July 10th, 2009 at 05:51pm
Okay. You took my shitty ass banner and turned it into an amazing story.
I absolutely love it. And, even though you won't need it, good luck. ^-^
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I loved how you opened it, the metaphor was beautiful. His voice rings throughout the silence like the resounding sound of a wind chime It's evident right from the start that there's something about Die that's not quite normal, he's different but this isn't established right when the story opens, leaving the reader to ponder until the second paragraph. The metaphor that you used here is really abstract and it's also really beautiful. It fits the mood of the story incredibly well, too.
This is just so sad, and this is when we know. It may sound like his voice, silky smooth and glorious to the long dormant ear, but it’s not his voice. It never will be, not until I myself sink into the depths of the ocean This isn't Die, it's just an illusion of him that only Kyo can see. And he knows that it's not really Die, but he still goes there because he just wants the comfort of being near him. I also like the fact that it's not really described how Die died, it's just hinted that he drowned but it's not explicitly stated, which is good. I like it in stories when some things are left to the reader's imagination.
This was so beautiful. But he was summer for me, the sunshine in my life, the personification of the sweet fragrance of meadows and the warmth of the waves trickling over exposed toes. He's Kyo's summertime all year round, he brings the sunshine when it's raining and Kyo only has to look at him to think of summer. It's a pretty description and I like the way you're giving hints and little facts about Die's character rather than bombarding the reader with facts.
I get the impression that Kyo remembers every detail about these "meetings" (if that's the right word to use?) because it's like he wants Die to be real again. He doesn’t look a day older than the last time I saw him He wants to believe that Die is living on, that he's still alive and he hasn't really died. So every time he sees him, he wants to see Die aging because that's proof that he exists. But he never does and I think that there's a part of Kyo that wonders whether he's going mad because he's the only person that can see Die.
This is kind of saddening. I can’t bring myself to call him by his nickname. It shows the Kyo is still really affected by Die's death, he wants to convince himself that this Die that he's seeing isn't real, so he shouldn't get attached to him and give him his nickname because if something happens then he doesn't want to go through the pain of losing Die for a second time.
This was also really sad to read, and shows that Kyo isn't really coping. a soft smile drifting across my lips before disappearing back into the blank mask I’ve been wearing for countless days He wants to hide behind a smile, he's pretending that everything is okay and he's living for the times when he can come up here and see Die. And it's sad that he's consigned himself to this life, he doesn't seem to be able to let go and I think he thinks that if he comes here enough, Die will become real again.
I liked how you brought in aspects of the outside world. He thinks I’m deranged, dangling off the edge of a rotting pier, talking to thin air. I like how you described the way that others look at him, it gives the reader a better impression of Kyo and he knows that people think he's mad because of what he's doing, but I don't think he cares because he just wants to spend time with Die, and he knows that he isn't mad so that's the most important thing to him.
This was just...you brought across Kyo's sadness really well. I swallow the lump in my throat and attempt to smile again, but looking at him doesn’t help hold back the tears threatening to break free and destroy the carefully constructed mask I’ve built to hide behind. He's just a shell of the man he used to be, he was whole when Die was still alive, and now that he's died, he's broken apart and he's lost a piece of himself. It shows that he hides behind a smile to get through each day, pretending to himself that everything is okay and the fact that he describe it as a "carefully constructed mask" shows that people believe he's okay, and some days he actually believes it too.
This shows just how much the pair of them are made for one another. Of course, he can see through it. He always could, always, with those black eyes of his reaching deep into my soul. He can tell when something is up, he's connected to Kyo in some way and perhaps this is why Die hasn't disappeared yet - Kyo won't let him drift from his mind and they're still connected in some way or another.
Loved this description. the delicate rise and fall of the bones hidden by porcelain skin, the slight glow of his translucent form intriguing He really is like a spectral body, and I loved how you described this because you got this just right. He really is portrayed as a ghost, rather than some sort of an illusion and looking 100% real. I love the fantasy element that you brought into it, this was really great. Absolutely beautiful description too, I'd like to add.
This shows the love they share for one another. But in the end, I just blurt out what I’m thinking, knowing that he doesn’t care if I make a fool of myself. Neither of them really mind what the other says, no matter how silly or absurd it might be, because they're just together and that's all they need. They both have comfort in that, and I think it was a nice thing to add because it brings another dimension to their relationship.
I liked how you added a lighter bit in. “Well I assume it does, since everything is much, much better when I’m involved.” I love how you made Die a little bit cocky and it was funny how he said it, and it was good to put this bit in because it lightens the mood for the ending of the piece and it's not sad all the way through.
The ending was great, too. “Of course, Daisuke, of course.” I like stories that end with speaking because it leaves something open-ended for the reader to ponder. And again, he doesn't use Die's nickname because it hurts him to much to say, and he knows that Die isn't truly real so he doesn't want to get to a stage where he's completely dependant on him in case he loses him again.
Loved this, sorry about the wait. First of all, the new FFAF thread was made, which distracted me until quite late on yesterday night. And then I was too tired to carry on so I decided to review this morning. Then school called me in and I had to perform. And when I got home we had a power cut so I've finished this off, running my laptop off the battery and hoping it wouldn't run out. Luckily I've finished, I'll post this as soon as the power comes back on. Sorry about the wait. :arms: