Control. - Comments

I really liked your story, it's quite intriguing. :D

I liked how you explained about Mariah that helped the reader understand her more, and Jason seems like in interesting character.

Oh, and I've subscribed. I shall be looking forward to reading more. :)

I'm glad you liked it :) And thank you for your grammar help there! The amount of times I've read and re-read that chapter and I never noticed it, haha. So thank you! :)

Chapter One Review

I absolutely love the beginning. It really brings me to understand the character in a sort of mysterious way without telling me too much about her upfront.

It was like she was [on] cruise control, being led from one thing to another.
- That makes the sentence make more sense.

[That's when] Jason [came] in.
- To me that sounds better because the original sounded a little amateurish.

He left her in the bar, again reminding her to slow down[.]he [only] smiled.
- Makes the sentence sound better. The other one was like a choppy run-on sentence.

Otherwise this story is really good. I had never really read a story like this before.

I enjoy this. It leaves me pondering about what's going to happen and where this story is going to go. I think I say that about everything I've read of yours, but it's a good thing. I like wondering. It keeps me reading.

I like this part:

"People need something to depend on, anything will do. As long as they don't have to face the big bad world everyday alone. Then they're safe, they don't have to do it all alone. They have their own little safety blanket that is religion."

"That sounds lovely."

"Don't go throwing yourself away, Mariah."

Jason leaned over and kissed her on the head. They sat in silence, gazing up at the stained glass window, colors dancing around the walls and praying faces.

I think I like it so much because he says, "Don't go throwing yourself away, Mariah."

I like how you describe how she's so dependant on people, and how even though she seems to want to be able to do things herself, she can't because it's stuck in her head that other people know what's best. er, that's what I got from the first paragraph anyway.

It was like she was cruise control,

I do believe there's supposed to be the word 'on' before the word 'cruise'.

He walked over to her and told her to slow down, she listened.

I think that after the comma you can either have the word 'and' or instead of the comma you can have a period, capital And then continues with she listened.

I love how even at the end of the chapter you remind people just how very dependant she is on people, even complete strangers.

It was well written, in my opinion. The only issue I have is that I didn't feel a mood, and I couldn't really picture her surroundings. You should try being more descriptive of surroundings instead of just little descriptive bits of the characters.

I like it!

And suddenly, just like that, she had become dependent on Jason, a stranger, whom she deeply admired.

^ I like that. It made me all intrigued, and think of all the possible things that could happen.

I really like this Kimmi (:
Update as soon as you can ^^