Bogeyman - Comments

I am such a fail at leaving feedback. I am so sorry. Especially since this part was so good. T_T You know how much I adore this story.

The opening was very strong. A protective circle was created around the victim, all eyes on him, watching and waiting for death to wrap it’s evil cloak around him and take him from them. Everybody knows what has happened to the victim and it's like it's a waiting game; waiting for them to die. And they want to keep him protected in the last moments of his life - he obviously wasn't protected when he was attacked so viciously, so they just want to give him a final bit of dignity and make sure he's safe as he passes away. I liked how simply it was described. Another one gone. It's so final, yet so effective.

I wondered why Ian did this. Ian led the way, pushing through the crowd, ignoring the dirty looks he received and standing at the front of it all. He doesn't seem like a person who is particularly high up the pecking order in the pack, yet he still makes the decision to push past everybody and get dirty looks, regardless. It made me wonder whether there was something deeper; something that hasn't been mentioned yet. It was intriguing, either way.

I thought the way you described Aled was very effective. For the first time in his entire life, Aled Phillips had been silenced. This was a much better description than simply saying something like "Aled was dying". In earlier parts, Aled was a man who enjoyed control and it was impossible to tell him to keep quiet or stop, because he felt like he was the top dog and the one that was in control. So to describe him as "silenced" was a very apt description, since death was the only thing that would really keep him quiet.

It was scary how Ian immediately thought it was Matt that had done it, but Gustav confirmed that this was darker than what Matt was capable of. For a moment I suspected Gustav but then I remembered that he was with Sean and Ian when it all happened, so it couldn't have been him. It's worrying to know that there's something out there that's hostile and is just killing at will. I'm wondering whether the deaths were intentional - that is, the people who were killed, not the fact that they were killed on purpose - or whether the killer is just choosing people from John's pack at will. It's something to consider.

It even shocked John. His face paled when he saw his favourite, his very own lost boy writhing around in a silenced agony. I think he expected a killing but he wasn't expecting it to be a killing of one of the men who was closest to him. And this is one of the first times that he's shown true emotion. He seems to hide behind a steely mask but it's obvious that this killing shocked him, because he visibly paled.

Gustav seems to know too much for his own good. “There’s no point trying to help him,” Gustav said, loudly. “He’s gone. Forget it.” It's almost as if he's witnessed something like this before and knows that the only outcome of this will be Aled's death. He definitely knows more than he's letting on to, and it's making me wonder whether he knows the true identity of the killer. Since he only said that it was too dark for Matt - he didn't mention Darran or anybody else in the other pack.

Gustav's explanation was awfully simple as to why he left his other pack. Gustav shrugged carelessly. “What can I say? I like to drink blood.” It's almost too simple and this again cements my claim that Gustav does know a little more than he's letting on to. He was obviously running away to escape from something, and only time will tell what this is. Might it have been Gustav that brought that lot to John's territory. Was he looking for Ian and did they follow him? Hmm.

John is starting to really worry. John’s eyes were wide. For a moment it looked like he was about to cry. “How many more? How many more will they take from me?!” He just seems to be slowly losing control and it's obvious that he does care deeply for his pack, even if he doesn't often show it. He's worrying that there will be more victims and all he can think about is that he doesn't want anybody else to end up like Aled because of how visibly he's suffering. John can think of no worse way to die and he's really worried for everybody which is why he's telling everybody to look out for each other.

It intrigued me that Ian suggested that the three of them should go and see Matt, especially since him and Gustav have been trying to escape from him and Matt seems to have his eye on Sean for a reason that is not yet apparent. They've been trying to get away from him for a while and now they're going to go looking for him? I'm definitely intrigued and I have no idea where you could be taking this! I absolutely love how this story has so many twists and turns! I never know what to expect. Definitely interested in what's coming up, and I'm again sorry that I took so long to review this. :(

much love to this
and gus makes a lovely wolf XD
write more pretty please :)

Ohai my name is Mrs Bike, this means that I can review.

Argh so I really wish that these silent readers would leave feedback because this story is brill, you know that it's my favourite on here. But anyway. I am going to leave a review since this story is very deserving of one (and btw I do still need to leave feedback for your other updates, revision is just swamping me a bit right now). I am going to revise this whilst on breaks from revision. :tehe:

I thought this was a really intriguing part, definitely one of my favourites so far. I like how shrouded in mystery the whole part is; a lot of information is given but at the same time not enough for the reader to completely understand what is going on and the roles that everybody is playing in the part. The introduction of Gustav was interesting, to say the least, and I'm intrigued to see what part he's going to play in all of this.

The way you opened it was really effective. Everyone was on edge, keeping their eyes peeled, peering over shoulders, never daring to go to places they didn’t know about. These people are the people who are meant to be feared. They're meant to be the ones that everybody is scared of, and instead they're petrified of some unknown force that is slowly decreasing their pack numbers, one kill at a time. It's like they can't trust anybody and they have to be on-guard for anything.

I like how it's not only me that's wondering here! :XD He wondered why Matt seemed fascinated by him. I'm really looking forward to seeing where you're going to go with this little bit of the storyline, and why Matt has such an interest in Sean. It's open to a lot of interpretation and nothing is really clear yet. Argh I literally am on the edge of my seat with this story, it's brill. :tehe:

Sean's little soliloquy about Emily was really interesting. He's stated that he really does like her, but he wants to stay away from her because he knows that if he sees her again, he'll feed from her because he feels like he has to. It's such a sad predicament that he's in. The big decision is whether he'll kill her, or whether he'll let himself be killed by Aled and Gavin in order to save her.

I thought it was ironic when Sean said that he wasn't scared, when to be honest he's got the most to fear. It was the perfect crime scene, but with their unnatural powers, they had nothing to worry about. Sean couldn’t be scared. It was intriguing to note that he "couldn't" be scared. Maybe he's thinking in the sense that if he does come across the thing that is doing all the killings/murders, it'll be over quick and painlessly for him - Gavin and Aled would probably drag things out and make it uncomfortable for him, if he didn't end up killing Emily/somebody else like they wanted him to.

I liked Ian's optimism. He just seems to think that it's all over, at least for the time-being, and is happy to talk about having a piss like the Niagara Falls and discussing how content he is with his feeding habits because he recently fed and feels really full. He doesn't really seem to be afraid of anything; maybe that's because he's already encountered Matt and co. in the past and knows what to expect from them. And he says that things are looking up, which I think means that he's got a little complacent and laid back about the killings. Sean seems to think that it's a bit odd how chipper Ian has been over the past few days so I'm wondering if something has gone on in secret with Ian that Sean doesn't know about. He's gone from being really angsty to really happy over a short period of time, so there has to be some sort of reason for it.

The introduction of Gustav was interesting, to say the least. It was an introduction which definitely scared Ian and Sean - they both appeared to be ready to fight whoever this random person was. I think this illustrates the fact that the pair of them aren't human - they're so quick in their reaction to this unknown person who has burst onto the scene.

Gustav seems a little different and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. The man’s eyes were blue. Icy blue. Strikingly beautiful. None of the other guys have been described as being beautiful; they've essentially been described as being filthy beings, so the fact that Gustav was immediately described as being strikingly beautiful seems a little bit odd and I'm not entirely sure what to make of him as a character. He definitely seems genuine enough and I definitely believe what he's saying, but there's something about him that I just can't put my finger on, something a little different from the norm. I'm intrigued to see what his character is going to input to the storyline.

And what has he been doing? His leather jacket was ripped on the arm. Seems like he ran away with a bit of a kerfuffle from Matt's pack. Maybe that's why the killings had stopped for a while - perhaps Matt was involved in that (going by what was said later on with Gustav saying that Matt was a murderer).

And the plot thickens, what with finding out that Ian was Matt's favourite! It makes sense why Matt didn't do anything when he came across Ian that time. But Ian just wants to hide that little fact away. It's a part of his past he just wants to sweep under the rug and forget about. I think Gustav feels a little bit angry that Ian was the "favourite" and then just ran away.

