September 1st, 2010 at 01:37pm
I really liked how this piece portrayed how difficult it is to love someone who's using. It was very sad to read, which is good, because writing should make you feel. I did notice that some of the sentences were a bit choppy, which isn't too big of a deal, and I do think that if you're going to put a space between paragraphs, you should do it for all of them and not just one.
Erik decided to give Logan a week. In his head, he knew better than to bother Logan was he was still fuming,
I'm not sure what you meant to say, but I figured I should bring it to your attention that you said "was he was".
Besides that, I didn't really find any other errors, which I liked. This was a great piece. Thanks for entering. (:
Reviewed as per choice
Title - Permission
For some strange reason it made me think of school permission slips and wheedling my mother into letting me go to my bestie's party. Hehe.
Relevant; as always.
Rated: 10/10
Layout
Nothing new here. Same as the last two.
Rated: 5.5/10
Content
The broken promises that started with “I promise not to do it again”, and ended with empty syringes laying next to Erik’s abused body.
^the sentence seems a little broken, as if it's not done yet or something. But apart from that, this such an emotional description. Lovely
He knew Logan wasn’t strong enough to endure this. He pushed Logan until he couldn’t take it anymore.
^until who couldn't take it anymore? Wait, I'm sort of confused. I think it's because I'm hungry. o.O
It all tumbled out in a mess of heartache, hatred and confusion, and before Logan could realize what he had said, Erik was gone.
^Logan, you f*cking idiot. Take a chill pill and calm down bro! Erik does not need yo drama right now.
Another Ace card on the emotion.
...but in his heart he knew he had to go back just to see Logan one last time, even if Logan was still mad and really meant that he never wanted to see him again.
^awh.
...but in his heart he knew he had to go back just to see Logan one last time, even if Logan was still mad and really meant that he never wanted to see him again. Logan was sitting on the front porch Indian style with...
^If you split this up like this:
...but in his heart he knew he had to go back just to see Logan one last time, even if Logan was still mad and really meant that he never wanted to see him again.
Logan was sitting on the front porch Indian style with...
it would flow better and the time phases wouldn't clash together.
But in his heart, he loved Erik and he knew he would do anything to help him, even if he didn’t love him.
“I forgive you.”
^Well, finally! Personally I think Logan should be apologizing too but meh...ignore me for now.
Overall
Uber awesome idea. I liked this story very, very much. No rainbow and chocolate covered lovey dovey bullshit. Just two people in love who are fighting with a demon that haunts them.
Rated: 1000/10
:)