December 14th, 2010 at 03:33am
"...Were taking a vacation on the Virgin Islands (the islands aren't virgin anymore)."
"The two have been attached at the lips for three years."
Hah, i love it!
I'm sad to see it go :(
Attention! Attention! - Comments
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December 13th, 2010 at 06:07pm
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I've only read the last chapter, but I am posting feedback as requested.
And so, here goes:
This chapter was of average length, but seemed very short when I read it simply because it was so fast-paced. I felt like you were racing towards some event or idea that you wanted to introduce, but that we never reached. Looking back, this was probably because this chapter was so dialogue-heavy, and because all that dialogue progressed very quickly.
Un-embellished dialogue can be very effective in getting to a point, but when it is the focus of a chapter, I think it is often better to flesh it out. A little description of events around your opening conversation could be helpful here, or alternatively, a little reflection on what the characters were thinking or doing while they spoke. In my humble experience, in dialogue-heavy chapters it is rarely best to trust the characters to say all that needs to be said.
Finally, although I have already admitted to reading your story partway through, I felt a little lost because you never really set the scene in this chapter. A hall-mark of truly well-written literature is that you can pick it up and start reading it from any point and still be interested. And so, regardless of whether the scene has been set in a previous chapter, with the opening of each new chapter you need to set it again, or at least remind your readers of what is going on. You should probably do this either just before or just after you launch into your first, enthralling snippets of conversation.
That said, I think this story is quite easy on the eyes. Here you have managed to establish flow, which is something that a lot of stories on this site seem to lack- keep that up.
Once again, forgive me if I've been a jerk.
Cheers,
-Aelf.December 25th, 2009 at 07:47am -
Updates from you = LOVE.
i'm so, so, so, so glad you decided to make him wake up <3.
And yes, I love the new layout! xDNovember 21st, 2009 at 01:53am -
Is the font better?- George Ryan Ross.:
- Aw. Poor Bear.
Awesome update.
August 27th, 2009 at 01:15am -
Aw. Poor Bear.
Awesome update.August 2nd, 2009 at 03:27am -
Ooooh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that. I'll fix it. : )- George Ryan Ross.:
- You updated. :brightside:
Your story font is really hard to read though.
August 2nd, 2009 at 02:49am -
heheh, thank you Clara(((:
it was sad.. i cryed a little,):
but still good(:July 31st, 2009 at 06:11pm -
You updated. :brightside:
Your story font is really hard to read though.July 31st, 2009 at 06:59am -
Don't die!- xSpunkyx:
- dude. seriously. do NOT put your story on hiatus!
i would DIE.
seriously.
omgno:
Well, I'm sticking to my plan.
Tell your friends to read.
And comment.
Need two more comments or two more subscribersJune 24th, 2009 at 10:47pm -
dude. seriously. do NOT put your story on hiatus!
i would DIE.
seriously.June 24th, 2009 at 02:01am -
Lawlz.- xSpunkyx:
YES! you can take me home,- Obviously Oblivious:
- Can I steal you two?
You're like amazing.
I want to put you guys in a box and take you home.
Is that creepy at all?
because i hate it hereee, hahah.
:mrgreen:
I steal you then!June 23rd, 2009 at 05:41am -
I really like your story, it's good.
I hope you don't put it on a hiatus. But it's your choice.June 22nd, 2009 at 07:29am -
awesome updateJune 20th, 2009 at 04:06am
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YES! you can take me home,- Obviously Oblivious:
- Can I steal you two?
You're like amazing.
I want to put you guys in a box and take you home.
Is that creepy at all?
because i hate it hereee, hahah.
:mrgreen:June 19th, 2009 at 06:04am -
i seriously need more.
im ready to rob 3298y87478 banks in order to pay you as much as i can so you'll update((:June 19th, 2009 at 06:03am -
awesome updatreJune 14th, 2009 at 12:54am
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Go away!!- Princess of Slashes:
- No it's either sexxi (as in my back-up dancers) or
shmexy (as in thathot video of Pete giving Patrick a breast exam).
He was so into it.
No such things as soulmates. That's only with ghosts and shit.
And don't correct me!!
AND WHO ASKED YOU?!
June 12th, 2009 at 05:40am -
No it's either sexxi (as in my back-up dancers) or
shmexy (as in thathot video of Pete giving Patrick a breast exam).
He was so into it.
No such things as soulmates. That's only with ghosts and shit.June 12th, 2009 at 05:36am -
Can I steal you two?
You're like amazing.
I want to put you guys in a box and take you home.
Is that creepy at all?June 12th, 2009 at 05:33am
I haven't been reading this...at all. Which I feel rather awful about since you read my stories. But reading this one chapter really gave me some insight.
It was a perfect epilogue. It ended the story and left no strings. ^^