Love the light humour that you added here! Pretty harmless and absolute shite at fighting. It was good for this to go here because it lightens the story which has been pretty heavy since Gustav arrived on the scene. It's suddenly become a lot darker, so it was nice to have this kind description of Sean courtesy of Ian. :tehe: I think it really emphasises the friendship between the pair of them, the fact that Ian can make fun of Sean, and Sean will just joke around with him in response.

OK OK WHAT “So what brings you here? Apart from Natalie obviously.” YOU MUST TELL ME WHO SHE IS IN THE NEXT PART, OK.

I'm looking forward to the next part very much. :arms:

OMG UPDATE! I literally got so excited, I stopped writing my shitty fanfiction and rushed here to leave you some epic feedback! So I'm gonna try and leave feedback tonight because I just got reminded of how much I love this story! :D

I like how this part started exactly where the previous one ended, and it was good how the two parts fit well with each other. It was also good how you sort-of went over what happened at the end of the last part with Aled's partner; although I only reread this about a week or so ago, it was nice to get a little bit of a recap because it reminded me of what happened.

This brought across the severity of the whole thing. Did Aled do it? Was he responsible? Did she kill herself? Accident? Or was it some unknown sinister force, picking them off one by one. It just seems so desperate, and really cements the fact that nobody in the pack really understands what's going on, this story is just filled with mystery and confusion, and I think that's one of the reasons why I enjoy reading it so much - I don't ever really know what to expect, it always keeps me guessing and these questions are what I'm asking myself, too. What was it that killed her? I guess that only time will tell.

Just...fuck. Her lifeless body simply laying there, the soul sucked out of it completely. This imagery was just so...vivid. It's kind of a haunting description but it worked incredibly well, and I liked how you described her - in a sense it's an ironic description because she wasn't alive when she got changed, and some people would describe vampires as having no soul. So it was a clever way of describing her demise.

We're seeing a side of Aled that isn't normally shown. He smoothed her hair down, whispering things to her, kissing her forehead sweetly. He's normally somebody who is up for a fight and is quite a harsh person. I think this is a side of Aled that he normally keeps locked away; he wants to have a reputation of being badass and tough because of what happened to him in the past, he doesn't want this "softer" side of himself to be shown because I think he sees it as being weak. But his partner just meant everything to him, and seeing her dead has just made him crumble and he doesn't know what to do apart from this.

This killer seems to be focusing on the "better" members of the pack, if that's the right way to describe it. With Gav, he was described as one of the good ones by Gavin, and Aled's girlfriend was described as being the perfect member of the pack. It makes me more intrigued to find out who is behind the killings and what their motivations are for this.

It's like John is a really cold person. I promise you, we will find out who did this and get our revenge. He didn't show much emotion when it came to Gav, and he's not showing much emotion here about Aled's partner, apart from the fact that he promises Aled that he'll get revenge. He told his henchmen to remove the body and didn't leave Aled to do it, showing that he isn't really in touch with any sort of emotion. I think that's probably a reason as to why he's the pack leader, the fact he just keeps such a cool head when faced with problems like this.

To be honest, I think this just highlights Gavin's lack of tact, and shows that sometimes he just wants to cause trouble. “Watkins knows what happened to her,” Gavin stated, loud and clear. I think he knew that this would cause tension between Aled and Ian, and I think he wanted there to be a fight. I think he's the character I dislike most in this story, he's just such an unpleasant person who enjoys causing other people misfortune.

I thought you wrote Aled's reaction incredibly well. His eyes desperate. All Aled can think about right now is the demise of his partner, and he wants revenge on anything and everything. And when Gavin said about Ian knowing what had happened, he just lashes out without bothering to think about whether Gavin is telling the truth or not. All he wants is justice for his dead partner and he can't think straight so he's just laying into Ian without thinking things through. But to be honest, I don't think Aled really thinks things through anyway, a lot of the time.

To be honest, I could see straight through Ian's lie. He first of all says that he can't say anything because he'll be next otherwise, and then he says that Gavin lied and he doesn't really know anything about it. Annoyed, Ian slapped Aled across the face, pushing him away. I don't think that Aled tackling him really helped his cause - although I don't think Ian would have really helped Aled in any situation, he might have been a bit more helpful if Aled hadn't acted so rashly.

Sorry for quoting a fair bit, here. Ian stopped in his tracks. “Don’t start turning into a cocky shit, not now. Your neck’s on the fucking line, and mine probably will be in about five minutes.” He carried on walking, leaving Sean behind him. I think the run-in with Aled has finally made Ian snap; he's tired of taking shit from everybody and Sean's never given him any hassle before (well, at least not to my knowledge?), so I think this finally made Ian snap. He comes across as an easy-going person who isn't afraid to be himself, but there's this darker side to him that has started to emerge now that Matt is on the scene again. And he's fearing for his life because he knows information about the killings, and he knows that the information will more-than-likely be forced out of him at some stage.

All Sean can think about is these killings and he just wants to be able to avoid it all. Matt had some sort of fascination with him and that chilled him to the bone. Just the thought of becoming part of his twisted army frightened Sean. Currently, I'm thinking along the same lines of Sean, I'm wondering whether it's Matt or maybe Darran (since he's described as Matt's minion, and Matt seems to be somebody who likes to get others to do his dirty work for him) doing the killings, but it's all still a mystery, which I'm enjoying because it's keeping me guessing and really holding my interest! I think Sean's been completely haunted by his run-in with Matt and the explanation that he's been given by Ian has just petrified him. He doesn't want to get involved with this but I don't think he really has a choice in the matter.

I liked the contrast between Ian and Sean's reactions to seeing Emily sat on the wall. Ian's just being playful and is laughing, but Sean has suddenly become more serious. Sean narrowed his eyes. “Thought I told you to stay safe?” I think this is to do with the fact that another killing has happened since their last run-in, and he just wants her to be safe and stay inside, since she already knows too much - because she knows that they exist and I get the impression that humans aren't supposed to know.

I think Ian is toying with her. “Oh, Sean, shush, let a girl take a few risks every now and again. I mean, she did let us monsters into her room. She even let one of us use her shower facilities.” It's like we're being faced with a new Ian after what's happened with Aled, this Ian just doesn't seem to really care about anybody and he's just become a really frustrated, angry person who's just picking apart at the stuff that Sean is doing. He's just refusing to see the darkness in the situation because I think he's still a bit pissed from his run-in with Aled.

The ending definitely left me with a lot to ponder. (Gonna quote it all in one line) Ian turned to Sean, a grin on his face. “She’s the one, mate.” “The one?” “The one you gotta feed from.” I think Ian had made that decision the first time that he'd set eyes on Emily and I think the reason that he went to get a shower was to leave them alone together in an attempt to encourage Sean to feed, which didn't work.

So, I actually left this feedback a later than intended. I ended up going to sleep halfway through writing this because I was feeling exhausted, but I continued after I did a bit of washing. I love this story, but you already know this. Looking forward to seeing where you're going to take this.

AMAZING!<3
The way the story is written is excellent,I feel like I'm watching on the sidelines ^-^

Wow. How in God's name do you only have eleven comments?!

This story really is amazing, and I hope that it gets some more attention.

Seriously addicting: D

:cheese:
Prepare yourself for shocking feedback that will not do this story any justice.

First off, THIS STORY IS COMPLETE WIN. I wish I knew of it before now.

I love the way you intoduced the story with Emily and the whole idea of monsters and things. She sort of believes in everything that's in her nightmares, but when Sean tells Emily what they are later, she doesn't believe him. I really like her character. I can't wait to see what you do with her.

Sean's a nice person in this story! He's always really cocky and arrogant, but having him as the outcast really works. And having Ian as a totally "normal" friend really works to. I like Ian. :tehe: He wants Sean to stay how he is because he doesn't want him to give up what he believes in. And Ian doesn't like what they do, even if they do it to live. But he saved Emily, which makes him a good... creature. I like that he looks out for everyone, especially Sean, even when he has his own troubles.

I'm excited to know more about Matt and Darran too. :weird You've left it with so many questions with so many different answers.

I really do fail at feedback, but I love this story, like :cheese:. And I really really want to know what's going on. It's so good.

Omg. Normally, when a story gets updated really quickly, I normally get all stressed out and upset about leaving feedback, but I think this is possibly the only exception to this. You should see my face when I see that this story has been updated, I'm like a little kid at Christmas. :tehe: I really am such a fangirl for this story, it's quite embarrassing! But it's amazing so I don't care.

I thought it was a good way of starting the part. I get the impression that the park is usually full of underage drinkers and people up to no good, so to find it completely devoid of life was interesting. It's an echo on the last part (which pretty much started as if time had stopped when Matt had knocked Gavin to the ground) and it makes me wonder whether all these teenagers have sensed that something isn't quite right in town that night and all went home. I think that Matt has affected things in more ways than one - not only has he interfered with Gavin, it's like he's driven people away by his sheer intimidatingness (if that's a word?). He definitely isn't somebody you should mess with.

I think this implies that Ian wanted to be alone. Sean had followed Ian here. I don't half get the feeling that Ian wanted some time alone to simmer and get his thoughts together, but Sean's just completely confused and knows that he'll get answers from Ian, because Ian seems to know a lot more than he's letting on. And he's not going to leave Ian alone until he finds out exactly what's going on and who Matt and Darran really are, because he knows that Ian knows.

This shows how much Ian means to Sean. His silence was killing Sean. Ian wasn't like this. He was the one that made everything okay, the medicine for the sickness that was their lives. He doesn't know how to react to Ian when he's like this. He's grown used to the Ian that helps him out, so to be met with an Ian that's strangely silent is a new thing for him. Ian is the one constant in his life, so when he's different, Sean doesn't know what to do. Because if he doesn't have Ian, then he doesn't have anybody. And I think he's painfully aware of that fact, which is why it's "killing Sean" for Ian to be strangely silent.

Sean is really respectful to Ian and this is definitely the human side of him showing through. He didn't want to anger or upset Ian anymore tonight. He knows that his friend is really hurting and knows that he shouldn't push him because that could hurt him even more. It shows that he's somebody who thinks things through to work out the best plan of action. He wants to make sure that Ian is comfortable with telling him everything because he can see how upset and angry that Ian is.

I knew that there was something up with Matt as soon as I read this. Matt Davies-Kreye was one person that could make his blood boil at just the mere mention of his name. Ian seems to be an easy-going person, so to see Ian have this sort of reaction must mean that Matt's either a really bad person, or had really offended Ian in some way. It's kind of scary to see this reaction from Ian - Matt has sparked such a change in his character and I immediately wondered what type of person Matt could be. He definitely comes across as a character who's intimidating without even trying to be, and I think that's scarier than if he was in-your-face intimidating (if that makes sense).

I wondered whether Matt is the reason for Ian's self-loathing. It was Matt who turned me. He followed me home one night, I was pissed, no idea what I was doing, Matt attacked me and I blacked out. It implies that Ian didn't have a choice about whether he wanted to be turned or not, and he just fully blames Matt. Like, earlier on he says stuff like he's just disgusting and he can't help himself. I get the impression that he really doesn't like who he is, but he just has to get on with it. And he blames Matt because he didn't give him a choice. It makes me wonder whether Ian wishes that Matt had killed him instead because he really doesn't seem to be happy with the life that he leads. It also made me wonder why Matt chose to change Ian, I wonder what stood out about Ian for Matt to want to make him one of his own. And the fact that Ian was drunk shows that Matt's kind of cowardly, since he changed somebody who couldn't necessarily fight back. And later on in the update, when Ian says that Matt's an "all talk, no action" guy, that kind of cements the fact.

I think Darran's quite a complex character. Matt was there, and Darran of course, his fucking minion. Darran's like an equal to Matt in some ways, since they seem to be attached at the hip. Darran's opinion seems to be of really vital importance to Matt and I think there's a lot more to the pair of them than meets the eye. But at the same time, Darran isn't an equal - Matt is the leader and Darran is labelled as a "minion". I get the impression that Darran might do a lot of Matt's dirty work for him.

This is too long to quote all of it so I'll quote a small selection. So, I found a girl. Alexa...I bit her, drinking her blood. Instead of turning her, I killed her. I thought it was kind of ironic that you chose this woman to be a person who used to date the RL Ian, since the golden rule in the pack is that you're only allowed to change your partner. I'm wondering whether that was Ian's initial intention, but when he started to drink her blood, he couldn't stop himself and ended up killing her instead. I think it was at that moment that Ian decided he couldn't hack life in this pack. It makes me wonder how he found John's pack and joined them; I'm definitely interested about that.

When Sean wondered about whether they'd kicked Ian out of the pack for killing somebody, and Ian admitted that he'd walked out, it made me wonder about whether Matt would have given Ian a second chance to prove himself - surely Matt would have got wind of it, but the fact that Ian denied that he'd been kicked out shows that possibly Matt wanted Ian to stay. I get the impression that there was something about Ian that fascinated Matt, and that was why he changed him and also why didn't kick him out. Very intriguing, to say the least.

Sorry for the epic quotage! Matt's a lot worse than you think. He's a control freak, he has them all do as he says. I know John is our leader, but who in their right mind calls him 'master'? You of all people know that we don't all do exactly as he says. I think Ian knows that Sean thinks that Matt seems like a decent guy and seems to be similar to him - at least, on the surface. Matt doesn't kill humans and neither does the rest of his pack. But Ian knows what Matt's really like, what with the fact that he used to be in Matt's pack. He knows the real Matt and knows that it's all a façade. Matt wants to have full control and won't have anybody answer back to him. He demands respect.

There's something about this that really intrigues me. They change people, he and Darran, they're doing it to build up an army. Then they go and tell the new one's that they can only change one other person, that one would be their mate. As well as the fact there's one rule for both of them and one rule for everybody else, it intrigues me that they're only allowed to change a mate. It's like they want everybody to have a companion and somebody to love for the rest of their existence.

I think this would be really ironic if this was true. "Holy shit. Do you think they killed Gav?" I think I'd be very sad if this was the case though. Cause in RL they're all really close and...yeah. I don't know what it is with me...I always seem to have to make some sort of comment about Gav getting killed! I have been scarred. :lmfao I am wondering who the killer could be - whether it really is Matt/Darran (I'm swaying more towards Darran though if it's one of those two, what with Darran being labelled as Matt's minion) or whether it's something a lot more sinister.

The ending was really scary, too. I like how it's a cliffhanger and I like how all the evidence is seeming to point towards Matt and Darran. Is it them, or is it all a coincidence? Or maybe they're being framed. I'm definitely intrigued, to say the least. I'm also intrigued as to what part Emily will play in the story, too.

Great update (as always!), sorry it took me a little bit longer than usual to leave this. Stupid wrist. XD

Okay, not gonna lie - I got more than a bit excited when I saw that you'd updated this. I'M SO GLAD I PUT THE TOASTER BACK! I bloody love this story and I actually squeed a little when I saw the mention of Matt and Darran! XDD I've put another review on hold just to review this, so feel special! TBH I drop everything when I see this has been updated cause it's my favourite story on here, ever. Oh, and by the way in the feedback I'm gonna refer to Bike as Gav and Mr Butler as Gavin. Just so you know. (:

I thought the opening was pretty ominous and I immediately got a bad feeling because of the previous part - I mean, it ended with Gavin being knocked to the floor by something unknown and the fact that the night is still and the rain stopped for a second implies that the thing that has attacked Gavin is so intimidating that everything around them has to stop. Everything is still; it's like everybody has been stunned (but tbh when I saw FFAF I did kinda freeze for a bit...:lmfao).

