I really liked the first paragraph. It was very captivating, in a way, and made me want to keep reading – though there were a couple of spelling errors/typos.
In retrospect, he really was more, as few people were willing to make three a.m. runs to the wrong side of town for a nickel bag, pulling money from their own wallets unquestioningly, when they’d much prefer to sit at home and convince you how little you needed the drugs.
This sentence is really lengthy. I had to read it over to get the gist of it.
he’d heard the wars that waged inside him spit from his mouth in Ryan’s own nonsensical language
Here, because you’re taking about two guys, it gets a bit confusing. Which ‘he’ you’re talking about gets a bit hard to interpret. I think that simply switching “his” and “Ryan”, would make things a bit more clear – because when I first read that line I thought you meant out of Brendon’s mouth. Does that make sense, what I said?
…But Brendon knew, he understood what happened to Ryan when he didn’t have them. He’d seen the masochistic turns that his body would take; he’d heard the wars that waged inside him spit from his mouth in Ryan’s own nonsensical language; he’d felt fear seep through his bones, cold and unforgiving, as the shell of his best friend tore the world apart; he’d tasted, too, that fear, not cold like ice cream, but cold like a tainted needle piercing his tongue; he’d smelled the blood trailing from the bed sheets to wherever Ryan had finally lost consciousness. All five senses in experience gave Brendon all the convincing he needed.
I really liked this paragraph. It’s…unconventional. Most friends would be figuring out a way to get the person they care about to quit the drug, but Brendon enables him. And Brendon’s reasoning is very understandable – understandable in a way that makes the reader sympathetic. It’s good to see a story where the friend is actually an enabler because he simply can’t stand to see his friend going through withdrawal.
The way you ended it was really effective, in my opinion. The repetition and the single line for the ending, it worked perfectly.
There’s not really much to criticize in this piece. The only thing I’d say would be to take another look over it, since there are a few typos/spelling errors.
I think you really captured the relationship between Ryan and Brendon very well, there was just…something missing. I know it was a short piece, a one-shot, but I didn’t get the feeling that I really new either of the characters apart from the relationship (which may have been done on purpose). I also didn’t like that we never know what happened between Brendon and Ryan and why he left…unless I missed something? Did they breakup or did Brendon die?
In retrospect, he really was more, as few people were willing to make three a.m. runs to the wrong side of town for a nickel bag, pulling money from their own wallets unquestioningly, when they’d much prefer to sit at home and convince you how little you needed the drugs.
This sentence is really lengthy. I had to read it over to get the gist of it.
he’d heard the wars that waged inside him spit from his mouth in Ryan’s own nonsensical language
Here, because you’re taking about two guys, it gets a bit confusing. Which ‘he’ you’re talking about gets a bit hard to interpret. I think that simply switching “his” and “Ryan”, would make things a bit more clear – because when I first read that line I thought you meant out of Brendon’s mouth. Does that make sense, what I said?
…But Brendon knew, he understood what happened to Ryan when he didn’t have them. He’d seen the masochistic turns that his body would take; he’d heard the wars that waged inside him spit from his mouth in Ryan’s own nonsensical language; he’d felt fear seep through his bones, cold and unforgiving, as the shell of his best friend tore the world apart; he’d tasted, too, that fear, not cold like ice cream, but cold like a tainted needle piercing his tongue; he’d smelled the blood trailing from the bed sheets to wherever Ryan had finally lost consciousness. All five senses in experience gave Brendon all the convincing he needed.
I really liked this paragraph. It’s…unconventional. Most friends would be figuring out a way to get the person they care about to quit the drug, but Brendon enables him. And Brendon’s reasoning is very understandable – understandable in a way that makes the reader sympathetic. It’s good to see a story where the friend is actually an enabler because he simply can’t stand to see his friend going through withdrawal.
The way you ended it was really effective, in my opinion. The repetition and the single line for the ending, it worked perfectly.
There’s not really much to criticize in this piece. The only thing I’d say would be to take another look over it, since there are a few typos/spelling errors.
I think you really captured the relationship between Ryan and Brendon very well, there was just…something missing. I know it was a short piece, a one-shot, but I didn’t get the feeling that I really new either of the characters apart from the relationship (which may have been done on purpose). I also didn’t like that we never know what happened between Brendon and Ryan and why he left…unless I missed something? Did they breakup or did Brendon die?