The Vampician - Comments

O yea and update soon please

so far I like it a lot. its interesting. Id like to see more explanation on to the "idiot with red-hair" and what he told her and about her illness.

Hello, I'm going to be reviewing your story. I'm going to start now.
:cute:

Story/Review Game

Summary:
It starts off very interesting but this is a run-on sentence.
That is, until she meets a certain "idiot with red hair" who spouts her some insane story that makes all the sense in the world and her whole life and her outlook on the world is turned upside down and the contents shaken up.

You could have had a period after sense in the world Then start off The next sentence as Her whole life and...
That way it won't be a run-on sentence, which will let readers read it without such a rush. :)

Chapter One:
“PAY ATTENTION!” screeches Mrs Jones in her horrible piercing voice.
It should be screeched, since she already did. And you forgot the period after Mrs.

Very good use of comedy in the chapter, I have to admit.

Although there's a small thing I have to point out here, To make her look even more ludicrous she was wearing large, plastic, bright pink butterfly earrings and ridiculously red lip-stick she might have borrowed from her ten-year-old daughter, if she has one.
That should be had. :shifty

Throughout the story, you forgot to place the period after Mrs., for Mrs. Jones. Please go through that and fix it :)

Small typo here, Jaycee and Catlyn’s lanky forms emerge from the buses, looking as identical as ever.

I believe the word "a" should be between these words here, Aiden just nods and smiles to himself as if satisfied with being called a jackass and falls backwards into lying position next to Anna.

The word "on" isn't needed in this sentence, Clinging on to his arm like a desperate limpet on the rocks is his girlfriend Savannah Harley.

I like this sentence, very realistic with friends but, it's supposed to be inside joke.
“Unless you mail it to him,” Anna mutters. Aiden turns to look at her and they burst out laughing at the in-joke.

Shouldn't use abbreviations in stories unless its for an actual company or corporation, They continue to stare each other down for a few tense seconds that felt like forever to his anxious friends, before Kieran and co. slowly turn around and begin walking away.

I love Aiden when he's in Mrs. Jones classroom. Priceless good stuff :XD

This should be "is", The class are too distracted to answer.

I love this end for chapter one, “That’s the one,” Aiden says and smiles, knowing he’s the victor of World War Three.

Mrs Jones scowls. She knows it too.

Overall, it was very well-written. Pretty realistic, and Aiden is my favorite character, simply because he knows how to push people's buttons. :file:

Hope you continue writing it, ;)