Paperbag - Comments

You have a very interesting writing style and I think for this post it really works. linguistically your are very advanced in comparison to some of the other writers on here and you have caught my attention enough to look at some of your other stories. Good job.

You have a very interesting writing style and I think for this post it really works. linguistically your are very advanced in comparison to some of the other writers on here and you have caught my attention enough to look at some of your other stories. Good job.

Oh my god, this is amazing my friend. I loved reading every sentence and phrase on this. I love how Ryan called his disorder as seeing stars in him. He was so out of this world that it made him seem real, like this was something that someone would really say if they had to think of an excuse. I love how Brendon was a star, but then he turned into a paper bag, as if he didn't truly matter as much to Ryan anymore. All around well written and I enjoyed every moment of it.

-Greg.

This definitely isn't something I'd usually read so I'll hand it to you for keeping me reading. As you probably know there's a hell of a lot of PATD fanfic out there so you'll know there's a lot of competition. Seeing as I try to avoid reading this type of based fanfic, you've done well to keep me here. So well done, you have a talent here, keep using it!

The tittle makes me think of Firework and also bullying
I`m so confused at this point of reading, but it sounds amazing

2 cups of anger, three pinches of sadness, one spoon full of pixie dust, and one-half of hopelessness creates one leaving star
^ I loved that

This sounded awesome(:

This was a beautiful story! It was sad, but very creative. I liked the idea of his "stars". My favorite line was: "I don't have bones. I have millions of little stars that hold my paper skin to my cold body." It set the theme for the rest of the story. Perfect. :)

Also, I read the comment concerning errors, and I did find a few. This is a bit nitpicky, but I noticed these on my first read, and it did disrupt the flow a little:

"He'll understand when he finally see's my stars..." The "see's" should be "sees".

"I continued to stare out the blank widow across from our bed." "Widow" should be "window".

"He slid his feel over the bed and attempted to get up." Should be "feet".

"A frown was permanently engraved into it face along with stress lines on his forehead." The "it" should be "his".

"He didn't shine so bright like a star anymore, no I'm the shining star." I'm not sure about this sentence, because I don't know exactly what you were going for, but I feel like it needs some more punctuation.

This is AMAZING and I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! ^.^ You definitely have a way with words and you are very CREATIVE!

This. Was. Amazing.

'Nuff said.

Best story ever !
(: i'm reading all of yours .

oh, that was beautiful.
if i could, i'd totally post a ton of those inlove smileys.
i'm rubbish at reviewing, so i'll just keep it short but sweet.
oh...you have such a way with words. seriously.
i love love loooove this story, dana. it's gorgeous. <3

obscene.:

I have checked it three times.
You might be mistaking my writing style for grammar errors.

But if you could tell me what you think is wrong, that would be great.

Sorry, you're right.
I did look over it.

...that was amazing.

The part where Brendon screams about wanting his Ryan back...about throwing his stars back to the sky...

Genius, pure genius.

Excuse the lateness of this review Dana. I've had it written down for a while, I just didn't get around to typing it up.

First of all, I really like how you’ve started off with a strong statement from Ryan in dialogue. ”Stars are a beautiful thing.” I love that statement, partly because I have a weakness for stars but also because it’s just a generalised thing that ryan says out of dialogue.

”He calls them bones”. That there is the first indication we have of Ryan not thinking like everyone else. And he’s not referring to himself either, “he” would indicate Brendon, which comes to Ryan avoiding the term. He makes this statement like it’s some strange odd thing for Brendon to call them that.

”Brendon patted my forehead” That makes me cringe. It’s like Brendon’s trying to treat him like a child who doesn’t understand what they’re going on about, though Brendon himself is a child somewhat, so maybe he’s just getting chidish towards a problem he doesn’t know how to handle.

" Sometimes, Ryan, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with you and whatever your fucking stars are.” Did you want to punch Brendon in the face whilst writing this? I mean, jeez! I like this because it gives a somewhat subtle hint that he’s been putting up wit Ryan and his “stars” for a while.

