Devotion - Comments

OH LOOK, CONGRATS! YOU GOTS FOURTH! :arms
I remember first reading this, and loving it, and then I wrote in my notebook – which is where I wrote down all the entries so I could decide the winners – that this was ‘DEFINITELY A CONTENDER, OMG OMG.’ For real. I just, fell in love with a bit of the layout and then the pure awesomeness of it all

I loved the start, with the way you made it feel like a routine.
Another Friday night and we meet at the station opposite my workplace like we always do. We no longer have to plan these meetings. Both of us know the other will turn up at half past seven, know that one can’t break away from the other no matter how hard he tries. Which, admittedly, isn’t very hard at all. I never once wanted to be away from him and I know that parting from me was the last thing on his mind. I especially loved how unique it was. It wasn’t summarized, you weren’t like “every week we meet at half 7.” It was a lot more than that. It was like… I dunno, it just felt like it was more than what it could be seen as :/ I’m not making any sense.

I really love how it wasn’t a typical sex thing because the lust and urgency disappearing as quickly as it came. I love how you didn’t just make it about sex and there were obviously feelings involved. And you gave an insight to the characters as well and their back stories. I loved it

“Why do you look so sad?” I ask, noticing that his eyes are devoid of the light that once filled them, the glow of joy now completely missing from them. My stomach turns unpleasantly. I used to make him happy. I know I did.
I really loved that, and the part at the end ‘I know I did’ was really touching, I love the way the narrator talks, it’s very personal and vulnerable.

I love how the dialogue was very smooth, y’know? Believable, it was sort of like… Well, in some stories the dialogue is stupid, and the author makes the characters… ‘random’. I love how the characters seem like adults and can have a comprehendible conversation. Aaaaand the whole thing is like awwwwwwwwh <3

“Miyavi,” I purr softly, tilting his head slightly so my lips can skate across the warm skin of his throat, kissing him tenderly. His eyes close automatically, his fingers wandering absent-mindedly to my face, pushing the damp black hair out of the way to find contact with my skin. His touch lingers long after he realises that he’s meant to be upset with me, unable to move his hand away even after he finally opens his eyes and meets my gaze. I smile up at him, holding his half naked body close to mine. “You always knew I loved you. I’m going nowhere.” I love this part a lot, especially the ‘skate’ part. It was very sensual and very :yah worthy :tehe:

One of my favourite things was how it was cyclical and started on a sentence with ‘Friday night’ and ended on ‘Friday night’. I’ve never been clever enough to do that but this really worked, and I loved the last line. How it was sort of run-on (I love run-ons) but wasn’t so run-on that it annoyed me – y’know? It made sense, and stuff which I liked. And all the actions, were rather fluffy, I just loved how it seemed like a really prominent beautiful moment in these characters lives and you’d captured it amazingly well. Just, all the words and stuff… I’m astounded

Very well done and keep writing exactly like this, I’d love to be able to write this well :arms:

Oh, I forgot, another thing I like is that you made me adore this, even though I have no idea who the people are – no offence but it’s not exactly a secret that I really don’t know much about Dir en Grey :shifty that is who it’s about isn’t it? If not… embarrassing :XD
But yeah, I feel connected even though I don’t know them. In away, you made them your own characters, it was almost like an OF… but a not, and better because you were obviously more passionate about it… that’s what I see in a lot of OF. The characters are sort of… less passionate, but since this was FF you made the characters all…

I dunno, sorry this is such a shit review… bye! :XD

Another Friday night and we meet at the station opposite my workplace like we always do. We no longer have to plan these meetings. Both of us know the other will turn up at half past seven, know that one can’t break away from the other no matter how hard he tries. -- Wow, these opening lines sucked me in straight away, I loved it. Opening lines are sometimes a struggle to make catchy enough without making the rest of the peice look shoddy, but this was perfect :)

I know that parting from me was the last thing on his mind. -- This bit makes him sound a bit cocky, which is good. Well written, makes him sound confident, but not in a bad way, like he's sure the love is true :cute:

we find shelter in his living room, his bedroom, his bed – crashing down on the mattress, clothes strewn on the floor. -- Loved this bit. Boy-secks? :tehe:

“Why do you look so sad?” I ask, noticing that his eyes are devoid of the light that once filled them, the glow of joy now completely missing from them. -- Wow, your descriptions are very well worded, this bit was very sad, it made me feel, which is always good.

I used to make him happy. I know I did. -- Once again this line makes me think 'Awww, he's so sure of his love' yet at the same time there's underlying doubt. or is that just me? :P Oh well, good anyway.

