July 16th, 2007 at 07:00am
Here's the review I promised!
Paragraph 6: Their music was hard to describe,
You might want to replace the comma with a period, as it gives the sentence more fluency.
Same thing in paragraph 14: His skill was obviously not appreciated in this vicinity,
Paragraph 7; line 1: Let's see if you can find the mistake, it's pretty out there.
There were other mistakes dealing with abused commas and forgotten commas. Other than that, the punctuation was good, spelling -fair, and descriptions more than alright.
"Erm...Jack Daniels please?" He replied, too wrapped up in himself to acknowledge the person talking to him.
I liked how you used the girl to show John's displeasure. Usually, in a situation like this, the author would just make him demand a drink from the bartender. A good slice of originality showed when you allowed the girl to take the un-traditional role and buy him the drink.
Overall, it was pretty interesting and I look forward to more whenever you get the chance.
Oh, one last thing - Is this an original fiction?
its great!!!
keep writing!!!
*subscribes becaue im cool like that*