Heat - Comments

Wow. Just wow. That was amazing.

I really liked this story but since it's been a long time since you updated it, I can't figure out whether it's finished or just on hiatus.

The repetition of the insides of my eyelids are blood red in the first and second sentence seems a little off to me. However repeating Forty-seven miles past the Texas border in the first and second paragraph worked really well.

I liked how I like how Quinn is the one in charge throughout chapter one and most of chapter two. He's passive about Frank's injury until he wakes up and realizes that "shit" it's worse than he thought. He gives another promise of two hours although it might not be dark by then. It's obvious that he cares more for himself than Frank, although Frank does seem to mean a great big of a deal to him. I'm not sure whether their relationship is one of friendship or if they're lovers, but it seems to be built on trust. Quinn promises to get Frank everything he needs and Frank seems to believe that.

I don't know why they have to wait until dark, but to me, it didn't seem as if the police were after them as others have suggested. I got the image of a certain gang to which the dope belonged to.

I don't know though and that's what I particularly liked about this piece. I don't know all that much what's going on and it's making me crave for more.

I have to agree with Audrey T though. There's too much descriptions and most of the time it just ended up making me confused instead of giving me a clear picture of the scene. Every word doesn't have to be laced with flowery descriptions and metaphors and at times I really had to question what you were getting at. Some of the longer descriptions really put me off the story instead of welcoming me into the story and making me feel like I was there.

At times I got bored because I felt as if you dragged out and described things that weren't exactly necessary. I also think some sentences like Half of me is hollow, missing; I’m lost out here in the unfeeling vastness of the desert, and even though I close my eyes against the salty sting, tears still spill through the crack between my lids, clinging to my lashes and streaking slowly down my jaw in warm rivulets. could have been a little shorter.

Some of the spoken words confused me as well.
“Don’t lets shit where we sleep, kid.” makes me wonder if you've forgotten a word or if "lets" shouldn't be there at all.
I also had to repeat I know I shouldn’t I know I shouldn’t I know a lot of times out loud because the lack of commas got me stuck on those words. It's like a cassette tape that's got stuck and it repeats itself over and over again until you fix it.

Running his calloused fingers over the barrel of the HK machinepistol on the seat beside him as he speaks.
The quality is shit, the colors sun-bleached and underdeveloped, but there’s no hiding the fact that with our smiles splitting our faces like fractures, we look almost like kids. and the ending with the old woman were three descriptions you absolutely nailed and the ones I liked best.

Overall it's a great story. It's great how you can write two whole chapters about two guys sitting in a car, nothing in particular happening, and still have people reading until the final sentence. You're definitely good enough for a writing workshop and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

I'm from Texas. Just thought I'd point that out. :shifty

Your writing style is brilliant. Some of the things you know, just blows me away. Your vocabulary exceeds mine by far. The way you're able to describe certain things, I can usually feel what you're talking about.

I just kind of stumbled upon this, and I'm so glad I did. This is the writing style I've been looking for for way too long now! Brilliant description that plays the story out in your head like you're really there! I love it!

Honestly, I'm trying to give my usual review with complements and suggestions, but I just can't think of anything to suggest! I just absolutely love your writing style and the story line and everything!

Why do I always promise reviews I don't forget to do but end up not doing anyways? -headdesk- I have vacations coming... hopefully I can get it done by then. I really wanted to keep my promise of commenting... on May 18th? :cheese: I'm such a liar. -headdesk x 9018243190247538265- This is brilliant, though. I'll keep the rest of the compliments for later. -hides-

Chapter 1:

vicious glint of light refracting through a chip in the windshield of the Ford and scalding the nerves bunched closely in my each socket.

Just a typo.

The description at the beginning, I don't know if I liked it. At first I thought it was beautifully done, but as I kept reading, I felt that it kind of just went on and on with this kind of flowery detail and it just felt like too much. - But I'm not a fan of metaphors and similes, so I'm a bit biased.

I really liked the way the first full paragraph and the second paragraph started with the same phrase. The repetition there works very well.

I think that the description, aside from the similes and metaphors, creates a very real picture. From what you've describe here, I can get a clear image of the scene that's playing out.

I know I shouldn’t I know I shouldn’t I know, but his name comes out before I can stop myself, wavering pathetically in the air.

Was this done purposefully? If it was, I don't understand why?

As I read this, I can't decide if the detailed descriptions are helping or hurting this piece. At times, it's more distracting than anything else and it makes it hard to follow the story-line. And there's just so much of it. There's a point when it becomes less interesting and more tedious to read. Moments when it's a sensory overload and it's too much. It just feels like not everything needs to be talked about in such detail because when it is, it takes away from the important things and I end up searching for something solid to read; for something that isn't description but some kind of foundation to what's happening here.
And at times, the description is kind of redundant. Like the ways and the frequency in which you describes a persons eyes. I mean, when reading, I think that once is enough and sometimes it's perfectly fine to simply say 'his eyes' instead of some elaborate replacement.

Chapter one: I liked it, despite what I've said. I think it's very interesting start and it's intriguing, in a way. The way you've set this up, just two guys along a highway, one's possibly bleeding to death and the other is faily nonchalant about it. The hint of things that have happened is a very good touch. There's a bit revealed about each character, about what kind of person Quinn is and what kind of person Frank was. The bit you included about the dope in the truck and the fact that you didn't say much else about it, I think that was pretty brilliant. It gives the reader an idea of what the story is about but not much. Just enough to peak interest.

