like this is normal for me to say. lol anyways its an amazing story and u need to wright more

I sort of love how this story started with the end, too...

How sweet of them to make love :tehe:
I love this

Plus, I love Manchester. I go every weekend :P I know all the places you talk about in this which is great
xxx

You, ma'am, are a splendid writer.

(This is for the Story/Review thingy.)

I'll pick out six favourite quotes! Which is really selective, actually, because your writing is full of nice lines.

Chapter 1
"My name is Jason, and I wear girls' undergarments." - PERFECT beginning! I know somebody else said it, but this is an insanely good way to open a story. It's light-hearted, it's immediate, involving, intriguing. You've instantly got the audience's sympathy, in a single line. I applaud you!

"The priest swore blind she was possessed." This line is still contributing to the humour of the description of this AJ lass, but the reason it works is because it's so, so over-the-top. Can you actually imagine being so eccentric that people are seriously convinced you're possessed? It's hilarious. Yeah, I'm so technical. But it's great, and it's also great because it helps us learn more about our narrator, good ole Jason, and the kind of people he's attracted to.

Awright...

Chapter Two
"AJ emptied her lungs." This might not seem like the most exciting line to you, but to me, this is just perfect. It's minimal, but it still sounds like something somebody would say, it's not contrived at all. It also conveys a nice image of her lungs being clogged up as a metaphor for repression. AJ's a free spirit.

"the bit where the Queen has sex with the donkey headed-guy" I have nothing constructive to say here except :lmfao

Chapter Three
"I was never fortunate enough to meet my Father. My Mother, on the other hand, was an entirely different kettle of fish." This is a nice return from the flashback. It helps the reader slide back into the groove of the narrator's informal tone. There's just a nice kind of warmness to the way you write, and I think that this line is one of those moments.

"We were dirty, especially her, from play fighting on various stretches of grass whilst receiving the tuts and scorn of passers by." This is very vivid, and also effectively contributes to the idea that their first sex wasn't perfect. I mean, some of the smut on this site makes me ill in its fantasy nature. This isn't sex, this is romance. A whimsical romance, but a romance nevertheless.

OK, those are my six quotes done. Other than that, I'm gonna have to comment on:

Style: Exquisite. Its quirks and imperfections are really what makes it work. The whole piece as yet is so... energetic. I can't really think of another word. But yes. There's nothing you need to change, particularly. The minimal descriptions enhance it rather than detract from it.

Characterisation & Relationships: I've said it already, but it's just so whimsical. 'I'm bored, let's have sex'. But in a good way. It makes it seem almost real. I feel like the characters are people I know, and it's obvious that they mean a lot to you.

OK, I hope that's not too rambly of a review!
:tehe:

IGNORE... again :roll:

IGNORE

then something in return you shall get (:
your story is so...original and its just so...i can't think of the right word, amazing?
its one of the best stories i've read on this site

I’m reviewing for the story review game, instead of doing my German homework, so you should be privileged I’m doing this for you :)

Oooh and original fic. I’m interested to read this one, I’ve never read an original fic *is ashamed*

I really like the Summary, it really drew me in. Made me think, what happened to AJ? Why did she do that?

My name is Jason, and I wear girls' undergarments.

Fantastic, punchy first line. Makes the reader laugh and gets them engaged straight away. It certainly got me engaged ^-^

...with that strange feather quill and ink pot of hers. Outside of school, it was the only thing she'd write with.

This is a great line, that tells us a little more about AJ, it made me think she’s a really interesting, very different kind of character. You’re writing is flowing really well as I’m reading, it’s great ^-^ I wish I could read more writing like this more often. Everything is spaced out really well too, making it easier to read. Well done :) I don’t know how many times I have to say that to some people...

...Like how she would always wear odd socks, unless it was a Tuesday or, the socks were red, because red socks were antisocial and would act snooty around socks that weren't red... Although, they didn't seem to mind that time we'd tossed our socks in a heap in her living room so that we could feel the new carpet between our toes: my socks were yellow that day.

I love this! It tells me both the characters are a little bit abnormal, but this really made me laugh! I found it quite sweet, noticing insignificant things about their days together. Love it.

back then, I would have been very small and my Mother still dressed me up like a little girl (pink, head to toe and always a dress, skirt or pinafore) on weekends.

