The Little Coffee Shop - Comments

New reader.
I like the story, it's something different.
Can't wait for more.
<3.
=]

Story/Review.

The summary drew me into this story, because I am a sucker for one-liners and use them all the time. :XD However, I didn't know this was a an RPattz fanfic until I got to the author's notes at the bottom of chapter one, so you might want to include that in the summary somewhere.

I'm going to try and touch on some different issues than the people who have reviewed this story previously and give you my point of view at the same time. There are a few typos in your writing that MLIA picked up on, so I won't repeat those but I noticed you hadn't changed them in your work. As I read, your sentences often seemed stilted due to incorrect grammar or misuse of words. Often these mistakes aren't that easy to put right if you're not adept at constructing sentences, for instance, Robert pondered. To most people, 'pondered' is a verb associated with a noun or another verb, so typically you'd say Robert pondered his choice of coffee. The only help you can really get as to using language properly is to read alot of different types of books/stories, read your work aloud or get someone else to read it over.

The characters all seem really upbeat and relaxed in this, which is a really lovely thing to come across in the story. Just take a moment to make sure your dialogue is not cliche or unrealistic, as in some places it seems like a 24-year-old guy wouldn't say those things in such a manner.

Like someone else pointed out, the lack of description adds to the laid-back feel of the story. As a personal preference, I don't usually go for stories written without modifiers to help create a vivid scene, but here you've managed to add a tone to the story using your own personal, simple style which I think can be hard to do, so well done.

As the story progressed and more characters were introduced, I got a little lost. Point of view changes within chapters can be hard to pull off and sometimes I got confused as to who was speaking to who, who was associated with who and who was thinking about who. I'm guessing from the first chapter alone that you're trying to set up a romance with Robert and Jayden, and if you want to show both sides of that relationship then I'd stick to POV changes between chapters. That's just how I would do it; obviously you don't have to take my advice but I'd reconsider the way you phrase things so that your readers don't have to re-read passages.

Overall, I do really like the tone of this story despite the things you could work on that I pointed out. Despite being a fan of Rob I've never really read a fic about him before, and the tone of this story seems to reflect the laid-back kind of guy he is. :cute:

I hope my review was helpful to you, and good luck with the rest of this. (:

The relationship between Rob and Victoria reminded me a lot of my two brothers and I. Except I don't pay someone to stalk them :tehe:.

I enjoyed the first two chapter's with the relaxed atmosphere. This is definitely something I can come home and read after a long day. I'm looking forward to more. =]

I felt like a lot of the mysterious factor from the first chapter was gone in this chapter. Like, suddenly they all seemed very comfortable around each other, like they've all known each other a long time.

But it was still very well written, and its still an interesting idea. :D

Yay! An update!

I really like the way the characters interact, it's very realistic. I quite enjoy the relatioship between Robert and Victoria. It's cute.

I knew randomly searching coffee for stories would benefit me eventually! I had to look through a few stories, but I finally found yours! :D

I like the story so far. I don't usually like fanfiction that much, but since its not portraying one of his characters and you're not even making him an actor, there should be no problems!

Anyway, very well written. It flowed very well even with all of the POV changes and its an interesting idea so far as I can tell.

Can't wait to see more.

Its a really good story :]

Like before very relaxed.

Sorry I haven't got much to say but it is really good :)

STORY/REVIEW GAME

Con/Crit
A few spelling/grammar errors ...

He walked to the table he always sat for past months.
This doesn't flow very well - 'He walked to the table that he had sat at for the past few months.' maybe?

Katrine, one of the waitress, was right there at Robert's table with a the small notepad and pen.
Should be 'one of the waitresses' and with a the small notepad should either be 'the' or 'a', not both.

so she stopped half-way eating her pancake.
Should be 'so she stopped half-way through eating her pancake.'.

but he did notice the cute blond sitting in front of Jayden.
I'm assuming that the 'cute blond' is a woman? If it is, that should be 'blonde'.

Victoria smiled and subtlety pointed at the browned hair guy across their table.
Subtlety should be 'subtlely'.

But she had to stopped
Should just be 'stop'.

Jayden looked at her watched
Should be 'watch'.

Also, when someone new starts speaking, a new line is usually started; but that could just be the way you write. And other than that, those are the only negatives.

Positives
As Stereo Sounds said, your writing is very relaxed and in turn made the environment in the story relaxed and casual. It's very open to the imagination - I'm sure that anyone reading it would imagine a different setting because there is little to no description of the character's surrounds - which isn't a bad thing. I could still easily visualise everything that happened in my head.

I love the you've told the story in third person and have still gotten into the two main characters' (Jayden and Robert's) heads. This is my favourite way of telling a story, and you make it work really well. The humour is good and very subtle.

It was very realistic and believable as a whole, which I love. Congratulations for your first chapter! I will definitely be looking out for this story later on - it's something that I would enjoy reading.

Story Review:

I have to say that the laid-back attitude in the coffeeshop really made the story pull together.
I liked that fact that the dialogue between the characters was very realistic and the POV switches from Robert to Jayden didn't seem choppy.
It didn't throw off from reading, and the story flows very well as a whole.
There weren't very many grammatical errors that I noticed, which also helped.

I especially liked the humor at the end between Rober and his sister.
This was definitely something worth reviewing. I quite liked it. :)

:mrgreen: I really like this story!
I am glad you decided not to make him an actor in this story, it adds a new element to it.
I hope you write more.