And despite this, Matt's introduction is relatively simple. Matt Davis-Kreye stood before the pair. His lips formed a thin line and a frown creased his forehead. (Just so you know, it's Davies-Kreye, but that's insignificant, really.) However, even with this small introduction, he does come across as really scary, what with the body movements you described. They were really subtle but also really intimidating. It's apparent that he's really not happy about something and I think the fact that he was previously wearing a hood that covered his face makes him even more scary.

This was interesting to see. It was the number one rule within the pack, if one is threatened, they all were, so they had to band together and fight, no matter how much each individual hated the next. I think this says a lot about the pack - they're very loyal to one another and if needs must, they'll all work together to stop an attack, even if they hate the members of the pack they're with. It shows that the pack comes above all else.

It was nice to see that they were (sort of) concerned about Gav's death. We heard about the tragic death of Gavin Burrough (NOO, GAV! Sorry, couldn't resist), so we wanted to see that things were still well down here. When Matt first made an appearance, I thought that it could have been him behind the death of Gav, but the fact that him and some of the members of his pack have come down to investigate and see what's going on in John's pack implies that they're not the people behind the death. And this intrigues me further, because if it's not one of these then who could it be? It's also intriguing as to why they've come down just to see if "things were still well", I get the impression that Matt's being tight-lipped about something here.

There's really something about Matt that Gavin doesn't like. "Well, now you've seen it, fuck off," Gavin hissed. Gavin really doesn't want Matt around, that's definitely clear, and the fact that Matt mentions the fact that they know one another implies that they have a bit of history. I like how it's all hazy about who Matt is and I also like the fact that although Matt seems to be absolutely petrifying and intimidating, Gavin isn't afraid to stand up to him.

I get the impression that Matt doesn't listen to anybody. Matt pointed a gnarled fingernail at Sean, choosing to ignore Gavin's order. He just does his own thing and I think this is one of the things that means he has complete control over his pack (I'll go more deeply into that a little bit later though). He doesn't take orders from anybody - especially from people who aren't even in his pack.

And the fact that Sean thinks this, from only a few moments of meeting Matt, says an awful lot about Matt. Matt seemed like he held a lot of power over his pack, possibly more power than John did over their own. Sean can see that he's a formidable opponent and he's quite intimidated by him. He can tell that Matt is a more powerful person than John and I think that this scares him because he's bumped into potentially one of the most dangerous people ever, and has been singled out by him.

Ian's reaction really interested me, too. Sorry for quoting a bit. "It's got nothing to do with you what's going on in our pack. So do as Butler said, and fuck right off," Ian snapped, he stood forward, putting Sean in a shadow. Ian's not really the type of person that speaks back - I remember in earlier parts, he's a person who keeps himself to himself and stays out of the action, so to see him standing up to Matt is really out-of-character and I immediately wondered whether something was up, then. And then he's being really protective over Sean by hiding him in a shadow. It's like he's trying to block Sean from Matt because he can sense that something bad is going to happen.

I get the feeling that Matt has been in situations like this before, and he's just used to them. The pair of them glowered at Matt, and he simply looked at them, his face holding no emotion at all. He's not showing any sign of weakness and is just looking at them. And I think that's worse than shouting and screaming, or starting a fight. It's much more intimidating and I think this is one of the reasons why Matt maintains such control. It's quite creepy and it makes him quite unpredictable because you're not sure if he'll just keep standing there or whether he'll make a sudden move.

I think this is the essence of Matt. He was frightening without meaning to be. Now I'm probably just being a FFAF fangirl by saying this and I'm not sure whether he looks like RL Matt in the story or whether he's covered in scars etc., but Matt is a person who doesn't look intimidating. He looks all innocent and sweet, so I'm wondering whether he uses this against his enemies, making them underestimate him until he strikes when they're least expecting it.

And this is what I meant when I said that Matt has a great control over his pack. One of his followers, a man with long black hair stepped forward and spoke up, "master, I think we should do as they ask." I mean, for starters Darran referred to Matt as "master", rather than just Matt. It shows a difference between them and John's pack, because as far as I'm aware, John isn't referred to as "master". And also it's the fact that the people with Matt are called "followers". It's like they follow his every word; what he says goes and they don't dispute it. It's scary the amount of hold that Matt has on the people in his company.

But at the same time he really seems to respect his followers. Matt nodded. "I agree, Darran. We are not welcomed at these parts." He's definitely very different to John. John seems to be awfully rude to everybody and instils fear into them that way, but Matt seems to take a kinder approach (if that's the right word to use?) and it's like he believes that if he treats them with respect, then they will in turn respect him back and listen to him without questioning it. And it's just the way he spoke to Darran, he seemed to really respect his opinion and listened to what he said.

And when Sean asked Gavin who they were, he didn't get a sarcastic comment and a fight didn't even start. "You don't even wanna know," Gavin spat. Gavin is incredibly frustrated and doesn't have time to start a fight with Sean, who he completely hates. It's obviously he's been really shaken up by Matt's visit and he's got all these thoughts running about his head that he can't quite make sense of. It's a change in character for Gavin, so something must be wrong here. Normally he wouldn't pass up a chance to start a fight with Sean, especially with the ultimatum that Sean has.

As soon as Ian said that Matt and co. were a part of his past, alarm bells started to ring in my head. I immediately wanted to know answers and Matt is just so shrouded in mystery. Gavin and Ian both seem to be quite knowledgeable on them, but they seem to have tried to forget them - what with Gavin seemingly not recognising them at first sight (calling them a cult) and Ian saying that he'd rather forget about them. I definitely can't wait to learn more about all of this.

It was a good way to end the part, too. It was only then that Sean Smith realised, he knew nothing about his best and only friend. The part ends in mystery, quite like it began. At the start of the last part, it was a mystery about who'd knocked Gavin to the ground, but at the end of this part do I really know much more about who Matt and the other people are? Not really. I like that they're still a mystery and you haven't tried to unload too much information at once. It really makes me want to keep reading (even more so than usual!) and I'm also really interested to learn more about Ian because there seems to be a lot more about him than meets the eye.

I LOVE THIS STORY!

Oh, and by the way...PRESENT! Let me know if it's too short or long because I can crop or add more length if you want to use it. It's currently 560 pixels wide, if that's any help.

I'm not nearly as good at feedback as Nat is, but I really like it. I like how Sean's trying so hard to fight his own instincts and doing such a good job of it, and I like how Ian's a little bit scruffy 'cause he normally seems to be a bit of a suave sort of person but he's not in this which I think is a nice change. And I'm totally curious why Gavin can't get to Emily.
:XD Like I said, I can't do feedback like Nat, but it's really good and I really like it :)

*loves this story*

I'm listening to Powerwolf whilst reviewing, which is pretty apt. They're a good reviewing soundtrack for Bogeyman. They sing about being vampires and werewolves, and how they need to kill to survive. Some of the songs remind me of this story! And another reminds me of Cobra Starship/Gabe Saporta but that's not relevant to this story at all. So I'll just shut up and get on with it. :lmfao

I like how you opened this part, in particular. I like how it makes everything seem safe, when it really isn't because Sean is in her house and he's not exactly a person who's safe (and I mean that in the sense that he's a vampire/werewolf, since he's not renowned for being a killer). I also find it pretty apt that one of the things from Emily's nightmares is now right under her nose and I think that she can sort-of sense it because she's sending Sean these frightened stares. She's scared about who and what he is; I think she can tell that he's not entirely human.

And this reiterates the fact. She kept her eyes on him as she removed her silly high heels, tossing them onto the floor. There's something about him that scares her and at the same time fascinates her because she can't stop looking at him. She's definitely scared, I can tell that from her movements. But she's also intrigued because she hasn't ran away from him - she's stayed where she is.

I actually loved how disgusting this was. He sucked his left knuckle, getting no satisfaction from his own blood as he gagged slightly at the taste. I love how you've written Ian as this really dirty, scummy guy - such a polar opposite to the one in real life! I really love a story where the writer twists the characters and makes them non-canon, I feel it really adds life to the story and shows that the writer has made an effort to write outside of the box, rather than keep the characters exactly the same. I think that's a reason why I love this story as much as I do. I think Ian is my favourite character in the story (well, second favourite...I love Gavin Burrough even though his only appearance was as a dying corpse. Oh dear I'm such a saddo XD).

I loved this line. XD "Could I use your shower, darlin'?" It's awfully blunt and I love how he just comes out with it. It's obvious that he's not the most respectful of people and is kind of a rude person. He does exactly what he wants to do and it's like when Sean motioned for him to leave - he didn't pay any attention and instead asked Emily if he could use her shower, instead.

And Sean's reaction is very believable. "Oh good god," Sean turned away from Ian and shook his head. He's just completely embarrassed by Ian; he can't believe that he's being so forward. He just wants to check that Emily is okay now that she's home and he can't believe that Ian just stormed inside and asked her if he could use her bathroom. He wants to leave a good impression on her and is worried about what she'll think of Ian.

I love Sean's optimism though, despite what Ian's just done. At least he won't smell awful and his hair might be clean for a couple of days. I like how he can see the good in situations, it's one of his strong points. He may be going through a really shitty time but he can still find positive things about the bad stuff in his life.

I like that Emily is so inquisitive. "What was that thing that tried to bite me? He looked so beautiful, and the next thing I knew, he was about to bite my arm with these huge fangs." Although she was drunk, she knew that what was attacking her wasn't human and she's intrigued as to what it could be and it was interesting that she asked Sean what it was - it's like she knows that Sean isn't exactly human too and has picked up on that fact.

And I get the impression that Sean's not really supposed to speak to humans about what he and the pack are, what with the fact that it's been established that they worked, lived and breathed under the cover of darkness. They try really hard to make sure that they don't get noticed - what with the fact that John was really anxious that Gav got "disposed of" before dawn broke, and I think that he wanted that to happen because he didn't want the pack to get found out. But I think that there's something about Emily that Sean just understands, it's like he feels like she's a person he can trust, even though he doesn't really know her. He thinks that she'll listen, what with the fact that she's not ran away from him in fear, or anything like that.

Sorry for quoting a lot here. After all the beasts and ghouls she endured in her head, she was open to finding out that one of those figments of her imagination actually existed. Although the thought chilled her to the bone, she was suddenly fascinated. It's clear here that she knows Sean is knowledgeable about these things and she seems to trust him, even though she's kinda scared of him. She knows that she'll get answers from him and she thinks that if she finds out that some of this is actually real, it could maybe be the first step to getting over all these monsters that haunt her.

I don't think Sean was being kind here, I think this was more of a warning. "Stay safe, yeah?" He knows that he won't be there all the time to save her and I think he feels that he has some sort of attachment to her, now that he's told her about the pack and stuff. He wants to make sure that she'll be okay and stay out of harm's way. And he's warning her to stay away from the streets at night, without explicitly stating it. Clever.

Oooh, cliffhanger much? but for the second time that night, Gavin didn't manage to inflict pain upon his prey, as he was pushed out of the way by an unknown force. I'm definitely intrigued with what's happening here and it really makes me want to read on! This is why I love this story, you always make me want to read on and you write it all so well. It's making me wonder whether there's something out there that's trying to get Gavin, and maybe it's the same thing that got Gav. I'm really intrigued, I can't wait for more.

And I'm going to try my hardest to get you more readers! :x

WHY IS THERE NOT MORE PEOPLE LEAVING FEEDBACK? IT'S REALLY ANNOYING BECAUSE THIS STORY IS BLOODY BRILLIANT IF YOU ASK ME. Anyway this is my first review in a few days so if it's a little bit rubbish then I apologise in advance.

I like how the opening made the night sound safe, but with an edge of unsafe in it hiding in the background (I edited the quote a little so it wouldn't be too long). The sky was painted black, clouds blending into the dark backdrop. A few stars twinkled dully, but the moon was as bright as ever...Rain fell from the sky, it splattered in thick droplets on the ground. Firstly, I love the description, it's really obvious that you've really worked hard on this. The description is very individual and it stands out in a good way. And secondly, I like how everything sounds safe, what with the sky being painted and the moon being bright, but there are hints of something more sinister, such as how the stars twinkle dully and the rain splattered. I like how it's not in-your-face and in a way I think this links well to the vampires because on the outside they look safe, but if you look a bit closer then you'll realise that something isn't quite right.

It was good as you wrote Emily as being quite defenceless. Emily staggered slightly, almost falling into a privet as she passed a dark house. As well as writing her as a very convincing drunk, I like that she's been written in a vulnerable way because it makes her stand out and I guessed that she'd possibly run into the vampires because you've shown her at her weakest. At least when she has those dreams, she has her wits about her. She's pretty defenceless right now.

This shows how affected Emily has been by all of this. She didn't care for good dreams, not when the bad one's plagued her mind on a nightly basis. She often wondered if good dreams actually existed. She's been so haunted by it all that she's just resigned to the fact that she can only dream her worst nightmares - in her world, good dreams don't exist. A good dream for her would be if she didn't sleep at all. It really makes me feel for her.

When I read this, it gave me the impression that something was up. A street lamp flickered in the distance, casting an eerie orange glow across the road. It was only hinted at, but it was definitely there. It shows that something is out there, but hasn't made itself known just yet. I also like that Emily's fear in this little bit was quite subtle, it shows that she's not sober and also I get the impression that little things like a lamp flickering wouldn't really phase her because she dreams of things a lot worse than this. She's used to fear by now.

And suddenly she realises the severity of her situation, although it's a little bit too late. She was a drunk girl standing on a dark, deserted street and there was a weirdo standing at the end of it, waiting to either rape or murder her or a bit of both. She's certain of her situation and has sobered up a little, but she knows that she's still drunk and not fully in control of herself. She has a feeling that something bad is about to happen which is why she instantly starts by changing direction by crossing the road, but unfortunately it's a little too late.

For some reason, this vampire was pictured in my mind as Ryan from FFAF! XD It was a man with a round face. He had brown hair and stubble lined his jaw line and chin. His eyes were so beautiful. Especially the eyes bit. He has these beautiful blue eyes and that entire description just fitted him perfectly and...I'll be quiet and get on with my review. I like the fact that he's been described as a good-looking man and I think that for a split second, Emily felt quite safe and reassured. But looks can be deceiving and I think that's maybe how "Ryan" gets his victims, by lulling them into a false sense of security with his looks before he goes in for the kill.

This is really scary! By now the stranger was stepping towards her, he gripped her skinny arm in a vice like grip, raising it towards his mouth. The reader knows what's coming next (or, thinks they know) but Emily is petrified and doesn't know what the hell is going on. She doesn't know what he is, she doesn't know who he is and she doesn't know what he is. And I think that's the scariest thing to read - the fear that Emily is experiencing.

This really really really intrigued me. [A] dark figure laid on top of the man. The man was receiving punches in the face, his nose was bleeding and his eyes were filled with rage. I was instantly intrigued as to who this could be because obviously Sean was mentioned later on whilst the fight was still going on. I wondered whether the person fighting could be Ian, but I'm not sure if the character of Ian in this story would really go in for a fight - he seems like too much of a nice guy. But I guess that looks can be deceiving and you should never underestimate anybody, because after all he does go out and kill. So yeah, I'll be interested to find out who this guy is (and the other guy who I'm currently referring to as Ryan, for that matter!) later on in the story.

I like the way that the part ended, with Sean being all mysterious. He laughed bitterly. "You don't wanna know." The reader knows who he is and I think that it's quite ironic that he's sort-of acting like he's unsafe, because he's quite the opposite - he's the vampire I'd most want to run into on a dark night because I know he wouldn't harm me (well, second most. I'd like to run into Gav the most, dead or not, despite the fact that he'd probably kill me. :coffee:) and would get me home safely. I like how he's looking out for Emily and will be interested to see why he chose to get Emily to safety, because I get the feeling that Sean's not a person who would interfere with other vampire's kills, especially with the threat he's currently under. I wouldn't be surprised if the other vampires are trying to find ways to kill him, even if he does end up doing what is asked of him.

Brill as always, I wish more people would read this.

*cries*

NOOOO GAV!!!!!!!!!!!

I actually stopped writing to review this as soon as I read that! Poor Gav! *mourns*

It's now 1am in the morning (:tehe:), let's see if I can leave some intelligible feedback. :lmfao

I absolutely adored this description. A few members of the pack had slithered off, going on a hunt. That description was amazing, I can really imagine them slinking off into the night to feed. It was great imagery and it makes the story seem so much more dark. It's really creepy and suits the mood of the story really well, especially when it comes to describing vampires.

I love the disgust you describe Aled with. Aled Phillips had been one of the few that had gone off to find an unsuspecting human to slay and drain. He was disgusting figure, one Sean never aspired to become. Sean just completely despises him; he thinks he's an absolutely filthy character and hates his aspirations and goals. I know it's explicitly stated that the two of them really hate one another but I really like that the reader is able to pick that up just from description in the story. It really emphasises how deep the anger and hate for each other goes.

It's really sad that he's already contemplating his end. He knew that if Aled and Gavin had anything to do with his death sentence, it would be slow and painful, and the pair of them would probably torture him beforehand. He knows exactly what it would be like because he knows that the pair of them are really sick, and fuelled with their hatred for him would mean that it would be pure torture for him. They wouldn't do it quickly and easily, they'd drag it out so that Sean would really suffer. I think he knows that his death sentence has already been laid out but he doesn't want to accept it; he wants to try and tell himself that he can sort things out.

This says a lot about Aled. It was in Aled's nature to be awful, so he figured that he'd jump at the chance to join in with such bloodthirsty acts. It's the fact that he "joins in", more than anything else. This shows that he's not a leader and he just follows the crowd. He doesn't think for himself and lets others make his decisions for him. He's easily led and often follows Gavin because he holds him in high regard.

I like that you've taken on board the fact that they're vampires. Ian came hurtling towards him at a speed humans could only dream of. I see some stories where the vampires don't do anything but suck blood, they have no other abilities. So it's nice to see a well-written story that doesn't just focus on fangs and drinking blood. It shows that you've really worked hard on developing the story and the characters and it helps the story to flow. It makes the vampires more believable (if that's the right word to use, what with the fact they don't really exist :lmfao) and the story makes more sense.

I think Ian is one of my favourite characters in this. I adore how you write him, I only seem to be able to write him as a man-whore which is a shame because I'd love to write Ian in the way that you do. He's just so caring and sweet! He stopped beside him, his eyes searching Sean's face for some sort of answer. "Don't do it." Aside from the fact that he really cares for Sean (he doesn't mind that the rest of the pack know that the two of them are friends), he really wants to make sure that he's okay. He wants to protect Sean, in a way, and fears for his safety because of what's gone on in the previous part.

Ian doesn't really have much regard for himself and I'm not sure he entirely likes the "life" that he's living. I don't fancy seeing you die, either, but, Sean, mate, it's what sets you apart from us. You're different. You are better than us, we're just disgusting. I think he cares more about Sean than he does about himself, it shows that he's a really selfless character. He knows that Sean is different and instead of mocking him like the other pack members do, he just embraces it and believes that this makes Sean better than the others, because of the fact that he can control his urges and can stop himself from killing innocent people.

But Sean has a different regard for him. I've always been the underdog, the filthy half breed. He believes what the rest of the pack think - that just because he's different, doesn't mean that he's important. He's resigned to the fact that he's the underdog and the guy that gets all the abuse; he's just accepted it by now. I also thought it was sweet that he tried to make Ian feel better about himself, even though Ian didn't really take the compliment well. It was interesting that the pair of them both tried to make the other feel better but failed. That was clever to put in.

Sean knows that he needs to do this alone. "This is my battle. Let me fight it, yeah? You've done enough for me over the time we've been in the pack." Although he knows that Ian would definitely be helpful to him, he doesn't want Ian to get killed as well, just because he helped him. He doesn't want to get anybody involved because he knows that it'll make things worse off for them - the only way he can really do anything about his problem is if he does it alone.

This made me feel scared when I first read it, and now I know who it belongs to, it makes me feel really sad as well. A sharp howling sound ripped through the airwaves. The sound of one of them, in pain, absolute agony. The howl sounded again, this time longer, louder. As soon as I read this I instantly knew that something bad had happened and I hoped it would be that something bad had happened to Aled, but no such luck. :coffee: This is just such a panicked noise and the pair of them instantly knew that somebody was in trouble. It's like a cry for help.

And the whole pack was drawn to it. Everyone was huddled in a circle, the ones at the back trying to see over heads to catch a glimpse of what was happening in the middle. I think that everybody is panicking, they want to know what has happened and if everybody is okay. It's really quite sad to read, nobody is entirely sure what is going on and they're just all huddled together, which would probably look pretty intimidating to any passers-by.

You know, it's a good thing that I'm not tired because if I tried to go to sleep then I'd have this thing haunting me :tehe: Gasps emitted around the crowd as they took in the familiar dark eyes, wide open with fear, blood bubbling up in the open mouth. The creature coughed, struggling to breathe, choking. Seriously, you are such a good horror writer. That was so creepy to read and it almost makes me want to cry now because I'm a complete saddo and know who it is. D: Yeah, pathetic I know. But as soon as I read this (the first time, at least) it was really worrying to read because everybody knew who it was. It really intrigued me as to how it happened and I now want to get REVENGE on whoever/whatever did it. :file: :lmfao :tehe: :shifty

Omg. When I read this the first time (and actually this time again, for that matter) I actually yelled out a little bit, even though it was about five to one (and now quarter to two). Seriously. I had to listen to his voice because I was that sad! Gavin Burrough, what a waste. He was a good one. NUUU GAV (I'm referring to him as Gav as to distinguish between Burrough and Butler). That's the only intelligible(ish) thing I have to say on the matter. :tehe: And this made me so sad. Gavin Burrough was a decent man, he went about his own business, and didn't mess with the dynamics of the pack. He didn't deserve to die under such horrible circumstances. Damn straight he didn't! He didn't deserve to die at all, poor Gav! *is still not over this, is it wrong I want to give him a cuddle?*

Okay, that'll be the only "omgno: Gav!" paragraph, I promise. I needed to let it out. :tehe: I'll hush now.

It was saddening to see that John didn't really care too much about the death. He threw his black cloak over Gavin, before addressing his son, "make sure this gets cleaned up before dawn." It shows that he's a man that shows little emotion, but to be honest the rest of the pack don't seem to be in touch with many emotions apart from anger and hatred. All he really seems to be worrying about is the mess that's been left behind.

And I think that Sean is most in touch with his emotions because of the human side of him. Sean stayed still, rooted to the ground...Out of everyone in the pack, Sean would've never chose Gavin to die. (I kind of cut and pasted the quote so I got the bits I wanted to go into more depth on) He doesn't quite know how to react to this, what with the fact that he didn't know Gav but he died in such a horrific way. He's a guy who stays in the background and minds his own business, but has somehow ended up right in the middle of something horrific.

The last paragraph was a perfect note to end on. His own problems now seemed so small. There was someone out there ready to kill, and Sean wasn't sure whether that murderous being was one of his own or a lethal human, and that thought scared him to death. (sorry for epic quotage) Sean is absolutely petrified and I think he'd prefer death by Gavin and Aled to death by whatever it was that killed Gav. He doesn't know what it was either and that really adds to the mystery of the story because it leaves the reader guessing about what it is.