Now here, I got really confused. I don’t know if you meant for that to happen, but I take it the speaker is a boy? Then why does his mother dress him up? I guess I’ll have to find out, but I just got really confused there :)

After a while, I realised that I'd follow her to the end of the Earth and back again, perhaps further if we really had to, but then I'd need a sandwich break in there somewhere.

Again, this line is so very sweet ^-^ It shows their friendship was ready to withstand anything. And that Jason really loves sandwiches :) and that he knows AJ would fit that in somewhere for him, and again it’s really quite sweet :) You’re putting across their friendship really well, by using little metaphors like that. It’s cute :cute:

We were a terrible twosome, a dynamic duo that consisted of 3 parts AJ and 1 part Jason, shaken not stirred and served with heavy doses of wit (or insolence as teachers liked to call it).

Like all those cliché’s in here, I think they work really well in this case.

She was standing at the edge of the quay, you know, the one in Salford, not too far away from The Lowry

Personal reference there, as if Jason is telling the story. It’s really effective ^-^ Could do with a question mark at the end of that to emphasise that, maybe? I really felt a question mark should be there, call me picky :)

She grabbed hold of my hand during the bit where the Queen has sex with the donkey headed-guy. Her eyes never left the stage, of course, but mine were looking at her for most of it. She was getting quite the tan, rather like me, but AJ was always pale.

Perhaps you could elaborate on her looks, things Jason notices about her when he’s looking at her. So we know more about AJ as a character?

Now for some more constructive criticism! To be honest, I don’t really have much criticism to say about this but, one thing would be longer chapters perhaps?

And I never found about Jason’s mother dressing him up as a girl, now ignore this if you actually wanted to confuse the reader, but I think you could have explained or elaborated on that more, why does his mother do these things?

Hope that was ok for you, I loved reading this :) I’m gonna subscribe because I think it’s rather sweet :tehe: you’ve officially turned me to original fictions :)
xxx

Your story is really fantastic so far. When I read it I feel as though he is sitting in front of me talking to me. You've gone over a lot so far in just a few short chapters but that's actually not a bad thing, its flow seems perfect.
It reminds me a lot of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is my favorite book. I'm looking forward to the next chapter :)

Story review game.
I'll be reviewing this as I read your chapters.

First off I really like your layout, it's simple but very effective and it doesn't distract from the text. Your summary is great too, I like you how've made an effort with it and it really draws the reader in, I'm already curious about exactly who AJ is

one

I totally adore your opening line, it couldn't get any better. It's a great way of grabbing a reader's attention, it's funny and yet slightly weird all at once. What I especially love is the fact that you're writing from a male perspective. Not many writers can pull that off successfully but I think you can.

I really like how you're already showing the friendship between Jason and AJ, you can tell that AJ is a really special person for Jason and you show that beautifully in the paragraph where Jason talks about the way she wears her odd socks. That attention to detail is really telling.

You've hinted at a lot of things in this first chapter such as Jason's mum and how she dressed him up in pink all the time, as well as what everyone else had to say about AJ. I think that it's going to be amazing to see what you're going to make out of this, and I think for a first chapter you've really set yourself up well.

You have a lovely narrating style, and I already like the character of Jason. He's not overly cocky and yet he's confidant, but you can tell that he's not like the other boys.

two

I really like your narrating style I know I said that above, but in this chapter it really shows. Everything is a bit like a fairy tale and you write in a lovely nostalgic tone, and it works out really well especially when you mention 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. That fits really well with what you're writing.

I like the way you write out AJ's character, she's so carefree and caught up in her dream world you almost wish you could meet her.

I'm really intriedged by the whole of the end part of this chapter. In a way it's nice to see that AJ keeps Jason from sticking to the plan. Maybe that's what makes them such opposites, she's willing to take a risk.

I also love the idea of just choosing a train and getting on it, you've really captured the escapism well with all the idea of their dislike towards their own families.

I think you've done really well with these two chapters and I'm going to keep checking back on this story because I'm totally intrigued right now. Well done!

I never thought I'd ever forget a thing about her.

First I like how even though they're portrayed as the best of friends, they're not perfect-- not like those on TV or in flicklits where the best friends are so inseparable and connected. What happens here is that you don't really need to remember absolutely everything, as if for an exam, to care for someone immensely.

Her arms were stretched out wide, but there wasn't any wind.

She reminds me of an unconventional character like in my story 'Blowing Bubbles.' The strange girls with their strange unseen beauty.

AJ emptied her lungs.

Very creative way of saying 'she screamed' xD

A Midsummer Night's Dream.

They really already feel like characters in a published novel or movie. I'm serious. It's so weird xD I got this feeling right off the bat about this story.

my head wasn't exactly in the same place... The right place...

I love how it's not just Jason's story, it's AJ's too, through his eyes. Like two birds with one stone.

She had her fingers in my hair, twisting it around her fingers and I knew I'd never felt so alive.

He never mentions he loves her, and yet its so evident. Veyr brilliant use of show, don't tell. You're like a little bestseller hiding all these years xD

How different would things be if I'd stuck to the plan and taken her home?

It doesn't try too hard to be suspenseful, but just the right kind of cliffhanger. It's a wondering, foreshadowing sentence, and I wanna read more.

I can't say much about the individual lines or metaphors, which is kind of why my review are usually always long. It's just... you don't use impacting lines or really crazy description and imagery, but it just flows naturally, as if its alive--the story I mean. There's just a realisticness about this story I've never seen before. I actually wanna already get to the part mentioned in your snippet. Your writing really shines there.

My newest fave story on Mibba, as I sad ;)

Okay I'm actually too lazy to make a proper review with all the praising the nice parts and the outburst of quoting :XD

But started reading this because of the snippet you've been posting everywhere.
I was honestly amazed at the style, the simplicity of it, and the implications of its plot.

This could really be a novel-- I can already see it published.
It's a story with that 'novel' feel. I'm serious :XD

There aren't really that many quotable lines, since it's written really plainly, but it works as a whole. It's like you're more of a storyteller than a writer. You seem to put less effort in the wording or the imagery and just let the narration do the work, and you pull it off really well, if you understand what I mean.

My new favorite story on Mibba

I'm subscribing now.
I adore this, it's brilliant.

And I know it was the ending line, but..

Really, she was the one person in existence who got me.

was just...
Beautifulll.

I just subscribed to this.
A proper review coming soon.
I love it.

Reviewing as I go along.

The Summery

I like the summery, it’s simple and effective. The lines that get me the most are the last ones in it:

That was the last time I saw AJ.

Smiling brighter than the Sun.

They’re just touching and really give you a certain feel to how the story might turn out. Time to click on the actural story…

The Story

My name is Jason, and I wear girls' undergarments.

That line just made me burst into a fit of giggles – that has to be the most amazing way of captivating an audience…

Me, I knew AJ better than the rest of the world put together. Like how she would always wear odd socks, unless it was a Tuesday or, the socks were red, because red socks were antisocial and would act snooty around socks that weren't red... Although, they didn't seem to mind that time we'd tossed our socks in a heap in her living room so that we could feel the new carpet between our toes: my socks were yellow that day.

That small paragraph made me smile wide. Already, we (the readers) know that he thinks very highly of AJ and knows her just as well as she knows him. AJ does sound very obsessive compulsive which scares me a little, I shall now read on…

After a while, I realised that I'd follow her to the end of the Earth and back again, perhaps further if we really had to, but then I'd need a sandwich break in there somewhere.

It’s almost as if this boy is telling us abut AJ in a day dream which I have to admit I love. He’s not talking to us, he’s talking to himself or someone who he’d rather pretend isn’t their. The emotion that comes from just those lines is beautiful and as I read this, I can’t help but wear a wide stretched smile.

Her parents said she had problems.

The teachers said she was disturbed.

Her nanny said she was crazy.

The priest swore blind she was possessed.

Really, she was the one person in existence who got me.

Very effective closing lines – they leave me wanting so much more.

--

Amazing story, honestly it is but I feel that you could have put a lot more into it and made it some what longer. I would have loved to know more about the narrator and more about why everyone thought AJ was disturbed, crazy and possessed.

I couldn’t find one grammar error which astounded me – even the best authors usually make one or two mistakes. I liked the structure of this and the simplicity of how you wrote it. I’ve enjoyed reading and reviewing this, thank you. :cute:

I completely agree with what's writted above ^ - ^
Your story is GRAND and GOLDEN :D

The characters are very endearing =P

I can't wait to read more

I think your story is simply brilliant, dear (:
I love it.
You have an amazing ability to write and it makes me happy to be the first to comment it ((:
keep writing!
I can't wait for the next chapter :D