I’m writing this as I go, so you’ll get my initial reaction as I read it. First of all, I love the way that you’re using Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson as the characters, instead of Harry and Hermione, I don’t read many Harry Potter fics, so I’m not sure if it’s unique, but I think it’s great because it lets the reader imagine what could be going on behind the scenes.
Daniel almost felt the need to kiss her, but restriained himself and just admired her. Apart from the slight spelling mistake of restrained, I really liked this line as it could mean that he’s too busy admiring her to kiss her, or it could also mean that she doesn’t know how he feels. It adds depth, in my opinion, because it makes the reader think of various different reasons to why he doesn’t kiss her.
Daniel laughed at her giddiness and watched her glide into the living room and set herself down on his velvet red couch, touching the flowers with her small pale hands. I love this line, because it portrays Emma as an angel. I love the way it’s almost from Daniel’s perspective, and the reader is seeing Emma as he does.
“This time for a date." This is good, I liked how you didn’t let the reader know what was happening until half way through the one-shot. It also explains why Daniel didn’t kiss her earlier. It explains that they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, but they’re not just friends and I think it was an extremely good idea to do this, as there are a lot of feelings to play with in this situation.
The moonlight was shinning very brightly that night, and he smiled up at the sky. I like this line, because it sets the scene a bit more. It lets the reader know the time. The way he smiles up at the moon also infers, to me, that he has a secret or has an overwhelming feeling.
However the last sentence: He got what he wanted. changes things for me. It’s good as I think it leaves the story open. It may mean that Daniel only wanted her for sex, in which case the story has changed tone completely at the end, or it may just mean that he has wanted Emma, and has finally got her. I liked it!
The only fault I could pick out is that the layout – or maybe just the colour of the font makes the story slightly hard to read, but maybe that’s just my eyes. The photo in the middle of the story would probably be better in the title space, if you wrote the name of it along the side or something as to actually read what you have written, we have to highlight the text or change it to the original default layout, and a lot of people won’t bother. I don’t mean to sound too critical, I’m just trying to help (:
Daniel almost felt the need to kiss her, but restriained himself and just admired her. Apart from the slight spelling mistake of restrained, I really liked this line as it could mean that he’s too busy admiring her to kiss her, or it could also mean that she doesn’t know how he feels. It adds depth, in my opinion, because it makes the reader think of various different reasons to why he doesn’t kiss her.
Daniel laughed at her giddiness and watched her glide into the living room and set herself down on his velvet red couch, touching the flowers with her small pale hands. I love this line, because it portrays Emma as an angel. I love the way it’s almost from Daniel’s perspective, and the reader is seeing Emma as he does.
“This time for a date." This is good, I liked how you didn’t let the reader know what was happening until half way through the one-shot. It also explains why Daniel didn’t kiss her earlier. It explains that they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, but they’re not just friends and I think it was an extremely good idea to do this, as there are a lot of feelings to play with in this situation.
The moonlight was shinning very brightly that night, and he smiled up at the sky. I like this line, because it sets the scene a bit more. It lets the reader know the time. The way he smiles up at the moon also infers, to me, that he has a secret or has an overwhelming feeling.
However the last sentence: He got what he wanted. changes things for me. It’s good as I think it leaves the story open. It may mean that Daniel only wanted her for sex, in which case the story has changed tone completely at the end, or it may just mean that he has wanted Emma, and has finally got her. I liked it!
The only fault I could pick out is that the layout – or maybe just the colour of the font makes the story slightly hard to read, but maybe that’s just my eyes. The photo in the middle of the story would probably be better in the title space, if you wrote the name of it along the side or something as to actually read what you have written, we have to highlight the text or change it to the original default layout, and a lot of people won’t bother. I don’t mean to sound too critical, I’m just trying to help (:
xx