June 7th, 2009 at 06:54pm
Sorry it took me a while to leave the feedback. Hope this is worth it. :arms: I got about an hour before I go to bed, I'll review as much as I can now, and if I'm still sleepy then I'll finish off tomorrow morning.
I love how you just tell the story like it is. Nothing fancy, and I like that. And WTF WHERE HAS THIS HALF AN HOUR GONE?! Never mind. Great opening. It was noisy in the club but I only heard him. I like how despite all the noise, he can only hear Toshiya. He's the only one that really matters to Die, enough to matter that he's the only person that really stands out to him and the only person that he pays attention to, in the sea of faces.
The description of Toshiya was mind-numbingly good. His eyes were glazed over, eyelids drooping slightly, reflexes numbed by lack of sleep and alcohol. This shows how completely out-of-it he is, he's running on empty and can't seem to focus on anything. He's a mess and he's so drunk that he can't think. He doesn't react to things because his reflexes are shot and he's even having trouble to keep himself awake.
It's now been nearly a week since I wrote that. ^ I think this is the longest I've taken to leave feedback. Oh dear. Anyway. This bit was good, I like the "innocence" of Kaoru's comment (if that's the right word to use). “Geez, he’s been in our band a month and already he’s getting all the girls,” Kaoru grumbled. Like, he thinks that Die is jealous of Toshiya because of the way he's staring and I like how he's completely oblivious to the real reason. I thought it was clever how you did this, very clever indeed.
I enjoy reading the light-hearted humour, too. “Kaoru, you’ll always be young and sexy. Even when you’re all wrinkly. Hell, I’d do you!” Although the story here is pretty serious and heavy-going, it was good that you added in jokes, too. It lightens it up a little, and helps it to flow. It also shows that the characters know each other well, because the joke seems so at-ease and it made me giggle that he refused at first, but then said he'd think about taking him up on that offer.
I loved how you wrote Kaoru as being tipsy. He stood up clumsily, slightly tipsy, gripping my shoulder tightly to help him balance. It was such a natural description, and I liked how he wasn't completely drunk, just slightly drunk. It's a lot harder to write slightly-drunk, rather than very drunk, so kudos to you for that. I think this story really shows off your strong points of your writing, it's incredibly well-written and tbh I'm kind of jealous of how good you are.
This literally took my breath away. such beautiful eyes, the colour of oblivion, capable of turning your stomach inside out and making you weak at the knees. I completely adored that description, it was absolutely beautiful. I've not really got anything to add to that. I really loved it. XD
I think this line says a lot about Die as a person. I was thoroughly pissed off. The one night I could have him, he was useless and incompetent. Like, he wants Toshiya but he's worried of what will happen. And he wants something to happen but is annoyed at Toshiya because he just has this constant disregard. And it was significant on how Die commented on how beautiful he looked. He may be drunk and staggering all over the place, not in control of himself, but he still manages to look beautiful, no matter what. Die is in awe of him, despite the fact that he can't control himself very well right now.
This shows that he really cares for him. I helped him to his feet and carried him through the mass of bodies, studiously ignoring his complaints that he hadn’t finished his drink. He still wants to help Toshiya, even though he's pissed off with him. And he debates on whether to do it or not, but he weakens and helps him, even though he is still annoyed. I don't think Toshiya can really see how frustrated Die is, either. Which is really good to read, I like it when characters can't see what's right in front of them.
I liked this line and I'm not entirely sure why I liked it so much. I was lucky I knew where he lived and that it wasn’t too far from the venue. I think this emphasises how well Die knows him, enough to know where he lives and he seems really prepared to just take Toshiya back. I liked how he didn't want to get a taxi - perhaps because he didn't want Toshiya to be seen by the taxi driver in the state that he was in? He seems like he's looking out for Toshiya, worrying that he'll make a fool of himself. And I think that's really sweet of him.
This made me giggle. “You dream of having hair as good as mine.” He's taking Die's words and morphing the meanings of them. He thinks that Die is jealous when in all honesty Die's only looking out for him - when he yelled at him, it was only because he was annoyed with him for being a bit of a drunken mess. And Toshiya takes it the wrong way and thinks Die's just jealous of him. It shows how drunk he is, the fact that he's not paying full attention.
Sorry for quoting so much here but I didn't want to take anything out of this quote. His eyes were fixed firmly on the carpet – he looked so different from the confident, teasing man I was used to seeing and I couldn’t help but feel guilty about the negative thoughts that had been running through my head. At this stage, Die just feels bad about snapping at him, even though he probably did deserve it, in all honesty. He's scared of the person that Toshiya is becoming, too, and he wants to try and stop this all from happening but he doesn't quite know what to do. And I think this scares him. He wants to stop thinking these negative thoughts but can't get them out of his head - you know how when you tell yourself not to think of something, and then you can only think of nothing but? That's like what Die's feeling right now.