“When you leave tomorrow, can you at least say goodbye?” -- I'm not sure why, but this bit of speech was honestly, so sad and sweet, it made me want to cry. It seemed subtle with desperation, and the description beforehand, just whoa.

“I chose you,” -- I really liked this line, but for some reason it made me think of Pokemon, the bit where who goes 'Pikachu, I Choose You!" Gave me the giggles, but it was very sweet :tehe:

“Miyavi,” I purr softly, tilting his head slightly so my lips can skate across the warm skin of his throat, kissing him tenderly. His eyes close automatically, his fingers wandering absent-mindedly to my face, pushing the damp black hair out of the way to find contact with my skin. -- The imagery was really good here, sad yet happy at the same time, these lines were good, yet with a hint of something else there too. :)

“You always knew I loved you. I’m going nowhere.” -- Such a sweet bit, this whole peice was very well-written, sweet and sad at the same time. These lines, which may be cheesy, are delivered perfectly. Kudos.

I loved the ending, it was very powerful and made it happy and I love happy endings. The only thing I could suggest changing was in the last line, the longest Friday night of my life. The way it's written, makes it sound like it may be bad. Because when you're not enjoying yourself, time goes longer, right? Might just be me, but I thought maybe that could be worded a bit better. Either way, I loved this, well done :D

Well, what can I say apart from awwwwwwwww!

:tehe:

I reread over Taion, just to recap on what had gone on before this, and I'm glad I did. It's nice to see how linked the two drabbles are, and it's like they're one big story, in a way. You linked the two together very well, so well done for that. :arms:

The starting was great, and the two of them are just set in this routine. we meet at the station opposite my workplace like we always do. They both expect the other to be there, it's like an unwritten law between the pair of them. They need this time together and it's like they're tuned into one another, never really wanting to be apart but knowing that they have to deal with that fact.

I really loved this. I smile at him from across the road, seeing him wave from underneath his umbrella. I don't know what it is about this sentence, but it makes me feel all happy and smushy inside. :tehe: Like, Miyavi's waiting underneath his umbrella so it must be pouring outside, and Die can still find the time to smile, even though it's pouring with rain and he's probably getting absolutely soaked. It's really sweet.

Die is completely in tune with Miyavi. noticing that his eyes are devoid of the light that once filled them He knows when Miyavi isn't happy and he won't stop until he works out what is wrong. It's quite cute that he notices this, because he must be able to read Miyavi's face like a book.

He seems embarrassed, as if he wants to say something that would cause me to mock him. Aww, that wants to make me run up and hug him :tehe: Seriously, it's sad that he feels that way, he's embarrassed to let Die know his true feelings, it's like he's scared of letting everything out and he doesn't want Die to know, in case Die says something against him.

Die's reassurance was sweet. I’m not going anywhere,” I reassure him. It makes me believe that everything is going to be okay, and I love the fact that these four simple words will make everything okay, and the light will fill Miyavi's eyes once more.

The ending was absolutely perfect. I kiss his hair, rubbing my cheek against his multi-coloured tresses, inhaling his scent, suddenly ready for the longest Friday night of my life. It was a great way to round it all off, it's all fluffy and cute. :tehe: I like that they've now got forever, rather than just snatched Friday nights. The ending made me feel happy, like everything was resolved.

Loved it. :arms:

aww beckky so i actually read this before, and the other one, but was too lazy to comment :XD forgive the total informality of this comment, probably its unhelpfulness, because the way i review is a manifestation of how a story left me feeling and i iz becumz mush :XD

i wont quote, just say parts i liked, so you won't think i'm just trying to make it longer :XD

i love how you started it right of the bat, no pretenses, as nonchalantly as possible. they are so used to each other it's almost like mind reading--they have a time, date, and place without even discussing it now. it's a hint that they're the ones who actually belong together, that they shouldn't even be doing this kind of secrecy because they're the ones who are right. and you told all of us this just by describing the circumstances of their meetings.

i love the imagery you kind of shatter into in the second part. any hint of pretend that was still covered up by the first paragraph was totally destroyed by the second--kind of like how easily they shattered into each other's arms, and how even that lust-ridden mood was shattered by the silence that would have crept up on them one of these days.

evoid of the light that once filled them, the glow of joy now completely missing from them. i'm not fond of the repitition of 'them', you can do it away with it in either sentence. aside from that, the dialogue is so PRETTY. like srsly. "why do you look so sad?" i've been reading waaayy too many fma fics these days, so for a moment i imagined it as roy/ed. forgive me :XD i do not intend to steal die and miyavi's moment but i was completely engrossed. the part where he wonders why he can't make him happy anymore makes me wanna :finger: coz now my 5entries are completely NULLIFIED T_T

and ACK! miyaviii!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you doodoohead i do not want to be in love with them, i have my adam and my roy and my ed and my etc. :grr: but i completely love the dialogue. it reminds me of my technique in sons of daedalus; the littlest and vaguest words can mean the most of all.

awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! diiiee!! you romantic sleazabag!!! :XD now he's all "i choose you" as if miyavi was a pokemon :lmfao but srsly, it's very sweet. though i got nitpicky at silently inviting me to explain. coz you used the word silence somewhere there, so you can choose another adverb?

He peers through his fringe, his eyes half hopeful, half desperate, a trace of disbelief evident in his expression. i know i said i wouldnt quote, but becky. srsly. i dont know where this insecurity as a writer comes from. you're BRILLIANT. that sentence flowed a little TOO well. i was halfway expecting to be interrupted by an ill-chosen word, but the narration seems to be perfect and concise with this piece.

“Miyavi,” I purr softly, tilting his head slightly so my lips can skate across the warm skin of his throat, kissing him tenderly. okay, it's a well-constructed sentence, but it's just me i guess who's against the word 'purr' unless they're totally seducing/bantering or 'tenderly' in nearly any context :XD not your fault :XD

suddenly ready for the longest Friday night of my life. a good ending to tie in with the beginning, but maybe trade 'longest' for 'best' or something. 'longest' is like 'the longest school hour is math--i cant wait for it to end' or something. you get meh? :tehe:

all in all, aside from a few nitpicks as succumbs to my nature, that was exquisitely well-written and i enjoyed it very much. specially loved the dialogue, and love die and miyavi, and the banner :XD

:arms: :arms:

Becky, you can write romance/fluff so well, and this fits the fluff contest rules like a glove. I'm sorry I took ages getting round to reviewing after reading it because I got distracted and... yeah. :shifty

I'd also like to point out at this point that I love the banner. :cheese: But I digress.

I liked the start of the oneshot - it's present tense and delving right into the story, which is good. I love it when this happens, as I have a tendency to ramble on for about three paragraphs before I start the damn plot and can't set the scene well otherwise. But you manage to let me into the situation straight away, and the first few lines tell us a little about Die and Miyavi. We no longer have to plan these meetings. This seemed very mysterious and already I know that they can't stay away from one another, whether it be from true love or lust or both I'm keen to find out.

I’m soaking wet but we find shelter in his living room, his bedroom, his bed – crashing down on the mattress, clothes strewn on the floor. Normally I don't like the way that scenes cut to one another without no description of how they got there, but I think it works here because it adds to the urgency of their need to be with one another. It's both fluffy and sexy. ~~

My stomach turns unpleasantly. I used to make him happy. I know I did.I'm such a sucker for a bit of angst and turmoil. :XD This part just shows how much Die cares for Miyavi, and he's scared that he's lost him somehow.

Miyavi seems quite insecure, at least about his relationship with Die. It's like Die thinks he himself is the vulnerable one for possibly losing Miyavi, but actually it's the other way around. “When you leave tomorrow, can you at least say goodbye?” I get th idea that maybe Die has done something wrong in the relationship before - maybe had to leave and did so on a bad note, or maybe the pair split for a brief while? I know you said this is a sequel so I'm guessing all these questions are explained in the prequel, but it's always good to know as a writer what's running through a reader's head when they read - I think so, anyway.

Reading on, it eludes to a previous relationship, and again, I'm guessing that maybe Die had something with a woman before he started seeing Miyavi? Did he cheat on him with her, or her with him? I may have to read the prequel when I get a chance because I really want to know what happens. :cute: I've never read a fic with these characters before but I can identify with them in only 500 words, which is a great accomplishment for a writer to achieve. The characters are likeable, too, and they have distinct personalities.

“Miyavi,” I purr softly, tilting his head slightly so my lips can skate across the warm skin of his throat, kissing him tenderly. I adored this sentence. It was so soft and loving, and the use of the word 'purr' really added to this feeling. You didn't overdescribe this, either, so it didn't lose any of it's magic in your words.

I loved the ending, and the emphasis on Miyavi's hair - which is understandable because it's so damn awesome. :tehe: But in all seriousness, you wrapped up the mood brilliantly and without making it cliche and over the top, which was great.

Well done, Becky. I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this and it definitely deserves to place in the contest. Sorry it's not a long review as there's only so much you can say about 500 words :tehe: but I'm going to read more of your work very soon. You may have even gotten me into a new fandom. :cute:

:arms: