For Never - Comments

Story/Review Game

Okay, I just read it and I'm very sad now. Because you conveyed emotion extremely well and allowed me to relate to the characters' pain and get into the story.

They both knew. From the moment they met, it was so obvious. Billie shook Tre’s hand. Tre held the gesture for just a fraction of a second longer than was platonic. And they felt it, the unexplainable electricity that shot through their bodies. Science would have ground it down to a nerve impulse. Oh it was some kind of impulse all right. It was really something, though neither knew exactly what. They’d find out soon enough.

^ Okay, this entire paragraph I just love, especially for just a fraction of a second longer than was platonic. I'm not entirely sure why, but it adds flavor to your writing.

Meeting Tre, seeing Tre, spending time with Tre all made him happy and sad at the same time. Was that even possible? Oh yes, and it was painful.

^ It was when I read this that I began to feel sorry for Billie. Which is good, because you pulled me in very early on.

Though Mike forced these sugar-coated truths into his subconscious, he knew that Billie cried at night and somewhere in his brain, he knew why. he held on to his ignorant bliss until there was no other reality. Somehow, it became second nature for Mike to ignore Billie’s pain, cloaked but still there, underneath and alive.

^ This is a nice sentence to add in because it tells the reader a lot about Mike that he/she might have been wondering beforehand. Also, the second sentence needs to be capitalized.

“Ok,” was all Tre could think of. And he spent the rest of that day on that same sofa, staring at the spot where Billie had sat.

^ Man. Poor Tre. With this you convey just how much Tre cares for Billie, and how shaken up he is about not being able to be with him. It's one of my favorite parts of the first chapter.

That certainty never came.

^ What a great way to end the chapter. Short, sweet, yet just as powerful as a longer sentence would've been.

Tre was quiet. For a very long time, neither of them said anything. Billie knew what he wanted to say, but his brain was having trouble processing it.

Then, Tre spoke. “I love Mike too!” he declared.

Billie, caught off guard, simply stared at him. He found that he liked it, staring at Tre, simply looking at Tre.

“He’s like the best brother I ever had!” Tre continued, becoming progressively louder and more obnoxious. And for some reason, Billie Joe burst out into a fit of giggles. “Is something funny, Armstrong?”

Billie shook his head, still laughing.

“I love Mike!!” Tre stood up and smashed an empty bottle against a wall. “Oops. But I still love Mike!”

^ That whole scene made me giggle. :tehe: And I like how you turned it from slightly innocent to serious in an instant in the next sentence.

What they had at this moment, this kiss, it wasn’t electric – it was magnetic, it was inevitable.

^ Magnetic; Inevitable. What a beautiful way to describe their relationship.

He had looked at her initially, but now, Billie’s gaze was fixed on Tre. Sisters were boring. And annoying.

^ How he looked at Tre instead made me wanna "Aww!" :tehe:

Billie, still inebriated, looked at his empty wrist and said “Maybe.”

“Other wrist,” Tre sniggered as an indignant Annie led the two home, screeching and preaching all the while.

^ :lmfao I love drunk Billie. :tehe:

Tre woke up even later, just as hung over as Billie, but a blanket of serenity had settled over him. There wouldn’t be any more anguished days or hopelessly clichéd sleepless and frustrated nights. He wouldn’t have to see Billie in pain anymore, he thought, because in the afterglow of the kiss, he had forgotten about Mike.

^ It's really sad how you made Tre so oblivious to the pain he was going to feel once he went and saw Billie and Mike.

Billie Joe’s was a lined, spiral-bound red notebook.

^ Once again you use a simple, short sentence to emphasize your point. It adds for a bit of flair, because your sentence lengths are all different which makes it much more enjoyable to read. :cute:

He wrote his soul into that notebook.

^ Amazing metaphor right there.

Tre stared at it. “And this is…?”

Billie didn’t know how to answer that. “Just read it.” Their tones were polite and flat. Dead.

^ Great way to express the awkwardness that settled after their kiss. I like your adjective usage, it's crazily descriptive.

His blue eyes, the ones that surprised him the day they met. His rough hands and the memory of them against Billie’s cheeks. His hair, green with its natural brown peeking out from the roots. His lips, now closed in thought. Billie found that he missed Tre more than he ever let himself realize, and even though this hyper, insane, fascinating boy destroyed his life just by existing, he forgave him.

^ The first few sentences are fragments, but -- if I'm not mistaken -- that was done on purpose for emphasis, which was achieved. It also hints to your style of writing, which helps distinguish your work from someone else's.

"So, you…” was all Tre could manage. And despite Billie Joe’s patience, the sound was so sudden that it startled him.

He found his words in time. “I, uh…yeah. Yes, Tre. I do.” It wasn’t particularly eloquent, but the time for eloquence had probably passed. Billie wasn’t even completely sure it was ever there.

^ I love that you didn't have them just come out and say what they were thinking. It's slightly vague, which helps show just how strong their bond is, that they can almost guess what each other is thinking. As for the part on eloquence, that was brilliant. Just... everything about that statement screamed "Advanced Writer Here!" :tehe: I really can't explain how, but it was delightful to read.

The face that Billie saw was hardened, somewhere between anger and disbelief. Tre seemed flat and dry, completely devoid of anything as he dropped the notebook to the floor. “Yeah. Whatever.”

^ What a heartbreaking ending. I feel for Billie, Tre, and Mike and that made the ending so much more sad. I almost wish there was a continuation, because that last utterance was somewhat of a cliffhanger. But to add on would take away from its strength, so I guess not. :roll:

Overall, this was an insanely good piece of writing. I'm not a huge fan of Green Day or slash, but you might just have turned me into one. :cute:
You have a great talent and I wholeheartedly think you should continue to do it.
Because not doing so would cost the world a precious gift.

I'm such a noob. I just realised the summary rhymed. :XD

Anyway, I loved the ending. Because it just wouldn't have worked any other way. Even if it was incredibly sad and made me want to eat lots of chocolate. (:tehe:)

:arms:

For one night, they were either unaware of reality or just pretended to be.
I really like this line. It reminds me of, well, fairytales, for some reason. Kind of like being transported to another world, I suppose. (Sorry, I've been awake too long and my brain isn't functioning :tehe:)

Mike was sitting up against the wall and Billie was lying back in his arms, playing random notes and silly tunes.
Aw, that's so adorable.

Tre was at the door, confused and the look that he exchanged with Billie was all he needed. It was forbidding. It was apologetic. It was desperately begging him to stay silent. So he did.
:cheese: Wonderful ending to the chapter. And it's so saddddd. The whole thing is just breaking my heart. In a wonderful way ;)

i think it would have been better if mike was in the picture since early on in the oneshot. because there was this whole exchange with billie and tre and we didn't even know there was a mike in the picture. and other than the impulse--there must have been something else that changed them and ruined them so much. i think we need more elaboration, more description than that.

and maybe a little more description of the boys? i know they're green day members, but i didn't get a very clear sense of what they are in the story. it seemed a bit two-dimensional. tre was a girl chaser, mike owned billie, billie is torn and confused. it didn't tell me much more than that--who they were, actually, as people, outside of this little mess they got themselves into. i want to know them even out of this love triangle, and i didn't see that. i didn't see if they were arrogant or shy or if they liked horror movies more than action flicks. there wasn't much character building or development in the course of this oneshot, though there was more than one heated discussion.

and there just a tad more "tell" than "show." in a story where emotions are a driving force and severely important, it would be more effective to portray the emotions than simply state them. you can figure out which parts do that.

and i didn't get elaboration, really, why billie and tre wanted each other so much. just that they grew closer, and that was that. no depiction of what love between them could be like. no movie dates or awkward dinners--more video games and secret smiles or just that kind of stuff that shows us more about them, and makes them more relatable. more like characters to care about, rather than just read of.

the ending was alright, i suppose it can make the reader wait for the next chapter. but yeah. just one bit of advice throughout; show, don't tell ;)

[haha, adam lambert's if i can't have you came on halfway through this]

Aw, I love it.
Your writing flows so well. :cute:

^ I concur with budgie. That bit is really touching, too.

:cheese: I love this! it's really easy to read, and it's well written. And on the note of your author's note (heh.) I wouldn't change anything, I like how it is. :cute:

But he could not tell Michael about Tre, that he and Tre shared something silent but unbreakable that Mike could never offer. He couldn’t hurt Michael. He couldn’t and didn’t want to let go of the rock which had been present for as long as he could remember. Because the truth was, for every ounce of passion he felt for Tre, he loved Mike just as much. Billie even admitted to himself that had Tre not entered their lives, he wouldn’t even realize something was missing.

Ths was my favourite bit. the whole things is just...indescribeably sad. The way Billie loves both of them. It's really quite heartbreaking. And now I really want to know what happens :XD