I'll Look After You - Comments

One Shot For One Shot!

This was kind of confusing :XD But I'm no big fan of the show, so maybe that's why I don't really get all of it :shifty

Anyway, though confused, I liked this, it was sweet, though still showing some darkness, thinking about the conversation he have with Thomas - to me it's hinting to that he's more in hell than heaven, or someone/something is stopping him from coming to heaven. And also part because of the last sentence, Both men knew, the end of the storm was near. it shows for that there is something really bad that will happen.

Thomas was now reassuringly stroking his cheek. Henry leaned his head in lovingly to the touch. Like a young child receiving comfort from a parent.
This part is so sweet, I really like it. And the detail about how comforting he feels by the touch is really nice.

It was a good story, all and all :arms:

I seriously adored this like seriously, seriously.
The descriptions were just ... asbjjg :cheese:
I loved it.

I loved this. I absolutely adore Jonathan Rhys Meyers. :cheese:

I thought it was really well written.

“Thomas could you hear me, wherever you are,” Henry whispered,

This might just be me, but shouldn’t could be can? And after ‘wherever you are’, shouldn’t there be a question mark? Or even after ‘hear me’ and making them into separate sentences? :think:

“See the guilt and grief I bear from loosing you,”

Shouldn’t loosing be losing?

Henry fluttered his eyes opened.

Shouldn’t opened be open?

Though I am deep peril,

I think you missed out the in, in that sentence.

Anyway, this was really good. I like your vocabulary and descriptions, especially the one when Henry is crying and the use of river imagery. However, I think, as this is a one-shot based in 1536 you should maybe use language from that time? You used a lot of modern words, such as can't which I'm pretty sure wasn't used in that era. Do correct me if I am wrong, though.

It was interesting seeing a story about Henry VIII though, I've never seen something like it before. Well done. :arms:

Oh my god, this was wonderful, I really love it. It was beautiful.

..Interesting.

Some parts, for me, felt really off, but I think there's seriously something wrong with my sight; I can't read anything once through.

I did really enjoy this though. It was pretty beautiful. & I love how you use this pairing. Not many people could pull this off, you know.

Story/Review Game

I really loved how you began the story. It had a good tone to it, and the reader got a feel for the character - who he was, what he was feeling at that moment, et cetera.

As I read, I wanted to know more about Thomas. How did he die? What was he to Henry, besides a mentor and friend? How did he and Henry meet? If you included the answers to these, I missed them. Anyways, I just wanted to know more about who he was and his position in the story.

Henry remembered what Thomas told him one time. If Thomas were gone, that Henry should remember what Thomas would say if times were down.
This sounds kind of awkward.

It felt like a stabbing pain. It throbbed in time with his heartbeat.
Instead of this, I would do something like "It was a stabbing pain - one that throbbed in time with his heartbeat." Saying that it felt like a stabbing pain instead of it was seems less dramatic and less real.

I really enjoyed the flashback.
“Oh Harry if only you knew.”
Henry slowly sat up and tilted his head in confusion.
“Thomas? What you talking about? Are you being held captive somewhere? Tell me!”
It seems like he's jumping the gun here. While I don't know that if it's a foreshadowing attempt, it just seems weird that he automatically assumes he's being help prisoner.

The ending was my favorite. I loved how you described how the man looked down at Henry. The last line was my favorite of the whole thing - it was a very nice closure, and was also a great beginning. It was a wonderful way to end it. :mrgreen:

I did find a few puncuation and grammar mistakes, like missing words in sentences and missing commas. Other than that, it was quite good.

REVIEW:

Henry VIII the king of England lied on his back staring absent-mindedly at the ceiling.
Good imagery.

In this line, you need to delete one of these two words because it makes the line repetitive. The only few things Henry had left of him was a tiny silver cross he found in Thomas’ pool of blood and memories. Since it is only one item, I suggest deleting the word few and making the word things singular.

This is the wrong word, it is supposed to be losing you here, “See the guilt and grief I bear from loosing you,”

I love this line, The world was crumbling around him and no one was there to pick up the pieces. He felt so alone.

You're missing a word in this sentence, maybe to between these words, And in his misery he closed his eyes. His quiet sobs then slowly died down whimpers.

I think you should remove two words from this sentence, for they are not needed, And like he for many nights during his period in hell, he cried himself to sleep.

You're missing the word in in this sentence between these words, Though I am deep peril, suffering, you are still in my heart Harry.

Nice ending to the story/chapter.
Overall it was very interesting, nice job.
:)

Story Review

I love how the story flows, it doesn't leave me confused as to what is happening.
I don't normally read stories of this sort but I like it because you make it easy to understand the earlier day language without selling it out.
I honestly can't of anything thats wrong with it.
Your spelling doesn't make me want to kill myself like in alot of stories.
There is some mystery in it leaving me wanting more and thats something every chaptered story should have. :)
Great Job

o and i forgot to put amazing vocab =p

i love your speech the words all fit together perfectly all thow i was a little confused at 1st towards the middlle i started to understand great job i think you just need somthing to make reader's want to no more =]
o and sorry about to reading it last night i fell alseep my bad=p i hope you like my storey even if your not into the whole twligh thing lol

“Thomas could you hear me, wherever you are,” Henry whispered, “I know, we are still unsure but I have a glimmer of hope this can get to you. I need you. I am hurting inside and out.”

That's my favorite part.

This is very well-written. And your vocabulary is out of this world!

Henry VIII the king of England lied on his back staring absent-mindedly at the ceiling.
Thought this was a really good beginning, made me go "oo" at the character, and how you have him 'staring absent-mindedly' is a really good way to lead on and tell the story in the style of the characters thoughts.

A single tear rolled down his eye as Henry started to open the first three buttons of his doublet and tuck himself into bed. Thought this was very effective, as you made it it's own paragraph, although the 'a single tear' part ruined it a bit as it's a rather cliche thing.

The 'flashback' in the italics was really good too, and goes back to what I said about the first line.

Both men knew, the end of the storm was near.
Excellent ending. Really leads onto the next paragraph.

Overall, I thought this was written really well. You used some interesting vocabulary, and the description was written really well.
Well done.