August 17th, 2009 at 03:49pm
"I watch, mesmerised, as one flame licks another."
I love this line, and the idea of how the flams are separate, but yet they're together at the same time. Reminds me of the main characters and the boy's sister, how the two situations were previously separate, but they got tangled up in one another.
"The crowd was once a thin stream of faces, but now, it is a roaring sea of flesh. Everybody watches as the house burns, but nobody lifts a hand."
I love how you describe the faces being "thin" at first - you're too much of a genius. And I love "roaring", too, because as well as describing the sheer amount of faces very nicely, it also describes the sound of the fire.
"I don’t even need to close my eyes to feel you here."
I love how the guy's presence is so prominant to her (?) and I love the way you imply that he's not standing there at all, like by closing her eyes, she's going insane just thinking about him. Like the lyric in Desert Song, "I can see you awake any time in my head".
"Nobody knows the way we used to meet at exactly three minutes past one in the morning."
The way they meet at exactly three minutes past one in the morning is amazing - I guess it shows how structural they are, and how desperate they are not to get caught.
Gahh, all your descriptions are too amazing for me to comment on. I need to expand my vocabulary just to keep up with how goddamn great you and are and how astounding your writing is.
"Nobody knows, but you and I."
I love how you repeat this line at the end of several paragraphs, just to reinforce it. And I love the whole concept of knowlegde, and how at the end you write "Only I know who set your house on fire." - it's just amazing.
"I grab at your wasted hand with my own, but all I capture is the thin air of the night. I know you are beside me. I know you want to feel my skin against yours, just like I want to feel yours against mine."
I love how you describe the hand as "wasted", and how the girl seems to be so completely and utterly obsessed by wanting to hold his hand. It's to good for words, really it is.
"Nobody knows the way we lay in the untrampled mud on those nights when the sky sympathized with our blues."
I love how you hint at the couple having problems and how they sky sympathized with them. (Yay personification!) And I love how you used "untrampled" to create a sense of calm about the two.
"I didn’t want it to happen. It will not happen."
I like how the girl's so focused on trying to undo the event that occurred (which probably destroyed her mental health a tad).
"You said you had done something bad, something I should not know of, and they found out. They were going to catch you, you told me. You said you had to leave."
I adore the way you said that he'd done something "bad", as if he were a mere child and had knocked something over, but the way you contrst that with the "something I should not know of", which implies that he's trying to protect her from serious trouble, which must have really worried her because she obviously picked up on the urgency of the situation. Again, the whole "You left" theme fits in here so perfectly.
"You said you did not want your wrongs to break my life."
That is one of the most heart-wrenching lines I have ever read -sniffs- It's so sad and romantic.
"You told me about her golden locks that bounced as she skipped. You told me about the way your legs went crazy with tingles as she licked her huge lollipop. You told me how the way her dress flew up to expose her tiny thighs drove you insane."
I love how you're extremely vague as to what happened, but gave us this great big massive hint.
"I am a doll to stay forever in your life, to decorate the dusty shelves of your heart that only I will ever be lucky enough to adorn."
I absolutely adore your metaphors - you write so uniquely and amazingly and it's just beautiful. I love how describe the girl as a doll, because dolls are always so extraordinarily pretty and deserve to be loved.
" Nobody could see us together. Nobody."
I really want to know - why could nobody see them together? Was it wrong? Vagueness is annoying, yet grippingggg.
"You once lived here. Now, you can’t. Your house is burning down. And there’s something nobody, but me, knows. Not even you."
I love how she's so matter-of-fact about the fact that his house is burning down XD"Only I know who set your house on fire. "
I love how you leave it on a cliffhanger, and I love how, in the end, nothing is shared, and there's only one person who knows. And it's her.
It's written very well though. I could picture it in my head, which I can't seem to do with a lot of stories lately.
I particularly liked when you went through all the things they did together, all in the same format. The nobody knows we did all this, except you and I parts. They were well written.
Gahh I suck at writing reviews//comments on stories. Nomally I'd just say it was good and that I liked it; which yeah, is applicable too in this case.
Anyways, good job!