Viva Loss Vegas - Comments

This is interesting so far. It's a nice change from what most people write.

If you ever have any questions about casinos or gambling, you can always ask me. I'm from Vegas. ^^*

OOh I LOVE this already!
*subscribes!*

Story review game
I'll be reviewing as I read so I hope that's ok for you :cute:

First off it has to be said I love the title. It's pretty clever seeing as you're going to confront the whole issue of gambling. I like the double meaning to it: the loss of money and then as you mentioned in your summary the loss of personality. It'll be interesting to see how you tackle this.

From the start you can tell that Ronnie is very ambitious and likes the expenisive things in life. He has his swanky apartment and the best designer furnishings. You can tell he's used to the best and that he's not exactly strapped for cash. He is a bit arrogant but then at the same time he won't say exactly how much he has in his bank balance. He seems very confidant and not overly clique as a rockstar.

(With backstage passes, because I used to be in a band) you don't need to capitalize the 'w' of with.

It's nice that you create Oli as Ronnie's best friend because you can imagine them to actually get along well. But here he does seem to be a different influence on Ronnie, he's the more reluctant one out of the two and doesn't really want to face the whole debacle of going out and being followed. Ronnie seems to almost revel in that kind of attention.

It's interesting to see the way that Ronnie is attracted to Vega and what he finds so appealing about it. The description you wrote was very good and I think that the whole over the top aspect of Vegas seems to apply to Ronnie.

After we delved further into central Vegas. there should be a space before you continue with the next bit of dialouge.

This line was a little bit confusing especially the 'stood out' part of it/I looked around for somewhere to start, and as we came around a corner, stood out, golden on the corner was The Golden Nugget Casino. It lived up to it’s name, I’d never seen so much gold in my entire life. You might want to rephrase and I'd suggest shortening the sentence, it's a bit long and maybe a semi colon would be more effective especially after It lived up to it's name.

Your description of the casino was good, you managed to describe the atmosphere very well specifically when you mentioned the poker faces. Reminds me of the Lady GaGa song :tehe:

It was a little confusing when you said that Ronnie fits in the casino perfectly when earlier on you stated that he felt out of place but that might just be me and my slow mind.

Remember to always start you dialogue on a new line, other wise it gets lost in the paragraphs.

It's interesting to see how his ego grows as he spends longer in the casino, especially when he gets recognized. It seems to draw him more into the world because he feels that now he is associated with the high crowds that are linked to Vegas and the casinos.

You ended on a good note and obviously an intriguing one. Ronnie has already won some money and because of the information you provided at the start and in your summary, the reader has a vague idea of what is going to happen now.

So I hope this was useful to you, it was a well written piece.

Um, so this was kind of AMAZINGGG. I loved everything about it, from the Vegas description, to the drinks they picked at the Golden Nugget, to the last sentence! Ha, I'm soooooo in love with this story already.

I cannot wait until the next chapter, and I also can't wait until things get all dramatic. And I want Ronnie to fall in loveeeee! :D

LOVE IT!

Reviews aren’t my strongest point but I’m going to give this my best :]

I like it, short and sweet, perfect for a prologue in my opinion, you didn’t over do it, and certainly didn’t under do it either, you left it nice and open, made people ask questions about what’s to come.

Right then, as of yet I haven’t picked out anything to criticize, and I love stories in a diary format, the voice of the protagonist was really strong, which is something I often see people struggle with in a story in this format. So good job with being able to pull it off unlike a lot of people.

Your opening line (ignoring the date at the top) was intriguing and well worded. With the second sentence, for some reason I think the word “particularly” has a better ring to it than “especially”, in my opinion it fits the narrative better, but its your story not mine so I’ll shush about it.

I liked the introduction of the protagonist, much like the whole thing was short and fitted in perfectly, if you’d have done a long introduction it would have destroyed the whole thing so again; good job.

The little summaries of what happened gave me an insight on what’s to come, and set expectations in terms of plot development, you’ll just have to make sure you hit them and don’t forget what was originally written or readers might grow frustrated.

It was the end of the piece that I enjoyed most.

My problem was, I didn’t know how, or when, to stop.

January 5th was when my downfall started. And trust me, it didn’t take long for the press and the paparazzi to notice either.

So I’m giving you this one piece of advice, now I’m going to tell you why you should use it.

I don’t really know what it was about it; it may have been a combination of language choice and the sentence structure. Talking of sentence structure you have the perfect balance of short to long in here so it’s neither long and hard to follow and not too short and snappy.

All in all a good piece of work :cute:

I adore it! I shall be one of the biggest fans of this story, too! :D I looooove it! Can't wait for the next update, my darling!

I love it! :D I can't wait to read more. :D

It's only the summary, and I'm already in love with it. You know that's a good sign, darling! Cannot wait until the first chapter is out! :mrgreen: