Like the other story I think you really should add spaces to the paragraphs, it was so hard to read, it seemed like everything was running into each other. I couldn't finish the entire chapter, it was making my eyes hurt. The first line is very confusing and repetitive.'I clearly remember the day before I moved to London, in fact I think I might remember that day better than the day I moved, the day I moved went by so fast it was hard for me to capture the details. I remember the day after I moved well not quite as well as the day before I moved, but well enough.' It seems as though you are saying the same thing over and over, try wording it differently and try to substitute the word 'I' anyway possible.Also, just skimming through it I could see the grammar and spelling mistakes mostly with the dialogue. It is something you should really work on. I suggest that you read through your writing several times and / or get a beta reader.
February 4th, 2010 at 04:19pm