December 10th, 2009 at 04:44am
Carpathia - Comments
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Wow. You have a beautiful way with words. I feel as though I'm still in middle school compared to this. I need to start reading dictionaries. I applaud you, this was amazing.August 14th, 2009 at 06:26am
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:arms: your writing again. That makes me happy. Gosh...this is beautiful, your words are beautiful. To be frank, you're the reason I write original fiction. You give us such a good name. Sorry for the my lackness, it's going on three in the morning, and I feel lame...but I had to say that before I forgot.July 19th, 2009 at 09:47am
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Let’s go back to the very beginning and start with the summary.
An evil prince suffers the loss of his beloved wife during the Romanian Middle Ages.
I applaud you on coming up with an original and interesting idea, you don’t see much of that nowadays. It really makes me happy to see a piece with creativity and thought put behind the plot and setting.
You had oceans for eyes--so I thought, a vast abyss of blue and grey as if they were the remains of a smoldering life that had been extinguished by a wave of blood and gold.
Your description is just wonderful, really, it defines the physical characteristics through metaphors, but it doesn’t overdo it as to make the story sound like a walking thesaurus.
These things personified the depth in which I loved you: the soft curve of the hip, the ivory skin, the dew-drenched eyes, everything that met the standard for a beautiful, royal wife.
I love this sentence not only because it uses striking and memorable descriptions, but it also really makes the story sound as if it’s been told by the character and not by the author, which takes quite a bit of talent.
And just a general note, you’re one on the few authors I’ve seen that knows how to use an exclamation point in the right way to make it add to the tone of voice and story.
As my mind struggled to process this news, a stroke of horror and agony crossed me; I began to feel a black demon choking my heart with a devilish grin on its beastly face. But then blood cells began to burst in my old eyes, my hands had become white with a tight grip, and the insides of my iron body were smelted into nothing.
Your imagery is simply amazing, I can see so vividly what you picture in this paragraph, the demon seems so real. And the pure emotion in it is brilliant, especially in the second sentence quoted there.
It was always you, always you. We were two vines, growing upon a single stake. God created us as one, an entity divided in two, destined to find each other in one lifetime or another. I have no doubt that you were--are, my other half. And now I've lost you. I am no longer whole, I am no longer a man.
This paragraph encompasses tragedy and beauty together with every word. It’s so breathtaking and painful that you feel empathy for this “bastard, monster, and abomination”. It really reflects the double edged sword of the ruler’s personality in a spectacular way.
I loved you so much that you made me miserable, and I made you miserable.
This sentence has so much meaning and power behind it, it knocks you back. It takes a while to really process carefully, I’m still mulling it over in my head, extracting meaning.
The conversation between the two is so real and so believable for the time period, which I commend you on. It also develops the characters a little, the wife a little more so than the husband.
The dwindling minutes I had to pull you by the arm and snatch you back into my life disappeared as quickly as the shallow bruise it would have laid, and I could not unhinge my bones from their locked position as I listened to a sharp breath hitch in your throat during that dark night hour.
Seriously, man, I am so jealous of your imagery in this piece. It’s so beautiful in such a dark way. It makes me want to read this story over and over and over again. Really, just brilliant.
All these I-never-meants will never bring you back. What a sorry creature I am.
I don’t know why it seems a bit stiff to me; maybe it’s just my style of writing kicking in. I love how he establishes himself as a creature in the end.
There were a few mistakes, but I think the aforementioned person pointed them all out to you. I really did love this piece, it was original, captivation, and breathtaking. It was well enough written to take me to the setting, to lose me in the words. It's one of those stories that you can tell the author put a lot of thought and effort it. It was breathtaking and thought provoking. You really are an amazing author.July 19th, 2009 at 05:05am -
OMG THANK YOU :brightside:
I haven't gotten a proper review in a loooooooooooong time.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:14pm -
:cheese:
Holyalkfjlsdkfjalfjalg:cheese:
You had oceans for eyes--so I thought, a vast abyss of blue and grey as if they were the remains of a smoldering life that had been extinguished by a wave of blood and gold. You had rubies for lips, and a vast stretch of wooded land for hair, tangled with a strange magic I had only ever seen in mountain ranges. But still beautiful; still long and full and curvaceous, like a river carving its way through a mountain for hundreds of years.
I absolutely adore how you began this piece. The imagery and description is brilliant and beautiful all at once. I honestly haven't read any beginning that beautiful in so long it's ridiculous.
I never thought all those carefully woven gowns could suffocate you to death with the cruelty, absurd ideals, and high social status that accompanied those who were royal.
I love how...even with the disbelief, understanding is still heavy in this sentence. It's lovely.
I desperately I would have heard it, but the call of victory blinded me from your desperation.
This sentence confused me a bit...possibly the wrong use of a word. :tehe:
I like the idea behind it though.
I didn't know what made me so distant and cold and cruel--perhaps it was war, but I never once moved from my elaborately fashioned throne.
I loveee that the main character addressed their faults. Mostly, especially in stories...as well as in real life, I find people only blame. It's refreshing to read something this real while also touching down on that.
I began to feel a black demon choking my heart with a devilish grin on its beastly face. But then blood cells began to burst in my old eyes, my hands had become white with a tight grip, and the insides of my iron body were smelted into nothing. I can't even begin to say how beautiful this is....there honestly are no words.
Sweat often beaded across my forehead when we were conveniently left alone together; it was as though, after years of marriage, that we were strangers.
This pure honestly and heart almost made me cry. Just the simple realization that things were still awkward between the two. Just...that acknowledgment of the weird feelings is brilliant.
As for the small section of dialogue...I thought it was brilliantly placed, and I absolutely adored () the use of the old language. The way you presented the superstitions, and the way you placed the story in that time period...adapting to it and everything left me stunned.
God...honestly? I loved it. It is an absolutely beautiful piece, and I'm shocked to see it had no comments. This one doesn't nearly begin to do this piece justice, but I hope you like it nonetheless. Simply gorgeous, darling. July 17th, 2009 at 11:09pm
Bravo.