And I sat there and burned with all seven sins, cursing and wishing ill on Alice’s new companion.
I really liked this line, probably my favorite up until the point.
The rabbit hole was special and hers. I was neither. And what’s more, she was not mine.
I think this was another few lines that worked really well. I like the way it’s worded and the short sentences help punctuate the meaning of it all. I really like the idea of losing a friend (or unrequited love) and I think you pull it off well here.
And now she’s gone down the rabbit hole, with a pocket watch and an expression that I can’t read.
This part makes me lean more towards the idea that “Alice” is a friend that has changed. That she’s sort of becoming unrecognizable and that she’s leaving her old friends behind.
Alice has a very loud absence.
I like this line. It fits in with the whole ‘deafening silence’ thing. It simply makes sense. The fact that the absence of something can mean so much.
At the end, I’m still not 100% on what this was about. I don’t know if it’s about friendship or something more. I’m not sure if it’s simply about a friend leaving or unrequited love or if it’s maybe about a person changing and leaving another friend behind. But the ambiguity of this piece does make the reader think, and I liked that.
I think the way you chose your words and order them is really very beautiful. A lot of the time, it’s not about what you say, but how you say it, and this piece is worded very well.
---- Some errors I notice…
Before I know what Wonderland was.
Just a typo here.
She’d let me follow her up till that point.
If you mean ‘until’ here, it should be ‘til with the apostrophe. Otherwise ‘till’ means to plow or dig.
There’s a few places where punctuation is misplaced. Like here, for example:
Maybe it’s because, the first time she went down the hole, I wasn’t there.
I don’t think you need a comma after ‘because.’ With it there, it messes with the flow of the sentence.
But I’m still sitting her past sunset and past sunrise after sunrise.
And I sat there and burned with all seven sins, cursing and wishing ill on Alice’s new companion.
I really liked this line, probably my favorite up until the point.
The rabbit hole was special and hers. I was neither. And what’s more, she was not mine.
I think this was another few lines that worked really well. I like the way it’s worded and the short sentences help punctuate the meaning of it all. I really like the idea of losing a friend (or unrequited love) and I think you pull it off well here.
And now she’s gone down the rabbit hole, with a pocket watch and an expression that I can’t read.
This part makes me lean more towards the idea that “Alice” is a friend that has changed. That she’s sort of becoming unrecognizable and that she’s leaving her old friends behind.
Alice has a very loud absence.
I like this line. It fits in with the whole ‘deafening silence’ thing. It simply makes sense. The fact that the absence of something can mean so much.
At the end, I’m still not 100% on what this was about. I don’t know if it’s about friendship or something more. I’m not sure if it’s simply about a friend leaving or unrequited love or if it’s maybe about a person changing and leaving another friend behind. But the ambiguity of this piece does make the reader think, and I liked that.
I think the way you chose your words and order them is really very beautiful. A lot of the time, it’s not about what you say, but how you say it, and this piece is worded very well.
----
Some errors I notice…
Before I know what Wonderland was.
Just a typo here.
She’d let me follow her up till that point.
If you mean ‘until’ here, it should be ‘til with the apostrophe. Otherwise ‘till’ means to plow or dig.
There’s a few places where punctuation is misplaced. Like here, for example:
Maybe it’s because, the first time she went down the hole, I wasn’t there.
I don’t think you need a comma after ‘because.’ With it there, it messes with the flow of the sentence.
But I’m still sitting her past sunset and past sunrise after sunrise.
Another typo.
I miss you Alice
A comma is needed after ‘you.’