Your main character is well-rounded & complex. Her powers (& the problems they'd caused) are interesting, too. These traits & tendencies led directly to several plot twists....
You easily slipped her into the world set up at the end of the 7th Harry Potter book. I liked how you fleshed that world out to carry this story.
You had a good mix of dialogue, action, & narration, all of which served to move your plot forward at a good pace.
A few of the paragraphs were pretty long, which is easy to do when a character is telling a story. Perhaps you could break the dialog into several paragraphs, or have other characters interrupt with questions or comments. If a character does something (whether or not they stop talking), this might be another good place to split the paragraph.
One thing that threw me--& it's not your fault--was that your story spans multiple years. The original series covered 1 year per book & your title seems to indicate a specific point in time (or at least a certain year...). When you glossed over the school year, I wondered if that was because Lillian was being possessed like Ginny had been, but then I saw it was because most of the action happened outside the school (until later).
These are the impressions I had from reading this story in 1 sitting. If you'd like more detailed comments, I could go chapter by chapter....
Your main character is well-rounded & complex. Her powers (& the problems they'd caused) are interesting, too. These traits & tendencies led directly to several plot twists....
You easily slipped her into the world set up at the end of the 7th Harry Potter book. I liked how you fleshed that world out to carry this story.
You had a good mix of dialogue, action, & narration, all of which served to move your plot forward at a good pace.
A few of the paragraphs were pretty long, which is easy to do when a character is telling a story. Perhaps you could break the dialog into several paragraphs, or have other characters interrupt with questions or comments. If a character does something (whether or not they stop talking), this might be another good place to split the paragraph.
One thing that threw me--& it's not your fault--was that your story spans multiple years. The original series covered 1 year per book & your title seems to indicate a specific point in time (or at least a certain year...). When you glossed over the school year, I wondered if that was because Lillian was being possessed like Ginny had been, but then I saw it was because most of the action happened outside the school (until later).
These are the impressions I had from reading this story in 1 sitting. If you'd like more detailed comments, I could go chapter by chapter....
Keep Writing! ;)