Basically I love this story but you already know that. Hey, this feedback only took me an hour to leave, that's bloody good-going! I feel so proud :tehe:

I'm so excited for the next part!

I got so excited when I saw there was a notification email for this story in my inbox. :tehe: I'm gonna review this straight away. I love this story so much, but I guess you already know that. XD

The warehouse is so sinister, I love how you described it. It was dark, the roof leaked whenever it rained, the windows were broken, fragments of broken glass crunched under foot when anyone stepped inside the derelict building. It sounds like such an unappealing place and at the same time it is absolutely perfect for what the pack need, because the way you described it shows that it's a place where normal people wouldn't go. It's dangerous and scary...like the inhabitants, in a way. And I like the detail you went into, it really painted a clear image in my mind.

I thought that it was good that you touched on this. Meetings were never compulsory. It was too difficult to contain a bunch of their kind for long periods of time. It's like they're wild animals, in a way, difficult to keep under control because they have urges and some have less control than others. It's also like the pack doesn't really have many rules - it's basically whatever goes - because it's not as if they're forced to do anything. Well, apart from Sean later on, but I'll come to that in a few.

I think that this is the underlying cause of all Sean's problems. Having being around a human for most of his life had taught him not to be afraid, and it had also taught him that he couldn't force himself to feed. He knows how the "other half lives", so to say, and I think that because of this, he feels awkward trying to feed - he knows what it's like to live as a human, and knows that loss is a terrible thing to have to deal with. To some extent I think he's scared of hurting people.

And he misses his father so much. Every time he thought of chewing human skin, muscle, licking bones clean and drinking foul tasting crimson blood, his father's kind face would burst into his mind, giving him the strength to fight off those thoughts. I think his father is his inspiration, he only needs to think of him to remind him of what once was. He uses his father as a method to stop himself from losing control and I think that's quite a sweet thing to do (in a sort-of twisted way) because it shows that he loves his father and misses him like anything. And even though he'll never see his father again, he uses him as a reminder to stay strong.

I think that Sean is stronger than he gives himself credit for. The other fought against that, and that was the side that always won. The stronger side of him is the one that doesn't want to feed and embrace what he has become, I think that it's the more human-like side of him. He seems to have a lot to deal with, and I don't think that the constant struggle inside himself really helps - it just worsens things.

As soon as I read this, I knew that something was up. A meeting had been called the morning after Sean had saved the drunken teenager from being mauled to death. This one had been deemed 'compulsory' by the head of the pack. Immediately alarm bells began to ring in my head, because it was mentioned earlier that meetings are never compulsory. I instantly thought that it was something to do with Sean (my incline was right) and I wondered whether that enough was enough, and they were going to chuck him out of the pack or something. I knew that it had to be something of vital importance though, because of the pack leader actually laying down an instruction that everybody had to follow.

Sean is so uncomfortable here. Sean edged his way through the crowd, trying not to come into much physical contact with anyone. Everyone still smelt of human death from the previous night, and the stench was making him gag. Everybody here is a reminder of what he is, and I get the feeling that he tries to pretend that he's a normal person a lot of the time. And when he's with everybody, he's reminded that he's just like them. Even though he doesn't want to be. And he's also uncomfortable because he knows that he's not exactly well-liked.

The worst thing is that Sean knows that he should be feeding. Ian's hair still hung limply in front of his dark eyes, but he looked a lot more alive than he had a day ago. His feed had done him the world of good. On the previous day, Ian was a complete mess and although it's not perfect, he looks better and Sean has noticed this. I think that Ian's the only person he pays great attention to, because of the fact that he's the only person in the pack who cares about him. He wants to make sure that Ian's alright.

The description here of John was amazing. His dark hair had specks of grey in it, showing wisdom, not age. His face was still youthful, his eyes still held a premature glimmer in them. He's youthful and mature at the same time. I assume that he's one of the oldest there, which is why he's the leader, and the way you've described him makes me feel quite in-awe of him.

This really brings across the point that Sean is scared. By the end of John's speech, Sean's already pale face had become almost translucent. What with the fact that he is a vampire, it's already established that he's very pale. And the fact that he doesn't feed indicates that he'll be very pale. So the fact that Sean becomes even more pale shows just what fear and pressure he's feeling right now. It actually makes me feel for him, because I got an instant feeling that John doesn't do things by halves.

The introduction of Aled into the story was brilliant. Aled Phillips was the monster to John Butler's Frankenstein. Aled just comes across as such an intimidating person and the fact that he's a victim-turned-bully says a lot about him. It shows that he's a person who is easily led, and if pushed will change himself in order to fit in. I don't like him much, and I'm interested to see where you're going to be taking this character.

It's like Sean's fate has already been decided before the full moon has arrived. It had been a long time since anyone of them had been killed, and since every single one of them, besides Ian, hated Sean and looked down on him for being weak, they were relishing in the fact that he would most likely be killed very soon. Sorry for quoting a bit. The pack already know that he's weak and have already assumed that he can't do it. And they're already planning ways to kill him. I think they get a bigger thrill from killing one of their own because it's a challenge for them. They know that he's weak and the chances of him going through with it are definitely less than the chances of him failing.

I like how the chapter ended open-ended. For the first time, Sean Smith was beginning to question his beliefs. Is this going to be a turning-point for Sean, or is he going to just carry on as normal? I'm definitely intrigued. I love this story a lot and it's so frustrating that there aren't more people leaving feedback! Because this is brilliant, my favourite chaptered on here for sure.

YES YES YES, I love this! (in case you can't tell!) My favourite by you. Definitely. This is amazing. One of my favourite stories on mibba, to be honest, and there's only been two parts posted so far! I'm so excited for the rest of this.

Instantly, Sean is a mystery. He was a shadow in the night. I like this description, it doesn't give too much away, but it gives enough away for the reader to understand that Sean may not be human. This was a great way to open it, and the fact that he's a shadow in the night implies that he doesn't stand out - because it's dark at night and shadows are stronger in the day because of the sun. I loved that, it was very clever.

What a great description of him! His pale face, with his almost translucent skin, dark circles decorating the portion underneath his bloodshot eyes. I love how you don't say exactly what he is, either, because it adds to the mystery (especially when he's called a half and half, but I'll come to that in a little while) of his character. I can really picture him vividly in my mind, and he comes across as a kind-of weak character, especially when you described his eyes, with dark circles underneath and bloodshot. There's something not quite right here.

And here, this emphasises the fact that Sean's weak. they'd banish him, and he couldn't go it alone. He can't do things alone, he needs help from others. He's not strong enough to live by himself, he needs the stability of a pack because he knows that he needs to be watched and taken care of. He knows that he's not able to live on his own because he wouldn't survive.

But despite this reliance on them, he still hates them. He hated them all, to him they were all murderous, blood thirsty tyrants. Can't live with them, can't live without them. With this statement...I don't know, I guess it makes him come across as a slightly cocky individual. It's almost as if he thinks that he's better than them, and he doesn't really view any of them as individuals, he just sees them as all being the same. He doesn't bother differentiating between anybody.

This was intriguing. He was special, one of a kind. He was half and half, so his needs weren't the same. Although I know what his other half is (:tehe:) it's intriguing that he's not the same as the others and it immediately made me wonder whether this was the reason why he hated the rest of the pack - because none of them are the same as him. And I loved how he described himself as "special" because he was different. It's almost as if he thinks that he's better than them.

And he's just a laughing stock amongst them because of the way he treats his "victims". He was at the bottom of the pile, the runt of the litter, the weakling. They don't respect him for what he does, and for this he's bottom of the pecking order. Nobody truly cares about him and this is why he hates them - yet he can't survive without them, which is quite significant, giving the fact that he's the laughing stock of them all. They still do look after him, to some extent because he is one of them - admittedly only half, though.

I like the detail you've gone into. Sean held his breath and fought an internal battle with himself as he followed the staggering teenage mess to his front door. It's really apparent at how drunk the teenager is. For starters, he doesn't notice Sean following him, and secondly the fact that he's a staggering mess implies that he's a bit more than simply worse for wear. You wrote his drunkenness well - it wasn't explicitly described, but with the few words used to describe him, you brought it across so well and that's a technique I'm really jealous of you having, it's amazing. XD

But he's struggling to stay fully in control. he wanted to grab the next human that dared pass him and rip them to pieces, to satisfy the need that had been building up inside him for so long now. There's a constant battle inside his head, he wants to stay strong and fight it, but it's not always possible. And he knows that he's on the brink of losing control, but he's desperately fighting the urge because he doesn't want to end up the same as everybody else in his pack.

I love how informal Gavin is towards him. "Smith!" He doesn't even bother to call Sean by his first name, sometimes being on first name terms can seem too friendly and I'm pretty sure that Gavin wants to be anything but friendly towards Sean - he's completely hostile towards him. He doesn't want to show any emotion to him apart from hatred. But the feelings are pretty mutual between the pair of them, so there's no love lost here.

I cut a bit out of the middle, just because it meant my quote wouldn't be epically long. Gavin Butler smirked from above him...He laughed bitterly. "You're fucking pathetic, Smith." Gavin seems to think he's above everybody else, and he has a sort-of superiority complex about himself. He thinks that because he's one of the top members of the pack, he can push everybody around - more so Sean because he's the laughing stock. I can see something bad happening between them in the future if they're not careful, I'm interested to see where you're going to take this whole Sean and Gavin thing.

Sean wants to fight him, he wants to attack. But he knows that he'd come off worse. The other tiny proportion of him knew he couldn't do that. I guess that in a way he's a little bit scared of Gavin, and he's scared of losing because he knows he's a little weakling and wouldn't have a hope in hell of beating Gavin in a fight.

And this just reiterates the fact that Gavin doesn't respect Sean in the slightest. Gavin laughed once more, before spitting in his face and leaving. Spitting is just so low and disgusting, and it just seals the fact that Sean's the bottom of the pecking order and most likely always will be. Nobody seems to hold him in really high regard, in all honesty. He's just the universal laughing stock to everybody (except Ian).

I like how Ian isn't written as some sexy flawless being, it's nice to see him as a bit of a mess for a change. Ian's greasy hair hung in his eyes, his chin was decorated with flecks of dark stubble, and his lips were stained with blood. Looks or impressions don't seem to be very high on the agenda for him, he doesn't mind that he's got stubble, blood on his lips and his hair is greasy, and he doesn't mind about people knowing he's friends with Sean. I think Watkins is my favourite character in this story, there seems to be more to him than meets the eye.

Ian is constantly searching for solutions to Sean's problem. Or why don't you kill animals? We have to do that when there's no humans around. But it seems like Sean doesn't want to help himself at times. He'd prefer to be weak than become a murderer, which is fair enough, and he doesn't want to kill animals either. It makes me wonder how he survives.

I really like this part, too. I am in love with this story and I can't wait for more. This is amazing!

:arms:

I told you I'd come and review this tonight. :tehe: Fancy this, an update and you don't have to wait for me to review! A new experience, I know. :lmfao

Anyway. You know that I love this, and I'm putting a link to this on my homepage because I'm really into this and can't wait to see what you're planning on doing with this! I'm so excited to read more, you have no idea! XD

Great opening. Night time. I love the simplicity in this. It's nothing too fancy and just tells it like it is. It sets up what is later going to occur in the story with just two words. It's like, the words "night time" are the backbone of the story and is where the majority of the story takes place. And then you go on to describe the night in great detail, which really helped me to take in the story and it also set the scene incredibly well.

I don't know whether you intended this, but this just sounds so...ominous and I'm not sure why. the moon hung high, inflicting it's luminous glow onto earth below. It's like...when the moon comes out, it inflicts the glow onto the earth, rather than just shine down. It's a clever description and symbolises the fear and worry that a lot of people have when it becomes dark. It's almost like the moon inflicts the fear into them, and that's quite a scary thing because I've always viewed the moon to be really safe. Clever.

And then the slight humour, to contrast it. A time for insomniacs to stare at television screens, purchasing useless objects from bid up TV to waste the agonisingly slow hours of the night. I love that you put that little bit in, about having to resort to buying stuff from bid up TV (a channel so boring that it sends you to sleep anyway) because they can't think straight due to lack of sleep, but they can't seem to nod off. So they just sit there, alienated by the channel and just buying for the sake of it.

Sorry for quoting a lot here. She'd sit in a chair, reading love stories to try and flood her mind with positive and happy thoughts, hoping it would sway her dreams to end up the same way. It's obvious that Emily is a bit of an optimist. She wants to believe that if she reads love stories and goes to bed in a good frame of mind, she won't be haunted by all these nightmares and scary things. She wants to believe that if she's happy and content, she'll dream about happy things. But I think that she knows deep down inside herself, it's useless.

Again, really scary. Cold sweat clinging to her skin and soaking her duvet. It's descriptions like this that really show off what an amazing writer you are. I don't lie when I say you've got such a talent, you're actually one of my favourite writers on the site to tell the truth. This description is just so spooky and kind of intimidating. I love it!

It's obvious just how affected she is. She'd end up with tears streaming down her cheeks, sobs racking her terrified body This isn't just a bad dream that can be remedied with a good book to calm her nerves, or a warm drink. This is petrifying her in such a big way, and it's not something that can just go away. She's not in full control of anything at night and I think this scares her most. Something is taking control of her dreams and scaring her witless.

I loved this. She felt like a small child most of the time, not a twenty two year old woman. She's told herself that it's only children that can get scared by bad dreams and she's convinced that she's a freak because she just gets so affected by these horrific nightmares and bad dreams. She thinks that only small children should cry after a dream, which is why she feels so bad and immature. And it immediately makes me feel sorry for her because she shouldn't have to go through this feeling of self-hate just because of these nightmares that are out of her control.

And she never knows what to expect, either. They weren't reoccurring dreams, it was different every night. She knows that she'll be having nightmares, but she never knows what they'll be about. It's like she's annoyed at herself because she won't be able to brace herself for what's going to happen because it'll all be unexpected. They're just different. Always horrible, but never the same thing twice.

OMG FFAF TRILOGY! /fangirl faceless men who shielded their heads with dark hoods. Yeah cause I'm a fangirl for FFAF I picture these as the characters from the FFAF trilogy (a screencap from the second video is in my ava). And to be honest, the faceless men are kinda scary. They ruthlessly go around shooting and killing anybody they see with their two fingers. So in all honesty I bloody love this description because I can assosiate it with something that I'm familiar with, and it helps me to picture the story better.

This is really sad. Emily was truly alone and isolated. No one understood what she was going through. Nobody understands her because they haven't experienced how petrifying they all are. They haven't woken up sobbing or upset, they haven't lived it. They're just disregarding what she's experiencing as an overreaction to a bad dream and it's really sad to see.

And she's even convinced herself that she's being irrational, in a way. The doctors and her parents had put it down to an over active imagination. It's almost like she's accepted the fact that she's making a mountain out of a molehill, but me? I'm not so sure. There's definitely something very sinister afoot here and I can't wait to see what's going to become of this.

Ending was perfect. The cause of her nightmares was like a rhetorical question. There was no answer for them. I've got a feeling that the cause of the nightmares is going to be addressed here, and in all honesty I can't wait to find out! Hopefully the rhetorical question will stop being a rhetorical question, and there will be an answer for her fears and why she's feeling this way.

I can't wait to read more! :arms:

You're a really really good writer! Unlike most people, you actually give details, which is a good thing. :D