But even with that, if I'd stumbled across this story on my own, I probably wouldn't have kept reading. The thing with all the intricate details really bothers me. It makes reading this too strenuous, in a sense, because there's both too much and too little being said. Too much detail on every little thing and not enough detail on the broader picture. As I was reading, I just kept hoping that this was just something that would be done in the first chapter, kind of as a way to build into the story, but once the story got going, things would ease up a bit.

Chapter 2:

The quality is shit, the colors sun-bleached and underdeveloped, but there’s no hiding the fact that with our smiles splitting our faces like fractures, we look almost like kids.

I really liked this bit of description. Just the way it's worded is perfect.

Reading chapter 2, I'm definitely getting a bit tired. The descriptions, man. Too much. It doesn't give off that story feel. I still can't find a foundation or anything to really sink my teeth into. There's no substance and it makes me feel like, even though I'm two chapters in, the story hasn't yet started and I'm losing interest.

Towards the end, the chapter does pick for me when finally, admist all the details and descriptions, there's something. The bit of interaction between Quinn and Frank, I really liked. The simplicity of the words they do exchange works very well for the situation they seem to be in.

“Don’t lets shit where we sleep, kid.”

Here I'm not sure what you mean. I'm not sure if a word is missing or something but it's confusing. I think it means, "Don't shit where we sleep" but...I'm not sure.

My favorite part, probably in the entire two chapters, is the last part. An old woman sitting alone on the balcony of a shitty New Mexico motel, she rubbed her bony forearms and said, “Dios mío.” Crossing herself, dios mío, she said Quinn and I knew each other before we were born. I can't put my finger on it, but I really liked this part. The entire scenario, I think, says a lot and it's believable. I can definitely picture an old woman, an on looker, seeing these two guys and thinking she needs some holy protection. And the last bit, "Quinn and I knew each other before we were born", I like that it's so heavy. It can mean a lot of things and it can definitely be an indicator of what's to come next.

Very nice.
The way you've decribed the heat is remarkable, it makes me feel as if that scorching Texas summer is already here. Ever since No Country for Old Men I've been interested in the drug cartel, I'm looking forward to where this all goes.

-dies-

Okay. Even if I had time to do so, I don't think I could review this properly even to the best of my ability because it's just too damn brilliant. It's more of a piece of art than a piece of writing; it's like I'm staring at a painting, watching a film. Your description is some of the very best I have ever come across in my life and I'm actually thirsty from reading this because I could feel the heat, the dryness, the desperation. You're incredible, you really are. I couldn't quote any that I loved more than the rest because I'd be quoting the whole damn story.

I'm guessing they're on the run from cops from stealing dope, but I don't know why Quinn is insisting they wait till dark to move. You've managed to write two whole chapters about them sitting in a car in the middle of a desert area and keep me on edge for every word, and yet I still don't know how Frank has injured his leg, why/how precisely they've come to be there or who they really are. You reveal just enough each paragraph to make me read on yet still be totally mystified, it's amazing.

I loved how you used the photograph to hint at two things: one being they're wanted criminals and the cops are after them, and two that they seem to be close; friends or lovers I'm not sure yet, but the fact that chapter two ends with Quinn's hands on Frank's thighs suggests to me the latter.

I'm intrigued about this Biology textbook that keeps being brought up, too. I have no idea what they're doing with it, though it suggests they're not long out of high school - flunkers that turned to drug dealing, perhaps? Or maybe Quinn got a hold of it to see what he could do about Frank's injury, I dunno. But it fits with your anatomical description which I cannot get enough of, it's something that really brings your pieces to life. I adored the Cells and cells and blood and cartilage, bleach-white bone and nerves and skin, shattered and putrefied, a terrible splattered mess of shredded tissue. It made me squirm.

All in all, this story is damn addictive, and it's definitely up there with Guernica as one of my favourite stories on this site; I think they'll stay up there for a long, long time. Your writing inspires me so much, and now I just want to write and write and never stop even though I can never achieve anything close to your amazing work.

End of ass-kissing.
:tehe:

I'm only like, a fourth into it,
but it's fucking incredible.
and you're fucking incredible.

ELIZABETH HAS A NEW STORY. andit'sawesomeandstunningandamazing.
I just do not even know what to say, except that it blew me away. of course, you had to expect that, because the amount of your talent always blows me away.
:arms:

I'm not good at reviewing or anything, but that was fucking amazing. If I had half your talent, I'd be happy.

Girl, you are so back into it. I bloody LOVED the first chapter, it swept me away, it really did.
I can almost feel the dirty heat and taste the dry sand on my tongue.

Needless to say; I cannot wait for more, but more importantly; I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK!!

-dies-

I'm so fucking excited to see the birth of one of your stories. I told you I'd comment something, and since this is so new, I thought it'd be the best thing to review. I have to say, though, I've never actually known what to say in response to your writing (what can I say when I've just had my mind blown away?), so this is going to be mind vomit at best. :shifty

However, writing a comment is going to take a while I think. And I sort of have to go now. But I have some of it written, so it's not a hollow promise anymore. This will have a comment from me tomorrow. x]

Wow. The first chapter was fantastic. I love the how descriptive the imagery is. I can’t wait to read the next chapter. :cute: