Dime a Dozen - Comments

I love the reality of this.
most stories you read about homeless people are so incredibly inaccurate and unreal that it just annoys me to no end, and while this is quite the incredibly lucky homeless man, it's understandable that he has the treasures he does after seven years. I think that your writing style is very nice, but you use commas and other punctuation marks far too much. it kind of...puts a small dent in the story a bit. commas usually separate a sentence or place a pause in a sentence. I wouldn't, put a comma, there. <---- that'd be incorrect.
but that's really the only problem I see!
at first when you were like "100 on clothes, 100 on a mattress..." I was like no, this writer can't be serious! but then greed and reality was brought into the story and I was like "yeahhh, I get it now!"
the only thing I would suggest you consider adding is some way that he knows what day it is. after all, I would lose track of days after seven years. maybe he has an old calendar or he makes tally marks or something, but nonetheless there's got to be some way that he has to figure out what the days are.
also, in gyms or hospital bathrooms they do have showers, so maybe that can be an ideal place for a shower in the future? I don't know, just a suggestion.
but i think this is very realistic and I do love it so far!
I'm also very curious to see how he became homeless, considering he's so young.
but also, you say he could be a sophomore but usually sophomores are 15-16 years old. you brought back a happy memory of him when he was 8...8+7=15? so he'd have to of become homeless soon after that.
either it doesn't quite make sense or it'll all play out and make sense in chapters to come, I'll just have to wait and see :)

oh my good golly gosh!
I always remember this story eventually, don't worry.
but oh my god, yo. he just got ass raped D: D:

Dude, he got raped by some drunk guy??
I wish Gabriel would come to save him too...

Wow I'm such a bad person because I never keep up with any story and their subscriptions whatsoever but I decided to check it today and yeah.
This was awesome, as expected. I really love this story and it kind of prompted me to write my own boy-in-a-tree story. Mhm.

Once again, this is one hell of a story. I absolutely love it. You write brilliantly and I just love the character you've portrayed him to be.

I can't wait to see what happens. I love the fact that he lives in a treehouse, that's pretty cool, despite the fact that I would much rather live in a house. XD

I like the "dancing to metal, falling asleep to Beethoven and Mozart". That was somehow extremely enjoyable to read.

Well done on another brilliant chapter! .

I love this story so far, its great!

Story Review:

The title for this story is very fitting. I'm sure you already know this, since you chose it in the first place and all, but I enjoyed the correlation nevertheless.

Really, I was wary of the premise of this story, because even before I read it I felt that it reeked of a well-known cliché. Especially in the Harry Potter fandom, which I frequented years ago, there was a lot of fiction being written about main characters being homeless. I rarely stumble upon a story in which homelessness if portrayed both tactfully, and realistically - a lot of people seem to think it's somehow easy to live on the streets; that it's just hanging out and begging for money, and trying not to freeze to death in the winter. It's more complicated than though, though, especially for a minor (escaping the clutches of suspicious cops, and Social Services, etc, because people are going to notice, 'Hey, there's a minor begging for change on the streets...), and I'd like to see you try to explore more with your main character's situation, in future chapters.

I really liked the beginning paragraph for the first chapter, though. Such odd little details; not important to the story itself, but important to the narrator - where the mug came from, the lumps in the surface, the little crack that was there because 'the kiln was too hot and it dried it out too fast.' That was nice, and some things that I think a lot of writers might overlook and not mention at all. I love little details like that.

I think you might have gone into detail a little too much, when describing the clothing he changed into and what clothing he owned, when he got back to the tree house. Even if you're not naming labels and such, it's still a little much to name every article of clothing, and say when and where he got it. We understand that he's homeless, and we won't forget that detail even if you don't constantly remind us of it. Since we know he's homeless, in our minds we're just going to automatically assume most of his clothing is a little ratty, and not really top-of-the-line. No in-depth clothing descriptions needed! :)

Your grammar and spelling is pretty much dead-on, though; I don't think I really noticed any errors, or at least none stuck out at me, so good job on that.

Overall, a nice little story you've got here. I'm intrigued, and am interested to see where you're going to take it.

Wow, I feel like an idiot. I thought I subscribed to this, and when I didn't see it for a while I'm "IT'S BEEN DELETED!!!"
And then I saw it and I'm like "Oh... Nevermind then..."

Anyways, looove it. You're really good at describing even the littlest things, just in case you haven't already got that from the other comments :D
And I'll be sure to subscribe this time around.

Story Review Game

There was no sound quite as beautiful as a quarter being dropped into my bank, as I lovingly called it.

I like this. I like this a lot. This is a really sweet way to start. It made me smile. I also like all of the detail about the mug, and all of its imperfections.

If you have ever been starving – which you haven’t – anything edible smells amazing.

This really speaks to me. I think it explains exactly how tortured he is by Thanksgiving, and how unaware the people are that they’re causing him to feel like that.

“Shu-wer, mister. Do you want more?”

That’s really sweet. I love the way he says “sure”. It’s brilliant, it shows how naïve he is.

… all while grabbing some hand sanitizer. She squeezed it on her hands, grabbing Gabriel’s hand in between and dragged him out of the alley.

Pretty sure that should be all the while. That woman peeves me. There’s nothing wrong with this guy. :grr:. –kills woman-

I looked down, and in my little clay mug, there were seven one-hundred dollar bills.

-dies- Gabriel, you sneakthief! That was such a good sentence. :brightside:.

I did cry, after all; like a baby as I jogged down the street. I didn’t care who saw me, as I got my fair dose of humiliation every day while begging for money.

I won’t lie, I smiled at that. I can imagine him clearly running down the street, bawling his eyes out. This just proves how talented you are; you can make me imagine the simplest things, like the mug and his tears and Gabriel and his mother.

I peaked inside the window

“Peaked” should be “peeked”. :cute:.

(I’m not in jail for indecent exposure, am I?)

I laughed at that. That’s a sign of a good author: being able to put in humorous, funny parts, while retaining the mood of the story, which is exactly what you’ve done.

--

This old woman is great. I love her.

“Son,” she continued, scrubbing with the damn brush so hard I thought my fingernails were going to come off. “You need to learn how to keep your hands clean. The rest of you doesn’t matter. This world doesn’t matter.”

“Even though the rest of you is what they’ll see first, your hands are what they’re gunna’ shake, and they have to be clean to shake, don’t they? And you gotta’ make sure your heart is as clean as your hands,” she dropped my right and grabbed my left. “Because you never know who’ll make it inside.

“Oh, you know, that I know, that Lord knows these times are tuff’, but you have to be true to yourself. Oh – that’s my stop.”

She’s brilliant. I really like the way you’ve portrayed her. She has so much character.

Holy crap, ten fifty-two for a cinnamon roll and coffee?! Wow. :twitch:.

The cinnamon roll was gone in no time, and it was a wonder that I remembered what it tasted like after eating it so fast.

That was some good writing. I liked that. I imagined him just shoving it down his throat all in one. :tehe:.

Clothed in fine looking shirts and denim jeans, and they all looked…attractive, surreal, even.

Ooh. Nice people. :weird. Moar!

Probably not very subtly, either.

Gah, here was me imagining a hobo hiding behind a newspaper, stealing glances every now and then. I liked that version too, though.

He was a pale cream, like me, with a thin body and small, girly features. Soft, auburn hair hung in his face, and every now and then he would reach a slender hand up to push it out of his eyes. His clothing was light in color, a soft egg white, and faded denim that clung to his legs. His jeans looked like a women’s cut, too. Like everyone else, he was wearing a zip-up sweatshirt, but also had a light pink wind blazer. He hung it on his chair.

Oooooooooooooooooh. He sounds wonderful. Guess it just matches your brilliant talent, that he’s brilliant too. :brightside:.

I paid her anyway. I deemed the clothes worth the money, even though I was crying in my mind for spending so much and I ruining my original plans.

At least he’ll look good. But I like that sentence, and I don’t know why. It’s just brilliant, somehow.

OK, so I really like this story, and the way you write is excellent. I’m subscribing.

This is going to be really good, I can tell. Please keep writing.

.

Please.

Second Chapter:
I found a grammar mistake: She grabbed one of my hands, opening her purse and taking about a.. It should be taking out. :cute:
In responce to the old woman: It's always strangers that have the biggest impact on you.
I SENSE BOY LOVING IN TEH FUTURE. :twitch:
Another grammar mistake: but their fleece inside should be they're fleece inside.
Holy shiznit. That is why I don't shop at Gap.
HIS NAME IS KESLER. THAT WAS MY WOODSHOP TEACHER'S NAME IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. I LOVE HIM.

Sorry for all the random comments. I write as I read :cute:
I really really like this and you seriously need to continue. It kind of reminds me of Catcher in the Rye, which means I'm subscribing. :crazy:

First Chapter:
I loved how you described the cup, as it is his only posession. That part had very good imagery.
I want to give that little kid a hug. Little kids are so naive yet so sympathetic to all people :,)
He's very resourceful for having so little.
I'm eager to know how he got to be on the streets though.

Yes, continue. It's very good, and nothing like anything I've ever read on here. :mrgreen: