June 24th, 2009 at 02:20am
STORY/REVIEW
I'm commenting this as I go... just for the record.
The first thing I noticed about the beginning paragraph was that I got somewhat of an image when I read it. I have a feeling that Ryan is the narrarator, so I already know what he looks like. At the same time, however, I really wish that you would have described his appearance and the setting with a little more detail. Not too much so that it's almost overbearing, but just a little so that the reader can get a clearer image of his surroundings. All I got was a slightly dirty bathroom.
The flashback gave me a pretty clear insight into Ryan's past, which was good. Again, I thinnk it's lacking description. Maybe describing his father a little more? The words the father says gave me a snippit of his personality, so I was able to gather a small bit of the way he was but at the same time if you had written a small paragraph about what his father had done in the past... something describing why he was that way it would have been a little better.
"Your boss accepted you, didn't he?" I retorted, crossing my arms and glaring at him. This is what made me want you to describe his father's past. You might have done it later ( i wouldn't know because I haven't gotten there yet), but maybe you could have added some more foreshadowing? You had some there, but the only other part that made me think about this line harder was the father's brow furrowing. It made me want to know a little bit more then and there.
The paragraph after the flashback seems lonely. It almost looks out of place. maybe you could have gone back to the bathroom where you started off from in the beginning. I just wish you had added something so the flashback didn't seem so abbrupt. I almost feel as if the paragraph doesn't need to be there at all.
Who was beating him up? I really wanted to know. That part was better than the rest, I think. It really helped me get to know Ryan's character a little bit more which was nice. The line I really liked was this one: They call it talent, my dad calls it luck. I thought it was nice standing alone like that. It was a nice end to the flashback.
The door to the bathroom opened and Brendon Urie stepped inside. The last name doesn't really need to be there. Since the story is told from Ryan's point of view, I don't think he would refer to Brendon as Bredon Urie in his mind. It just seems really formal. It might have worked if it was in third person, maybe, or a fan's point of view. It just seems awkward in Ryan's.
I don't mean this in a mean way, but I didn't like the ending to the next flashback. It just felt infinished and I almost lost track of who was saying what. That particular section wasn't my favorite.
The next few parts were alright. The part where Brendon asked Ryan to do his make-up was cute, but the flashback that followed came out of nowhere. It would have worked better if you had led up to it in a different way.
The flashback itself could have used more description. I know I keep getting at that, but I really feel that this would be so much more effective if you added some. Describing the father's face a bit more and Ryan's feelings at the time... it would add some more emotion. The dialogue alone creates some kind of a feeling but the raw description would make it more effective.
I like the way the words of encouragement and discouragement meshed together near the end. The ending itself was nice as well.
Overall I thought this was okay. It has a lot of potential. (the fire in the background didn't make much sense to me, though. Unless it was the fire.. as in his drive that continued to push him towards his dream?)
Gasp!
I loved it, though.
I realize it's fictional, but it's so realistic!
I can just picture Ryan saying this for real.
I loved the part about Spencer crying for his Halloween costume Brent ruined, and Brendon having four cans of redbull.
You somehow managed to make this both real and endearing, which is quite a feat.
Wonderful job. :)