In the summary I noticed one of your characters doesn't have a name as such, but a title. The Butcher. For some reason that really intrigued me. I actually have no idea what to expect from this story but I'm really interested so ya.
"I was feeling 'bout half past dead." I like that. You've bolded it so that provokes some kind of significance. It gives a sense, even if it is qiute vague, of the nature of the story.
"He's trying to get the emo gnome son's iPod just right." That threw me off. I think it was the word 'emo'. I didn't find it necessary? Also I think you've spelt 'concentrating' wrong. You've put an 's' where there is supposed to be a 'c'. Just a tiny mistake.
Okay, I'm up to: "Adam." I'm trying to decipher what exactly is going on. I've gathered one of them wants to watch Grease and another is drawing but thats all so far. I'm struggling to follow this, at this point anyway.
Alright, I've got it. Sisky is Adam and The Butcher is Andrew. I hope I have that right. :shifty
The relationship between Adam and Andrew is very complicated. I can't figure out if they're friends, if they're even that, or how they know each other. I can't grasp how they know each other or where they are, etc. I'm intrigued.
"Sisky doesn't hear that, but The Butcher gets a feeling that he already knows." I loved that last line. It's really touching, and I like how the perception of the Butcher and Sisky came out. The impression I had on this was quite wrong; I expected it to be reasonably dark. You might want to re-read over this and do a quick spell check - there are a few words that you misplaced a letter or two. Nothing major.
I enjoyed this. Solid effort, mate.
July 23rd, 2009 at 08:52am
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"I was feeling 'bout half past dead."
I like that. You've bolded it so that provokes some kind of significance. It gives a sense, even if it is qiute vague, of the nature of the story.
"He's trying to get the emo gnome son's iPod just right." That threw me off. I think it was the word 'emo'. I didn't find it necessary? Also I think you've spelt 'concentrating' wrong. You've put an 's' where there is supposed to be a 'c'. Just a tiny mistake.
Okay, I'm up to: "Adam." I'm trying to decipher what exactly is going on. I've gathered one of them wants to watch Grease and another is drawing but thats all so far. I'm struggling to follow this, at this point anyway.
Alright, I've got it. Sisky is Adam and The Butcher is Andrew. I hope I have that right. :shifty
The relationship between Adam and Andrew is very complicated. I can't figure out if they're friends, if they're even that, or how they know each other. I can't grasp how they know each other or where they are, etc. I'm intrigued.
"Sisky doesn't hear that, but The Butcher gets a feeling that he already knows." I loved that last line. It's really touching, and I like how the perception of the Butcher and Sisky came out. The impression I had on this was quite wrong; I expected it to be reasonably dark. You might want to re-read over this and do a quick spell check - there are a few words that you misplaced a letter or two. Nothing major.
I enjoyed this. Solid effort, mate.