Glass on the Asphalt - Comments

Hello and thanks for commenting on my journal. I might get the other one a little later in the week. I’m actually glad I made that journal because I’ve been reading all sorts of interesting stories I never knew existed, like yours. I really like the plot of the story, in fact I loved it. I’m just going to go through each section.

There was no known name for his condition. His old doctor called him a delusional schizophrenic, but there was a reason he was called the “old doctor,” wasn’t’ there? He just saw it as “making his own reality.” But still, he dutifully went to his new psychiatrist every day, as a condition of the state’s new welfare program for the mentally challenged. (Personally, he hated the term. He certainly didn’t feel challenged whatsoever.) Today was no different.

So we start the story off with a man going off to see a new psychiatrist. The reason he was going to see a new doctor was because he didn’t agree with the diagnosis of the old doctor. Now that’s very plausible, most schizophrenics don’t believe anything wrong with their world and think they are right while the rest of the world is wrong. What I did not like in this paragraph and anywhere else it appeared was the parentheses, they aren’t necessary and make the writing look sloppy, as if you had no other way to fit it in the story. What you should do it add with a comma, semicolon, colon or new sentence. If it doesn’t fit, just take it out. It happened in the second paragraph also.

He could focus on all the individual threads, faded, greyed-out loops of color twirling and intertwining on the floor in front of him. He saw the purple, decided he liked it. He could fee the scratchy thread itching at the tethers of his mind, and he pulled on it. The long, purple string came out all at once and then retracted quickly into it’s own, monochromatic sphere separate from the multicolored ball that had detached itself from the floor and was now drifting over the receptionist’s desk. He tired quickly of the carpet, and laid it back on the ground in its original interwoven formation. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the chair. He could still feel the insistent itching of that purple string, and his eyes and mind roamed the room for something to soothe it with. He was still searching when he heard the nurse call his name. He got up and walked without guidance into his room, where Dr. Rhame was already waiting.

A lot of the sentences in this paragraph start with the pronoun “He”. Try to use a bit more variety when beginning your sentences. However, I did love the description of Herman’s experience. I also like the name Herman for this character. It’s strange and quirky like the character. The way you describe his world makes it a lot better than our world. I mean, all we see is a carpet, we step on it, don’t pay much attention. However, Herman sees this incredible world of magic and fun.

Schizophrenics are difficult people to work with, because they are trapped in their own world and you can’t get them out of it. I like how you mentioned the medication thing. A lot of schizophrenics have a problem with that. It’s not just schizophrenics, it almost everyone but they especially do. The reason is, once they leave their world, they leave everything they have ever known. Their world doesn’t always have to be positive, take Richard Chase, the “Vampire of Sacramento” He was in a crazy world and believed in these things. He killed many people in California and drank their blood because he thought it would protect him from that Nazis that were trying to turn his blood into powder. He was not an okay man…but it was his world.

Then we find out that Herman has a wife named Jessica. I have something against the name Jessica and no offense, I absolutely hate it. It makes me cringe, maybe it’s because I have never met anyone named Jessica that was not a terrible person. Anyway, besides that, this part of the story made me really sad. It sort of reminded me of a story I wrote called “Mommy Dearest.” Except in my story the girl, a schizophrenic as well, thought her mother was alive and still abusing her. Anyway, back on topic, this part made me feel for Herman. I like when he accused the doctor of falsifying the article, it makes the reader even more sorry for Herman.

Up until this point, Herman was so happy and he loved his wife and she died almost a year ago. That was really sad. However, in my opinion when Herman finally came to terms with his wife’s death, I thought it was kind of fast. Maybe he didn’t come to terms and the reader now has to wonder. I wonder if he did come to terms, I mean he’s been living this lie for a year. Also a schizophrenic is hard to rehabilitate and Herman may never see the real world. As hurtful and terrible it might be.

I do like this story and I thought it was really cute. The layout is kind of hard on the eyes, for me it was. I just think it too much grey on grey. I hope this review is some help to you in some way, even though it's a bit on the short side. :cute:

The concept for this story is really awesome. (:

That was pretty. I can kinda relate...lol. Except for the wife being dead for a year...awww it was so sad! I liked it though. Good writing :)

Omg that was amazing! Your ones of the ones who do write real things! But watch ur back people are viper. read mine! " You don't Know the truth about girls like me"

Wow.

This was just...wow.

The imagery was beautiful, everything was beautiful. The wording, the story.

This is a truly good original fiction.