The Pedestrian - Comments

I'm not very good with story comments, but I'll try. That was an amazing one shot, it really was. My favorite line was: I'm done with that. I don't have all the answers, but neither does Jimmy. And I got to get out of here 'cause one thing's for sure: I don't need no fucking messiah. That was so beautiful and real, it almost brought tears to my eyes. Well done!

Look at this, giving you a thoughtful comment not cause I'm posting in a "game," but because I wuvs you. :arms: :XD

Ok, I could automatically picture the narrator as a young, soon to be Reverend Strychnine Twitch. The dialect just clicked automatically for me, and it's possible that it's because I already knew who was telling the story, and I know the album, etc. So my perspective may have a slight advantage or might be biased in a way. But still, I can picture his attitude perfectly.

With Jimmy, I felt you really got ahold of his knack for decieving people. Even I was at first. He's a deciever and a manipulator, and it's interesting to see the outside view from that. To see the person who wasn't decieved see through the mask. I like their interaction (or history of it) I like his attitude towards Jimmy. He's a bad guy with an "angel face." (But it will never stop me from jizzing at every slight mention of him :tehe: )

I've never really thought too deeply into a possible story line or concept behind Stop, Drop, and Roll, and this made me think about it. I greatly enjoy thinking that all of the "characters" are all connected in a way. (Besides coming from Billie's brain)

And the last line is amazing. 'Nuff said. :hand:

First off, I like the title. I didn't know at first how it connected to the story, and it was vague in just the right way. After I read this, I thought and realized it kind of symbolizes someone who just watches things go by, then he gets fed up and "crosses the road" or kind of like leaves everything behind. At least, that's how I interpret it. No idea what you could be thinking.

About five sentences through, if I think about your second person stuff, you really work best in that area. The narration doesn't flow as much here, some words seem awkward and some statements kind of contrived. I can believe the character enough, but sometimes it was overdone (for me at least). Like, the 'remote controlled wastleland' '...and everything', "--or something" "crown of thorns" "gutter gospel." It's like, he had a point, and I could tell you were trying to describe stuff creatively, but it didn't feel right, for his character at least. He didn't come off as the type that would describe things that way, and it's like "wannabe punk" when I read stuff like that.

What's weird though, is that the emotion was well displayed. The journey of his thoughts from believing in Jimmy to thinking he was just another preacher was well-paced, and I could believe that. There was also his non-existent happiness, his dissatisfaction, and that strange kind of affection for the "her" that made him seem less two dimensional. I liked that he had a mind of his own among those that seemed like robots. I liked that he questioned things. Almost like the rebel in a group of rebels--or maybe that's exactly what he is. So yeah.

It's like, I totally was not into some of the description, which weakened the narration (it just seemed like forced casualness, to me)--but I totally bought the emotion here, which makes me love/hate the character. Maybe that's a good thing, since he's not exactly a good guy but he's not the bad guy either. He's just looking for something more, like the rest of us. And that's what makes this real, believable, the sickening truth. We go to such odd lengths to find ways to keep us happy, and we almost never succeed. But we keep looking, even if we get rejected. It's almost like it's that that counts.

So this just developed another layer. Like delving into the human psyche. I didn't like the description, still, but I do think you made this very deep-there's more to this than just the first glance or read, kind of like the title.

Well, upon first glance, this story good, it’s alright. But once it really sinks it, it’s captivating. I think it really represents the nature of people and the complexity of humans. Maybe it’s just me, but I see this as a very psychological piece. I think the best representation of this is this line: But they'll all hate me anyway, a little because I'm leaving them and a lot because they need something to hate. There’s something about that line that just represents a bigger picture, a definitive statement.

I love the narrator. I love their examination of their life and the ‘she’ and Jimmy. I feel like she’s the only person who could tell the story right. Have the right amount of pessimism and the right amount of truth mixing to together. I think the development of your characters is really fantastic, so good job on that.

You do have a bit of quality imagery in here. I especially like this line: He's like king around here, with a crown of thorns and everything. He's charming like Satan and he knows us.

My favorite lines, however, are this: I can't stay anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to burn buildings just to watch 'em burn. There's no sense to it, no reason. and I'm nothing special. I'm just another insignificant lost soul, trying to find some salvation. Well let me tell you, there isn't any. Not here, anyway. To call this shithole some kind of Paradise would be the saddest joke ever told. No lie.
Both tie back in with the human nature theme that I mentioned earlier. Also, I really like how you tied it back into religion every once in a while, which is a great addition to the story. And I love the Green Day reference. :tehe: Overall, I think it’s a great and meaningful piece.

Sorry for the short review. :shifty

I love this. It's hazy and very dramatic. I remember you once saying on a thread – at least I think it was you – that you never really understood the whole using the made-up characters in the Green Day albums as main characters in a story. Apologies if it wasn’t you. But we must traverse into worlds in which we feel uncomfortable and kudos, you pulled it off! The nameless original character isn’t some trite little git (and isn’t an hxc punk chickadee. Because if you did that and it wasn’t satire like your epic piece ‘We’re in Love Because We’re Punk’ then I would have to knock some sense into you. Verbally.) and it just feels good that there are conflicting opinions of the characters as some people have a tendency of elevating them. But you showed the flaws of both of them and that’s just refreshing. Also, I love where this story comes from. A hidden corner of the mind of Sruti! I love it! And I like the explanation, it’s almost…prophet like and I love stuff like that. It makes me squee on a literary level. :tehe: You can also tell that this was written purely to exist and not for other reasons as many stories are. Let us begin, but how should we presume?

So, basically, I have really analysed the hell out of it. Although the story isn't what anyone would call 'purple prose' or 'flowery', there are very interesting language choices and some hidden metaphors. I am going to analyse the semantic fields you use and what they could mean and the overall style of the piece.

I identified three main semantic fields: religious metaphors (note: YAY! I love religious metaphors), the dichotomy of ‘broken/fix’ and sensory – particularly sight and sound.

With the religious metaphors, it does fall primarily into a Christian pattern. There is much emphasis on the ‘afterlife’ as a metaphor for the runaway camp and the worship of ‘Jimmy’.

The ‘afterlife’ of the runaway camp is almost reminiscent of the odd ideas that the Romans and Greeks and even the very early Christians had about the passage into the next world: that many get lost on the way. Perhaps it is the transition of the child to an adult, could that be the ‘afterlife’? I mean, I personally assume my life will be a damn sight easier but more repetitive when I am old. Just some observations. And also, it is such a teenage quest, the quest for identity, no? Could identity be salvation? The whole ‘salvation’ bit also reminded me of a quote by Steven King that ‘Salvation and damnation are the same thing’. And that quote works endlessly with this.

Jimmy – ah I love how you have portrayed this man! The way you have made this Messiah is brilliant. It also works with that explicit comparison you made with ‘lost and found’ as Jesus is always seen as this shepherd who looks after the sheep of Christianity and sometimes they get lost but they are sometimes found as well. The ‘crown of thorns’ is an interesting take. Jesus, yeah, he wore a crown of thorns. But if we think of the timing, it was when people lost faith in him and left him. Since this is a story seeped in hindsight, this works on two levels. Also, the denial of his grandeur, the bastardisation of Jimmy by the narrator is rather interesting too. In Revelations, there is a false Messiah and he would be the child of Satan and you’ve woven that into the story seamlessly. The bit of alliteration too: ‘gutter gospel’ also emphasizes this. It’s like, the ‘g’ sound is a harsh sound. It makes it sound more malevolent than if you used some other synonym here.

The broken and fixed dichotomy is heavily influenced in this and I adore that use of metaphors. It’s black and white, night and day and the meanings are endless. Here, broken and fixed is just really a clever thing. The sense of self is broken during teenage hood, we no longer recognize who we are and there is a constant change in the teenage psyche. To the extent, some proclaim they are not normal; normal is ‘fixed/unbroken’ and abnormal is ‘broken’. (Am I making sense?) Apart, these runaways wanted time to try and fix themselves (And there is this epic bit where you say “get high off it.” and I love that. Because that fix is making the problem worse) Even before the runaways left, things were destroyed or decaying at home [“molding”, “fighting”]. But then you have Jimmy come in who seems to try to fix things [“He found us all, made us stick together, said we could find some place to call home.”] that sticking together works on two levels: safety in numbers and it sounds like a child trying to fix a broken vase with sticky tape: trying to make them stick together. But then he promotes this other form of broken: arson. Although it may seem poignant to the little gang or a protest, they are breaking other things which is the exact opposite of what they should be doing. There is also the sense of hunger/eating that plays into this [“…truth and we all filled our bellies with his gutter gospel like infomercials, nourished on the single belief that it would make life better.”] And how the narrator walks away hungry as ever is just emphasizes the futile nature and even destructive nature of Jimmy’s attempt to fix these people.

With the sensory area, there are many references to sight and sound. This sort of plays into the idea of infomercials and TV: sight and sound combined. It’s almost a binder and separator effect: it feels more real as it meddles with our senses but it separates us as it feels dramatized, televisualised. Like we are being simulcast real life and a drama show at the same time. It also displays – again, back to the old religious bit – it reminds me of the whole ‘Amazing Grace’ thing:

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

The amount that this passage of a hymn actually plays into the story as I understand it is unbelievable. The blindness of them under a false prophet was thought to be actually seeing. Gah, this is insanely clever for 721 words.

Your overall style with the first person narrative was very realistic indeed. The broken fragments of thought work incredibly well with his mindframe and the lack of dialogue is magnificently done. I think it would have ruined the impact of the story itself if it was in other forms.

I did notice a few errors [“its”, “tatooes”, “more.But”] but hardly anything really.

Although, the last line itself is very intriguing.

“I don't need no fucking messiah.”

The double negative really shows his true colours: he’s still looking for that salvation, for that Messiah but he’s lost faith in what that actually means to him. He’s angry and in denial. But that’s what I got from it.

Powerful stuff there, really wow.

Also, 1201 words. :tehe: