November 4th, 2009 at 05:13am
This is so you can go back to reference what I said. Because you are beside me right now.
So. Mind you, it is probably best if I never read your work while sitting beside you ever again. It makes me think dirtily. Hahaha.
Anyway, what to say. I liked this story a lot. It was questionable at first, but as soon as the strange man appeared, the story came to life. I loved the dreamy quality that entered the life of the narrator. I also notice, with your writing in general, that there is an element of self-loathing. It's subtle and takes place when the character says things like, "I'm an idiot." It's an ironic voice, but one that readers can relate to. I think you do this for that reason; because people can relate to that feeling/attitude.
This story was clever and creative. I enjoyed how well told it was, though it was so short. Your voice is quite matter-of-fact. The narrator is more objective than most. They feel something, and they either tell you what it is, or tell you that they don't know what it is. It's refreshing, so don't think I'm pointing out a flaw.
I really liked this story. :)
Of course, more description is always better, but I don't think you were lacking, so don't worry about it.
For your character to be infatuated so quickly, they must have had some underlying desire for intimacy or adventure. Maybe reference to this in the beginning, in order to foreshadow and give explanation for future behaviors and choices.
Example: Before your narrator even sees the candy worker, she should speak in a way that is longing or reference to something she enjoys that shows her desire for intimacy. Like, she enjoys feeling the grass on her toes or something. Or that her favorite Jane Austen book is Pride&Prejudice (a romance).