July 22nd, 2009 at 06:32am
Remember like, last month or something, when I promised you on confessions that I'd review some of your stuff? Well I've finally got time to review, so here goes. I decided to review this drabble because it looked kind of lonely without any comments. And since I'm only reviewing a drabble and not a longer story, I'll also review another drabble too, to make up for it.
First of all, I loved the title. I liked that it was just one word, it gave an insight into the drabble without giving anything major away. And I love it when writers can do that. I also liked the simplicity of the layout, it was very nice.
Loved the opening. My childlike eyes rested on your frame, counting the buttons on your coat. Firstly, I like how this is a sort-of mixture of first and second person. It's a clever technique and not a lot of writers can pull this off well. And secondly I love how it's just so simplistic and they're just counting the buttons. It's really sweet and also childlike, which links in with the first part of the line.
They know how many buttons are on the coat, but yet they still count. I could feel the tears forming in the back of my eyes, still counting the same five buttons over and over again. It's like they're trying to find something to, and something to keep their mind occupied. And it's so sad, they're crying and just counting the buttons over and over again.
I loved how this was so abstract. I feel like the wind is watching over us today, the cool breeze is just guiding us home. I liked the metaphor of the wind watching over them, instead of something more predictable, like the sun or the moon, or something. And I also like how the wind is all kind (if that makes sense? :tehe:) because it's been described as looking after them and guiding them home. It gives a strong sense of security and it's like when they part, they know the other will be looked after.
I like the gentleness of this bit. She kisses my forehead and ruffles my hair. Her small, reassuring smile fades a bit and she gets up. She's always the one that looks after the other, and she wears that reassuring smile in order to show her that things are going to be okay in the end, even though she's going to be leaving. And I like the whole friendliness of this, what with her ruffling her hair. It's really sweet to read.
And then it just gets so sad! I stand there, thinking you’ll come back. You are coming back, right? She's asking herself a rhetorical question, in a way, and is wondering if she'll see her again. She stands there waiting, at first. And then she instantly starts to worry, even though it hasn't been long at all since she left.
Again, this was really sad. I turn the same corner that you had not but twenty seconds ago. And you’re gone. It's quite confusing in a way, the fact that she has just disappeared, but at the same time it's written so believably. It's almost like one minute she's there, one minute she's not. And we're asking the question "was she really there at all? Or was she just an illusion?". I love it in stories where there are so many possibilities for what has happened in a certain situation.
Loved the ending. “Wise Girl Tree, you were my home.” Short, sweet and to the point.
You're a great writer, you really are. I'll probably review another drabble of yours tomorrow, as I'm going to go to bed now.
One thing though, there were occasional lapses in tense, there were some parts in past tense and some parts in present tense. You might just want to quickly skim-read over this to check which tense you're going to use.
Apart from that though, this was really great! I loved reading it!
This actually reminded me of The Secret Garden, in the film where there is a scene showing a toddler version of Mary and her mother just runs off.
‘And she starts walking. Walking down a leaf covered path. I stand there,’
That’s just what came to mind when I read that :]
It’s really good!