I liked how innocent he sounded when he asked Die to stay with him. He's a little bit like a lost child, upset and just wanting to be with somebody. He doesn't want to be alone, he wants some company and he wants Die. This was very effective description. He sounded more like a child asking his parent to stay and protect him from the monsters that lurked in the darkness. It makes him sound so lost and afraid and he doesn't quite know what to do. It almost made me cry. It was amazing writing, some of your best EVER. That paragraph is my favourite one you've written, ever. And you know how much I love Firefly.
This was so sweet. I twisted a strand of deep blue hair around my fingers, my body automatically moving closer to his. It's like they're made for each other, he just moves closer to him without thinking and it's like they're two parts of the same person, fitting in exactly with one another. Although Die is a little annoyed, he can't keep himself away. I don't think Toshiya can see how much Die likes him, either. Which is quite sad.
Amazing update, absolutely amazing. Sorry it took me so long. I started writing this over a week ago, so this is totally the longest time-span I've taken to write a review. Yes, I am aware I fail at leaving timely feedback. Hope this makes up for it. :arms:
The prolouge was interesting. You eased the reader into the situation very nicely without using any harsh or patronizing words. And without any actual introduction, you introduce the character and certain aspects of his personality.
For example, the fact that he is a man comes through towards the end, when he feels “less disgusting” when his love is dressed as a woman. It also conveys the message that he appears to be ashamed of his sexual preferences.
I like that you use very subtle-but-not-really words and phrases such as “paying for his love”, “cheap hotel room”, “dirty, sinful life” and “client” to imply what exactly the situation is here, and what the relationship is between the main character and his love. I thought it was clever actually. Because like I said before “whore” or “harlot” or other words can seem harsh. And besides, just judging from the way he describes his love, I don’t think your main character even sees him as a whore or prostitute, because those carry such negative connotations. And its clear that the main character places his love on some kind of pedestal.
I liked to think he made a special effort when I was his client.
That part was really quite sweet and it made a lot of sense to let it stand as a paragraph on its own. It’s a cute little glimpse into a kind of romantic fantasy that the character has built around the situation. I like that sort of thing in stories. Real people daydream. Real people like to drown out reality when its not in their favor.
The descriptors you used for the make-up and especially all the imagery with colors were very effective. The reader gets the impression of some kind of rush, but at the same time its more than that. You can tell that the character believes his love deserves to be beautiful and pure, instead of appearing filthy or however those in his profession generally appear.
I like!
Chapter 1
This whole thing was definitely interesting. I actually didn’t expect it. Maybe I was expecting some kind of businessman-and-the-whore kind of fairytale. But this is pretty cool.
I thought you were pretty effective in laying out the setting. The groupies, and the basement band and stuff. This sentence made me smirk-laugh: ready to kiss and tell their way to pseudo-stardom
Now, I don’t know if Toshiyo is the same person described in the prolouge, but if so…wow. That is an inredible contrast. In the prolouge, I got a very delicate, broken-on-the-inside kind of picture of the person, but Toshiyo is a manslut :XD I love characters like that.
The main character, Die (I think), keeps calling him a whore, but again I’m not sure if he’s being figurative or literal. I also really liked the description of the alcohol’s effect on Toshiyo. It was descriptive without being flowery and that’s always a plus: eyelids drooping slightly, reflexes numbed by lack of sleep and alcohol as he groggily ran his fingertips along his companions jawbone
You do an excellent job of showing how the main character’s brain works. A good example is when he’s relieved because his bandmate believes him to be jealous of Toshiyo, instead of Toshiyo’s steady supply of girls. The insecurity and shame for his preferences that came up in the prolouge surface again. Me likes.
Of course, his insecurity becomes more understandable once it becomes clear that Kaoru reacts negatively to gay joke.
This is my favorite sentence in the whole story: such beautiful eyes, the colour of oblivion, capable of turning your stomach inside out and making you weak at the knees
“Color of oblivion” is such a pretty phrase! :brightside:
Another thing I like is how Die is not so completely in love that it makes him impractical. He’s impatient and possessive too. And this was funny:
“You’re just jealous,” He sniffed, the words coming out in a drunken blur. “You dream of having hair as good as mine.” :XD :XD
Toshiyo is definitely intruiging. He’s described as a whore, a filthy slut, teasing teenage girls and all that, but still towards the end he’s very…well, child-like. He’s dependent and needs company. Isn’t that how it always is? The people who seem the strongest are sometimes the neediest.
This is a really cool idea for a story and you’re good writer. I like your tone and style. And Die is fun :XD There’s a lot of places you could take this story, so I wish you best of luck with the rest of it. I’m sure it will be epic.