” No one can resist the stars.” Ryan is just so self assured that this will work, that bones are the most beatiful thing. It’s almost like he’s slightly possessive of them. “The stars” as well gives the indication of not all “stars” but just his.

The fantastic use of the paper bag metaphor is so incredibly true. He is seeing something as hiding his stars from him. Soemthing that’s in the way of him getting to them.

” Sometimes, paper bags blow in the wind and make noises that they don’t mean to.” This line, gah! It’s like Ryan’s saying he doesn’t even want to speak anymore. He doesn’t want the “paper bag” even if it does include what he says and thinks. He just wants to be a pile of bones.

” I can’t deal with you right now!” Brendon’s reaction seemed a little irrational. Like maybe he’s wither trying to snap Ryan out of something or make Ryan’s attention become focused on something else (him most likely) rather than his constant obsession with himself.

“I am made of real stars!....” This entire paragraph just really highlights Ryan’s delusional mind. It’s like he’s forgotten that when he was eleven he learned in science that stars are made of burning gas amd are locatedin space. He’s so absolutely convinced that these calcified hard objects under his skin are called stars.

“Come with me. You want to see your fucking stars? We’ll see your fucking stars.” This is so perfect. The cursing from Brendon is just screaming that he’s so angry and frustrated with ryans delusional statements about stars.

And then to see Ryan go on thinking he meant bones. The rhetorical questions as he talks to himself, recounting everything that he’s done to make them visible, and Brendon isn’t even talking about bones.

“All I saw was a paper bag covering what once was a star. I saw myself.” I’m not sure what to think of this line. :think: It seems odd that Ryan would think of Brendon as being “covered by a paper bag” or as something ugly. I think that maybe Brendon’s ugliness is truth. And Ryan doesn’t recognise the truth, he just sees it as “ugly”.

” My crumpled paper bag” The way Ryan refers to Brendon as his with this possessive “my” It’s almost as it Ryan’s paper bag thinks it’s better than Brendon’s because it has an ED and because it has control and because it knows all the rules.

I really liked the concept and execution of this story.
It was amazing, Dana. :arms:

I usually avoid reading songfics, but holy flying dishsoap that was a good story.
I'm in this contest too, but I would not be the slightest bit disappointed if you won.
Great job, seriously.

Woah! That was so amazing. You have a way with words. Good luck with the contest!

First off the layout is very pretty. I love the banner.

I don’t have bones. I have millions of little stars that hold my paper skin to my cold body.
That is very beautiful and artistic, I have never heard anyone use words like that before.

Just a blank window and a few shiny things in the sky was all I could see. None held any meaning towards me.
It's touching and sad.

Brendon’s face was a twist. 2 cups of anger, three pinches of sadness, one spoon full of pixie dusts, and one-half of hopelessness creates one leaving star.
Very cute, not exactly original, but cute.

My crumpled paper bag reached the door and walked inside.
wow.

The Ending was very powerful, you are a good writer. I really enjoyed this, and I usually won't read fan fiction. I hope you do win this contest.

I didn't see too many grammar errors. (:
Best of Luck!

That was...probably one of the most inspiring things I've ever read.
Seriously.
That was so...beautiful and haunting and god. You took anorexia and literally made it into something gorgeous.
& I'll have you know, that I'm entered in this contest too. And I'm intimidated by this entry right now.
Pretty sure you have a damn high chance of winning this.

...Though, I agree with aberrantly malignant, you do have some grammar errors. :shifty Not so many that it's an absolutely huge deal, but they're still there.
If you want, I could look over this for you and fix 'em. Or I can just tell you them.

I have checked it three times.
You might be mistaking my writing style for grammar errors.

But if you could tell me what you think is wrong, that would be great.

o_o
Best story I've ever read on Mibba.
Best.

But you have so many grammar and spelling errors.
You should look over it.