His Story - Comments

I really really liked this story. -nods-

Although it was a bit cliché, it still served it's purpose without being overly done, and your descriptions put it over the top.

If I picked out everything I liked about it, it would take all day, so let's just leave it at this:



Good job.

STORY/REVIEW GAME.
I like the summary. It’s quick, simple and straight to the point. The italic part seems to clue a reader in, such as me, and it almost gives away the story. But not quite.

CHAPTER ONE.
I like the way you opened up the chapter. One sentence and it’s very powerful. It’s quick and pulls me right in. As I read further, the imagery you use is amazing; the detail you supply is good and I love how you use it. But as I go farther, you mention him playing guitar then the next he is a police officer. So are we mentioning two different men? Or . . . or maybe I’m just not paying attention hard enough.

Okay, so is this boy is dead? Door shut and you can see him? So I’m assuming it’s a spirit watching the man. Now I like your style of writing, because it keeps questions, like a person like me, and it keeps the mind active while reading to figure out the puzzle. I like that. But . . . then, I figure you could explain who those two are or three are a little bit better.

Mother fucking is two words, not one. ‘Blow’ is a little cliché. It’s over used, and I see it a lot in these types of beating stories. I don’t like that. Another thing is that from the italic on the summary I knew this was gonna happen. It was going to be another story about a someone getting beaten by a drunk. The plot line is very unoriginal and I believe you could’ve done better. Maybe you could’ve made the police officer [now that you mention the characters fully] seem and be not drunk and make him beat his son for the fuck of it. Or because of stress, or some type of mental and emotional abuse and he takes it out on his son by beating him. Physical abuse.

Bolded parts are annoying; I don’t like it in stories often. It bugs me.

Okay so now the one telling the story is a narrator or a spirit that has passed on. Unoriginal. I’ve found it in stories before to substitute with a beating. As I read further, towards the end—how can the narrator/spirit guy bring the son into a hug? So . . . I would think the son is lunatic. But either way, I would kind of introduce the narrator/spirit a little.

Fricken' amazing. Like quite seriously depresing but it had a cut ending and a good message.
I absolutly adored it.

I think this one shot was absolutely brilliant! It was so well written and you captured those strong emotions so well. I imagined everything perfectly. You wrote it so well that I kind of felt the pain while the boy was being abused by his father and the secureness when he was beside the girl. You really have talent.
and there are no words to describe of how you are a writer. lets just say, that when you write a book i'll be the very first to buy it. keep it up and i am really looking forward to your future writings. :crazy:

This was very good

I could see everything in my head :|

:arms: for the entry

You're and incredible writer.
This was a superb piece of writing.

That was amazing. Possibly one of the best beginnings I've ever read. The descriptions were amazing and I love the connection between the boy and his guitar. Just...wow. I think the reason I love it so much is that it's completely feasible and so real. Amazing!

Oh my goodness, no words in the over written dictionary can even begin to describe how amazing this one shot is. It's a very powerful piece and well written to, and so heart felt. I was crying, this has hit me hard completly. The message that it gives, and oh the pictures that I get it is as if i'm there watching, and its make it even better. You are and incredible writer and this is such an amazing piece I love it. I hope to read more like this that you'll write in the future.... truly amazing. I love it!

I can't even begin to describe my emotions towards this specific piece of writing. Honestly, I don't know how you even are able to capture such strong emotions and for that i'm so extremely envious. Especially with this one, I could invision every little thing you said. And oh man, the way you described his eyes, as looking into his soul and the way you described him as being so broken...I am jealous of your writing. Oh boy.
anyways, this is amazing. Completely amazing. :)